I love Christmas season. And I love that the reason is exists is because Jesus Christ was born. Hallelujah! Matt Chandler and the Village Church are doing an Advent campaign to “get underneath the meaning of Christmas” instead of getting caught up in all of the presents and shopping and stress and binge eating. Which is difficult assuming that we live consumer driven America. But I am going to join them in their feat.
God has been teaching me a lot of things lately and the most resounding theme goes under the title of: I CANNOT FIX MYSELF. What a crazy easy thing to believe in my head, but my heart is so very reluctant. I mean seriously. I honestly think that if I try hard enough, I will be able to fix myself. I can be better. I can stop this, or start that and STICK WITH IT. I can decide today that I want to be a certain thing, and succeed. I think I can take control and make myself into the person that I want to be. The sad truth is that I cannot. I absolutely and positively cannot. I am hopeless and sick and in need of a Savior.
We are all guilty of the same thing: rebellion against God. And whether it manifests itself in an obvious manner or whether we are living in pride or secret sin, the point remains. We are all guilty. There is not one who is good, by nature. We are by our nature objects of God’s wrath. We are actually incapable of righteousness. CUE: THE GOSPEL.
The gospel, if anything, is a story about remarkably wicked people who cannot fix themselves, and how God—in his never ending love and mercy—answers to our problem. It’s the most marvelous story of all time, and the best news to those of us who are failing miserably at “being better.” I despise not being in control, but the beauty of the gospel is that I don’t have to be, because God is.
God is all about God being glorified, which translates into God being about our joy. His provision, care, and love for me is NOT because I am spectacular but because HE is spectacular. God is glorified by his coming to save sinners. Jesus came to save and heal what could not save or heal itself.
So for those of us who are tired of trying to be better, forgiveness is here. We can let go of our clenched fists over the control of our life because Jesus Christ was born. God has made a way. And that is something to celebrate, people. In the highest degree.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Contradictions
God bless Texas. This weekend was one for the books as about 4 of my worlds collided in College Station, Texas. Sweet Home College Station. All crammed around a table at blue baker was my littlest sister and co-bro KabeKabe, my long lost best friend Megan Templin, precious and dearly loved Rita O’Connor (the prettiest girl you will ever see in real life), the funniest girl in the world, @SydneyShrum, and finally my Denver based blonde best Bethany Brueggen. My heart was so overwhelmed with love that I could hardly stand it.
Have I told yall how much I love my littlest sister? Seriously, Brittney is the most amazing person that I know. We work like puzzle pieces. I mean honestly, I am going to call 60 minutes and have them do a special on us for being the first siemese twins to not be born attached...or born the same year. We are going to be so rich.
This weekend was the best weekend ever for multiple reasons that include but are not limited to the following list:
• Most of my favorite people were all in one place. (*However, it felt wrong to be in College Station without Becca Feagin and Lauren Wood)
• I spent the weekend enjoying WARM Texas weather!
• The Texas Rangers are going to the World Series again! YAHOO!
• The fightin’ Texas Aggies showed up on Saturday for the second half (finally) and BTHO Baylor!
• I attended an collegiate football game and tailgated afterwards, so it finally REALLY feels like football season. (I am weary of this ‘I don’t care about football’ Colorado baditude)
• I ate at Blue Baker. Twice.
Being in Texas always ignites some intense nostalgia in me. It is a very weird feeling to ‘go home’ to Texas, and then ‘come home’ to Denver. Both feel like home in some ways, but each is so very different. I love both places tremendously, and am not sure where in my head to store these contradicting emotions. I love being able to confidently put to words what I am feeling, what I am thinking. But alas, I am at a loss for words. There is no amount of letters strung together that could explain the condition of my heart when it comes to the war of Texas versus Colorado.
I love Texas. I love Colorado. I laugh in Texas. I love well in Colorado. I love the heat and sunshine. I love the snow and mountains. I have friends who love me well in Texas. I have friends who love me well in Colorado. Texas is comfortable. Colorado is new and exciting. Texas is home. Colorado is an adventure. I am prideful about being from Texas. I am prideful about living in Colorado. Texas boasts lakes, wakeboarding and familiarity. Colorado boasts mountains, snowboarding and crisp October air. Texas’ environment is welcoming and comfortable. Colorado’s environment is interesting and fascinating. And amidst the confusion of where my heart lies, I have to simply accept that it can lie in both places. I love Texas and I love Colorado.
However, for this time, for this fleeting instant that God has given me, I have an overwhelming sense of peace that I am where I am supposed to be. I know that God called me specifically to Denver, and that he has provided in ways that only could have come from His creative hand. I know that I am a better person since I have moved to Colorado, and that being removed from my comfort zone has pushed me to grow up, mature, and press into the Lord that called me to adventure. I trust that God is doing something in and through me while I reside in this mountainous wonderland that hosts the most beautiful Octobers. And while I cried my eyes out yesterday as I hugged the necks of my comfortable better than best friends and family, I know that they support the fact that I am living a life surrendered to a God that called me far away from them.
As we drove in opposite directions with tears streaming down our faces, Rita sent me a text saying that “we are the lucky ones…so thankful the Lord has allowed us to belong to such an incredible group of friends.” And she is so profoundly right. My heart wouldn’t feel as if it was being ripped from my chest at the Houston airport if it wasn’t for the fact that I love my friends hard. And because they love me back, regardless of the fact that most of them have seen me at my worst. I am convinced that I have the best friends in the world. And like Beef says, “you can always come home.” I am so overwhelmed with love for the people that God has placed in my life to love me well, to partner with me in this life. I so appreciate the girls who are willing to love me well from a distance when I board an airplane back to my dream life. And on top of that, I am thankful for the girl who sat next to me on the plane back to Colorado, comforted me and loves me like Christ does while here in Denver. Oh God, you are too gracious to this unworthy soul.
So I am happy to be back in Colorado. And I still miss Texas. I am choosing today to rest in the plan that God has sovereignty put in motion for me, and trusting Him to accomplish His will in my life. By His mercy and grace alone. Come, Lord Jesus.
Have I told yall how much I love my littlest sister? Seriously, Brittney is the most amazing person that I know. We work like puzzle pieces. I mean honestly, I am going to call 60 minutes and have them do a special on us for being the first siemese twins to not be born attached...or born the same year. We are going to be so rich.
This weekend was the best weekend ever for multiple reasons that include but are not limited to the following list:
• Most of my favorite people were all in one place. (*However, it felt wrong to be in College Station without Becca Feagin and Lauren Wood)
• I spent the weekend enjoying WARM Texas weather!
• The Texas Rangers are going to the World Series again! YAHOO!
• The fightin’ Texas Aggies showed up on Saturday for the second half (finally) and BTHO Baylor!
• I attended an collegiate football game and tailgated afterwards, so it finally REALLY feels like football season. (I am weary of this ‘I don’t care about football’ Colorado baditude)
• I ate at Blue Baker. Twice.
Being in Texas always ignites some intense nostalgia in me. It is a very weird feeling to ‘go home’ to Texas, and then ‘come home’ to Denver. Both feel like home in some ways, but each is so very different. I love both places tremendously, and am not sure where in my head to store these contradicting emotions. I love being able to confidently put to words what I am feeling, what I am thinking. But alas, I am at a loss for words. There is no amount of letters strung together that could explain the condition of my heart when it comes to the war of Texas versus Colorado.
I love Texas. I love Colorado. I laugh in Texas. I love well in Colorado. I love the heat and sunshine. I love the snow and mountains. I have friends who love me well in Texas. I have friends who love me well in Colorado. Texas is comfortable. Colorado is new and exciting. Texas is home. Colorado is an adventure. I am prideful about being from Texas. I am prideful about living in Colorado. Texas boasts lakes, wakeboarding and familiarity. Colorado boasts mountains, snowboarding and crisp October air. Texas’ environment is welcoming and comfortable. Colorado’s environment is interesting and fascinating. And amidst the confusion of where my heart lies, I have to simply accept that it can lie in both places. I love Texas and I love Colorado.
However, for this time, for this fleeting instant that God has given me, I have an overwhelming sense of peace that I am where I am supposed to be. I know that God called me specifically to Denver, and that he has provided in ways that only could have come from His creative hand. I know that I am a better person since I have moved to Colorado, and that being removed from my comfort zone has pushed me to grow up, mature, and press into the Lord that called me to adventure. I trust that God is doing something in and through me while I reside in this mountainous wonderland that hosts the most beautiful Octobers. And while I cried my eyes out yesterday as I hugged the necks of my comfortable better than best friends and family, I know that they support the fact that I am living a life surrendered to a God that called me far away from them.
As we drove in opposite directions with tears streaming down our faces, Rita sent me a text saying that “we are the lucky ones…so thankful the Lord has allowed us to belong to such an incredible group of friends.” And she is so profoundly right. My heart wouldn’t feel as if it was being ripped from my chest at the Houston airport if it wasn’t for the fact that I love my friends hard. And because they love me back, regardless of the fact that most of them have seen me at my worst. I am convinced that I have the best friends in the world. And like Beef says, “you can always come home.” I am so overwhelmed with love for the people that God has placed in my life to love me well, to partner with me in this life. I so appreciate the girls who are willing to love me well from a distance when I board an airplane back to my dream life. And on top of that, I am thankful for the girl who sat next to me on the plane back to Colorado, comforted me and loves me like Christ does while here in Denver. Oh God, you are too gracious to this unworthy soul.
So I am happy to be back in Colorado. And I still miss Texas. I am choosing today to rest in the plan that God has sovereignty put in motion for me, and trusting Him to accomplish His will in my life. By His mercy and grace alone. Come, Lord Jesus.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Hallelujah
It is not enough to know God as a theory, or feel some fleeting moments of affection for Him. Our faith must be alive, and by its means lift ourselves beyond passing emotions to worship God in his Divine Perfection.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Crazy Hurts
I read a blog that was titled “crazy hurts." I don’t know if that’s supposed to be interpreted where crazy is the adjective and hurts is the noun, as in, “that was too many crazy hurts for one week” but I interpreted differently. I think crazy is the noun - as in “being 'crazy' hurts.”
Can you guys believe I just used those big grammar words like ‘adjective’? Take that Mrs. Copeland! (My 9th grade teacher made our entire grade take a grammar course because, apparently, I used, too many, commas, in my essays, and had no respect, for the, laws, of English. But, look at me, NOW! Proof, that Jesus, overcomes!)
Anyways, I felt a deep heart tie with this girl I had never met who wrote the crazy hurts blog and who apparently knows what its like to suffer from “wack-job-ism”. And can we all just agree - crazy does hurt, it hurts bad! It will knock you over, kick you while you are down, and spit on your face. Being crazy is the worst. I should know.
Speaking of crazy: This week I have had very little sleep thanks to my blonde best waking me up at 5AM every morning to go to Crossfit with our personal trainer, Aaron. I love and I hate Aaron, both emotions simultaneously. Not only this but I keep pushing myself to do more, and stay up later, and never say no for reasons that I am embarrassed to tell you. (It reveals a level of girly giddiness that I don’t like to own up to.) So because I have been going ninety-to-nothing all week, I have come face to face with the mortifying fact that I am not as young as I once was. I cannot stay up all night long and wake up and run and be active, and go to work, and have a social life…and remain sane. It’s an either-or situation. Give or take. Get sleep – Retain Composure. Don’t sleep – Spiral into emotional instability and blackout rage over essentially nothing, add crying for no reason.
Anyways its times like this that I come to Jesus. I need Jesus because when I get to this point of exhaustion I start becoming this insecure idiot baby and I cant pull my shiZ together. I start seeing everything and everyone in the world from an extremely worldly view and cant get out of my own head. I need Jesus because whenever I don’t get sleep, my identity seems to get lost in a lot of things that aren’t Christ, making me feel unstable and capable of mass chaos. Its times like this where I start laughing at things that are not funny (and this is not cute, warm, fuzzy laughter, I am talking about manic laughter that makes those around me feel uncomfortable). Its times like these when I feel as if I am stumbling along groping for any landmark that will give me hope that I am still even on the path.
So tonight I am skipping a camping trip (who am I?), and instead I am spending time with Jesus, begging Him to re-align my world, mind, thoughts, worth, identity (and anything else that has gone haywire this week) under His authority, and once again returning to my hiding spot under the grace and love of Christ.
Because when I am too tired, I become a Prodigal Pharisee, a self righteous rationalizer with an extreme capacity for rebellion and an intense desire to run away from all responsibility or obligation. And lets be honest, that’s a combination of the worst characters in the bible. But as it stands I am a repeat offender, a repeat confessor, and thankfully such a debtor to the grace that repeatedly sets me free.
And thankfully, God is good. He meets me here amidst my crazy. He meets with this exhausted wack job and makes me smile and cry the good tears, and gives me nights with no clouds and all stars. He meets me here with encouragement, and reminds me I am not alone. He quiets the fears that I am never going to get it right, and assures me that I have not missed some major memo on Christian sanctification that everyone else received. He meets me here when my ‘crazy’ is hurting and speaks worth into my soul. He meets me here as my Father, and He loves me and sits in my bed with me and sings over my sleep. He is God, and I am His. Tonight, I am resting in Him...and my crazy hurts a little less.
Come Lord Jesus.
Can you guys believe I just used those big grammar words like ‘adjective’? Take that Mrs. Copeland! (My 9th grade teacher made our entire grade take a grammar course because, apparently, I used, too many, commas, in my essays, and had no respect, for the, laws, of English. But, look at me, NOW! Proof, that Jesus, overcomes!)
Anyways, I felt a deep heart tie with this girl I had never met who wrote the crazy hurts blog and who apparently knows what its like to suffer from “wack-job-ism”. And can we all just agree - crazy does hurt, it hurts bad! It will knock you over, kick you while you are down, and spit on your face. Being crazy is the worst. I should know.
Speaking of crazy: This week I have had very little sleep thanks to my blonde best waking me up at 5AM every morning to go to Crossfit with our personal trainer, Aaron. I love and I hate Aaron, both emotions simultaneously. Not only this but I keep pushing myself to do more, and stay up later, and never say no for reasons that I am embarrassed to tell you. (It reveals a level of girly giddiness that I don’t like to own up to.) So because I have been going ninety-to-nothing all week, I have come face to face with the mortifying fact that I am not as young as I once was. I cannot stay up all night long and wake up and run and be active, and go to work, and have a social life…and remain sane. It’s an either-or situation. Give or take. Get sleep – Retain Composure. Don’t sleep – Spiral into emotional instability and blackout rage over essentially nothing, add crying for no reason.
Anyways its times like this that I come to Jesus. I need Jesus because when I get to this point of exhaustion I start becoming this insecure idiot baby and I cant pull my shiZ together. I start seeing everything and everyone in the world from an extremely worldly view and cant get out of my own head. I need Jesus because whenever I don’t get sleep, my identity seems to get lost in a lot of things that aren’t Christ, making me feel unstable and capable of mass chaos. Its times like this where I start laughing at things that are not funny (and this is not cute, warm, fuzzy laughter, I am talking about manic laughter that makes those around me feel uncomfortable). Its times like these when I feel as if I am stumbling along groping for any landmark that will give me hope that I am still even on the path.
So tonight I am skipping a camping trip (who am I?), and instead I am spending time with Jesus, begging Him to re-align my world, mind, thoughts, worth, identity (and anything else that has gone haywire this week) under His authority, and once again returning to my hiding spot under the grace and love of Christ.
Because when I am too tired, I become a Prodigal Pharisee, a self righteous rationalizer with an extreme capacity for rebellion and an intense desire to run away from all responsibility or obligation. And lets be honest, that’s a combination of the worst characters in the bible. But as it stands I am a repeat offender, a repeat confessor, and thankfully such a debtor to the grace that repeatedly sets me free.
And thankfully, God is good. He meets me here amidst my crazy. He meets with this exhausted wack job and makes me smile and cry the good tears, and gives me nights with no clouds and all stars. He meets me here with encouragement, and reminds me I am not alone. He quiets the fears that I am never going to get it right, and assures me that I have not missed some major memo on Christian sanctification that everyone else received. He meets me here when my ‘crazy’ is hurting and speaks worth into my soul. He meets me here as my Father, and He loves me and sits in my bed with me and sings over my sleep. He is God, and I am His. Tonight, I am resting in Him...and my crazy hurts a little less.
Come Lord Jesus.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Bizarre
Life is so bizarre right now. And when I say bizarre, I mean that I did not know it was possible to be so happy. I keep telling my friends, especially those whom I communicate with only by email (SHOUT OUT: Becca in Belize and Sarah in Australia) that it seems weird for me to keep sending such positive emails. I am much better at sending funny emails about crap situations, and in them, I feel like I have gotten really good at making the best of what’s around and laughing at my own demise.
My humor works best in times when things seem bleak and I have the ability to laugh at it.
I don’t know how to write about the amount of joy that has overwhelmed me lately without feeling like I am sounding fake or superficial or something. It’s almost like I cannot fathom being this content with my life as it is in this moment. I told my mom this morning on the phone that I think YWAM started something in my life, and the last year has been an absolute highlight, and I think I am the happiest I can remember being. I don’t know how to explain it in words, people. The English language fails me.
I don’t know how to communicate joy as well as I know how to communicate pain. I think God has really been teaching me that I get to glorify Him in the mountain tops just as I do in the valleys. And I am reveling in His presence lately.
Yesterday, I spent the afternoon in the park learning to slackline and playing volleyball and laughing and drinking summer beer and actually did a pretty good job of not getting overly competitive at my team losing. Then we went downtown to do Denver Cruisers, which is where thousands of young people ride their bikes to meet at various bars around the city and then as a group, take a tour of Denver on a bike, stopping at different pubs and places along the way and ending at Civic Center Park for a huge party. This happens every Wednesday, and every Wednesday has a theme, so everyone is dressed in costume. It was hilarious because people go all out. We wore sombreros and were highly under dressed. Last night was Mexican Fiesta night, but other themes have been Mustaches and Wigs, Balloons and Party Hats, Beach Party, White Trash Bash, Cops and Robbers, Ski bums and bunnies, etc. It was SO FUN. I went with Bethany and two of our guy friends and we laughed all night and had the best time. When we got to the Civic Center we sat and people watched and talked about life and God and how we had all gotten to Denver. People’s journeys are fascinating. God is so creative.
Amidst a lot of crazy costumes and alcohol and weed and cigarettes, we sat on the steps and talked about the goodness of the Lord.
For the last two weeks I have been having nights like this, where I go to sleep thanking the Lord from the bottom of my heart for providing friends and joy and GOSPEL community that I could have never dreamed of on my own. For the last month or two I have been meeting to pray in the park and going to church and going on walks and listening to Scripture on tape during my transit to and from Boulder. For the last few weeks I have met more people than I can remember names for. I have seen God start something and I cannot wait to see what He is going to accomplish through my time here.
There are still days when I miss home. There are many days when I miss Texas and familiarity. Nostalgia sometimes gets the best of me, but I really try to avoid over sensationalizing the past too much. But through all of that, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am exactly where I need to be. And praise Him that Denver was where he wanted me, because this city is brilliant and seems to be bursting with life.
Things seem brighter, like I just got new contact lenses or something. The old struggles that usually haunt me, the ones I carry around like extra weight, seem to have taken a nap or something. Freedom feels like breathing fresh air maybe with a hint of the aroma of freshly cut grass. I feel deeply and love deeply and am really taking a break from all that is skepticism and sarcasm and brashness to just rest in the joy of the Lord. And all by the grace and mercy of the God who loves me.
I believe that God is doing something big, and more and more I catch my thoughts drifting to Him and how much I want to be a part of whatever He is doing. I think slowly He is peeling back the layers of my flesh that keep Him at an arm’s distance.
Sometimes I get weird feelings that I cannot physically position myself close enough to God. No matter what, I feel like I want more and like I might explode if I do not get more of Christ. I feel kind of like what I would assume a drug addict to feel like when it comes to intimacy with my Creator. I think I now understand the verse in the bible about God setting eternity in the heart of man much more than I ever have before because I really do long for Him. I am aware that I sound crazy and super spiritual but it seems normal to me. It seems a lot more like falling in love than I thought it ever could feel. It feels a lot less like a rule book or a theology script and more organic like I find God in everything I do. And it feels good. Kind of like the way you feel when laying on the floor in the air conditioning after running uphill outside in Texas. And so, I can’t think of any good jokes, but I do catch myself laughing a whole lot more often.
My humor works best in times when things seem bleak and I have the ability to laugh at it.
I don’t know how to write about the amount of joy that has overwhelmed me lately without feeling like I am sounding fake or superficial or something. It’s almost like I cannot fathom being this content with my life as it is in this moment. I told my mom this morning on the phone that I think YWAM started something in my life, and the last year has been an absolute highlight, and I think I am the happiest I can remember being. I don’t know how to explain it in words, people. The English language fails me.
I don’t know how to communicate joy as well as I know how to communicate pain. I think God has really been teaching me that I get to glorify Him in the mountain tops just as I do in the valleys. And I am reveling in His presence lately.
Yesterday, I spent the afternoon in the park learning to slackline and playing volleyball and laughing and drinking summer beer and actually did a pretty good job of not getting overly competitive at my team losing. Then we went downtown to do Denver Cruisers, which is where thousands of young people ride their bikes to meet at various bars around the city and then as a group, take a tour of Denver on a bike, stopping at different pubs and places along the way and ending at Civic Center Park for a huge party. This happens every Wednesday, and every Wednesday has a theme, so everyone is dressed in costume. It was hilarious because people go all out. We wore sombreros and were highly under dressed. Last night was Mexican Fiesta night, but other themes have been Mustaches and Wigs, Balloons and Party Hats, Beach Party, White Trash Bash, Cops and Robbers, Ski bums and bunnies, etc. It was SO FUN. I went with Bethany and two of our guy friends and we laughed all night and had the best time. When we got to the Civic Center we sat and people watched and talked about life and God and how we had all gotten to Denver. People’s journeys are fascinating. God is so creative.
Amidst a lot of crazy costumes and alcohol and weed and cigarettes, we sat on the steps and talked about the goodness of the Lord.
For the last two weeks I have been having nights like this, where I go to sleep thanking the Lord from the bottom of my heart for providing friends and joy and GOSPEL community that I could have never dreamed of on my own. For the last month or two I have been meeting to pray in the park and going to church and going on walks and listening to Scripture on tape during my transit to and from Boulder. For the last few weeks I have met more people than I can remember names for. I have seen God start something and I cannot wait to see what He is going to accomplish through my time here.
There are still days when I miss home. There are many days when I miss Texas and familiarity. Nostalgia sometimes gets the best of me, but I really try to avoid over sensationalizing the past too much. But through all of that, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am exactly where I need to be. And praise Him that Denver was where he wanted me, because this city is brilliant and seems to be bursting with life.
Things seem brighter, like I just got new contact lenses or something. The old struggles that usually haunt me, the ones I carry around like extra weight, seem to have taken a nap or something. Freedom feels like breathing fresh air maybe with a hint of the aroma of freshly cut grass. I feel deeply and love deeply and am really taking a break from all that is skepticism and sarcasm and brashness to just rest in the joy of the Lord. And all by the grace and mercy of the God who loves me.
I believe that God is doing something big, and more and more I catch my thoughts drifting to Him and how much I want to be a part of whatever He is doing. I think slowly He is peeling back the layers of my flesh that keep Him at an arm’s distance.
Sometimes I get weird feelings that I cannot physically position myself close enough to God. No matter what, I feel like I want more and like I might explode if I do not get more of Christ. I feel kind of like what I would assume a drug addict to feel like when it comes to intimacy with my Creator. I think I now understand the verse in the bible about God setting eternity in the heart of man much more than I ever have before because I really do long for Him. I am aware that I sound crazy and super spiritual but it seems normal to me. It seems a lot more like falling in love than I thought it ever could feel. It feels a lot less like a rule book or a theology script and more organic like I find God in everything I do. And it feels good. Kind of like the way you feel when laying on the floor in the air conditioning after running uphill outside in Texas. And so, I can’t think of any good jokes, but I do catch myself laughing a whole lot more often.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Whirlwind
Well, May came with snow. So that just sent me into an all out, rage blackout - I mean snow in May? Is that a joke? I did a lot of hanging out by myself in the weeks preceding Blair’s departure from the great state of Colorado. And the time came for goodbyes, but not before we attended a Brooke Fraser concert together as a birthday gift to me in downtown Denver, which I knew would be a pivotal point in my life, but didn’t know just HOW pivotal it would actually be.
A (not) quick story of encouragement: The first 4 months of living in Colorado were a rough transition for me. I moved here alone and did not know a single person. So I got really involved with KLIFE and went to church and did all the things that you think you are supposed to do to make friends. I met Blair Week 1 who provided me with such sweet (once per week) accountability for the next few months. However, in March, Blair got an awesome job offer in Texas (IRONY) and decided she would be moving away in May. I would like to say that I quoted scripture to myself in that moment and told myself that God works all things together for his glory, or something super holy. But in all honestly, I was like what the heck, God?! This isnt fair! Like a whiny 2 year old. Inevitably, I started preparing myself to have an extremely lonely summer. I thought maybe it was just supposed to be a time for me to get really close to the Lord with no distractions, and at some level I came to a peace about that. I kind of saw it as my own little desert season, and I listened to that Hillsong song a lot and cried in my car while exploring the wonderland that I live in.
Around April, I knew it was going to be really hard, but it became a lot harder than I had even expected and I was scared that I was going to get depressed again or something. I got so sad that I even thought about moving back to Texas because it seemed so easy to move there and live within driving distance of every person that I loved. I was painfully lonely and every weekend I went to lunch, went on a 3 hour walk, or went to the movies by myself. That’s a humbling experience and being alone makes your extrovert heart do weird things. It was excruciating, being someone who loves being surrounded by people. All of my closest friends were making life transitions like moving to Belize or getting married or spending the summer at Kamp, and I felt like I was stranded in Colorado “attempting” to live my own dream. I thought dreams were supposed to feel like floating and bouncing on clouds. I had felt so called here for so many months and this is how God repays me? Oh ye of little faith! I clearly have a serious lack of eternal perspective, but two months by yourself can feel like years.
I have been blessed with the privilege of keeping in touch on a weekly basis with a YWAM friend who is easily one of the most wise girls that I know. I was talking to Kelsea during our Thursday afternoon catch up phone call and was telling her how it was going to be a really hard summer and that I was going to be really lonely and I didn’t know where to find friends. I felt like I had done everything I was supposed to do and just really hadn’t found friends. I longed and yearned for gospel community like I had been so spoiled with in my senior year at A&M. I said a lot of this and was fighting back tears, you know, so that I didn’t make a fool of myself in the middle of Whole Foods. So Kelsea said, “Have you actually asked God to give you friends?” And as profoundly simple as that seems, I thought about it, and the answer was no, I hadn’t actually asked Him directly to provide friends for me. I just kind of assumed that he knew that’s what I needed, I mean, he is God and all right?
We learned a lot about praying out loud during YWAM and I was at the end of my rope one night soon after this and just said (out loud in my car): “God you know that I need friends. You know that I am lonely more than I know it myself. You are the one who created me relationally and you designed me to function best in Christian community. I have done everything that I know to do and I don’t know where to find cool/funny..(its important) / fun Christian girls in Colorado. So I need you to show them to me. I need you to give me friends. Because you can and I cannot, (as usual). I cannot be alone all summer, I will go insane. You know this. Please give me some friends that I feel like I have stuff in common with and that love You more than anything in this world because I don’t want to be mediocre, and I want to surround myself with people who love you. If you could do that sooner than later, it would be preferable. I love you and I really am sorry that I am such a baby about all of this.”
C.S. Lewis says “Now we cannot discover our failure to keep God’s law except by trying our very hardest (and then failing). Unless we really try, whatever we say, there will always be at the back of our minds the idea that if we try harder next time we shall succeed in being completely good. Thus, in one sense, the road back to God is a road of moral effort, of trying harder and harder. But in another sense it is not trying that is ever going to bring us home. All this trying leads up to the vital moment at which you say, ‘You must do this, I can’t.”
So about eh, 2 weeks later, as aforementioned--I went to a Brooke Fraser concert in downtown Denver with Blair-my best friend in Denver that was moving away. Let me just say that the concert was absolutely amazing. The tickets were a birthday present from my mom and it seemed right as it was Blair & I’s last hoorah together. We ran into this girl that we both knew from Kamp, who was attending the concert with one of her friends from Denver.
So I got to talking to her friend and it turns out that she had just gotten back from a year long mission trip and she played soccer in college and is so funny and fun and pretty and loves the Lord so so much. So I brutally admitted that I was short on friends and she asked me to come to church with her (a church I had never heard of). I said that I would and gave her my number not really expecting much from it because people say a lot of stuff that they don’t mean and never follow through, you know? She called me the next day. She invited me to go to dinner with her roommates that Friday night I was like …sure I guess. I figured it would be so awkward being all of her roommates and then me, but I went anyways. It was SO FUN. They are hilarious and they all do missions and they were all athletes in college. It was actually pretty bizarre how comfortable I felt being the first time I had met basically all of them. I hung out with this little group Friday, Saturday, went to church on Sunday, joined their small group bible study on Monday night, and then helped one of them write Support letters that Wednesday. We planned camping trips and adventures in the park and concert dates. I was completely in a whirlwind. I literally felt like we had been friends forever. They are so much like me (there is like 8 of them) and they are so funny and amazing. I might move in with them later this summer. So isn’t that just the bees knees!!? God totally provided friends out of NO WHERE. During a concert that I got as a birthday present. I wasn’t looking for friends, they just fell in my lap. All because I directly asked God to give them to me and He did. Praise Him. All this to say, God provides. EVERY TIME. In His perfect timing. His grace is sufficient, and he tells us to ask him for what we want in prayer.
Since meeting them I have spent consistent amounts of time with them and continue to grow in my love for them and for the Lord who just dropped them in my lap. Through them I have met a number of other friends, both guys and girls and am just swirling in joy for the Lord. May and June have been the most amazing gifts, and I can honestly say that God just lavished his love on undeserving, whiny me. So I am loving Colorado. I really feel like I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be. I am starting a small group with Bethany, who is the first friend I made at the concert. I am so excited to see what the Lord will do. In this summer of growing heat (FINALLY), I am basking in the glory and joy of the Lord.
I read this from a woman who I greatly admire and respect: “Part of me wonders: Would the summer be so sweet, if the winter weren’t so bitter? And would the bitter winter be so bearable if the summer’s promise weren’t so sweet? The Lord, in His providence and sustaining grace, is kind to mingle the two. In the cold of winter, we carry the warmth of the Son through Whom the promise is made to be with us “always to the end of the age.” And in the season of colorful communion, we carry the heavy reality that green will give way to gray, proving that we are not home yet. For now, I will live in the season I feel swirling about me. I will drink it in, savor it as a foretaste of heaven: a blazing Son, a forever respite from a worn-out world and constant company, face-to-face with my Savior and the saints around the throne.“ Let us revel in Isaiah 43:18-19 on this beautiful summer day, which says “Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
A (not) quick story of encouragement: The first 4 months of living in Colorado were a rough transition for me. I moved here alone and did not know a single person. So I got really involved with KLIFE and went to church and did all the things that you think you are supposed to do to make friends. I met Blair Week 1 who provided me with such sweet (once per week) accountability for the next few months. However, in March, Blair got an awesome job offer in Texas (IRONY) and decided she would be moving away in May. I would like to say that I quoted scripture to myself in that moment and told myself that God works all things together for his glory, or something super holy. But in all honestly, I was like what the heck, God?! This isnt fair! Like a whiny 2 year old. Inevitably, I started preparing myself to have an extremely lonely summer. I thought maybe it was just supposed to be a time for me to get really close to the Lord with no distractions, and at some level I came to a peace about that. I kind of saw it as my own little desert season, and I listened to that Hillsong song a lot and cried in my car while exploring the wonderland that I live in.
Around April, I knew it was going to be really hard, but it became a lot harder than I had even expected and I was scared that I was going to get depressed again or something. I got so sad that I even thought about moving back to Texas because it seemed so easy to move there and live within driving distance of every person that I loved. I was painfully lonely and every weekend I went to lunch, went on a 3 hour walk, or went to the movies by myself. That’s a humbling experience and being alone makes your extrovert heart do weird things. It was excruciating, being someone who loves being surrounded by people. All of my closest friends were making life transitions like moving to Belize or getting married or spending the summer at Kamp, and I felt like I was stranded in Colorado “attempting” to live my own dream. I thought dreams were supposed to feel like floating and bouncing on clouds. I had felt so called here for so many months and this is how God repays me? Oh ye of little faith! I clearly have a serious lack of eternal perspective, but two months by yourself can feel like years.
I have been blessed with the privilege of keeping in touch on a weekly basis with a YWAM friend who is easily one of the most wise girls that I know. I was talking to Kelsea during our Thursday afternoon catch up phone call and was telling her how it was going to be a really hard summer and that I was going to be really lonely and I didn’t know where to find friends. I felt like I had done everything I was supposed to do and just really hadn’t found friends. I longed and yearned for gospel community like I had been so spoiled with in my senior year at A&M. I said a lot of this and was fighting back tears, you know, so that I didn’t make a fool of myself in the middle of Whole Foods. So Kelsea said, “Have you actually asked God to give you friends?” And as profoundly simple as that seems, I thought about it, and the answer was no, I hadn’t actually asked Him directly to provide friends for me. I just kind of assumed that he knew that’s what I needed, I mean, he is God and all right?
We learned a lot about praying out loud during YWAM and I was at the end of my rope one night soon after this and just said (out loud in my car): “God you know that I need friends. You know that I am lonely more than I know it myself. You are the one who created me relationally and you designed me to function best in Christian community. I have done everything that I know to do and I don’t know where to find cool/funny..(its important) / fun Christian girls in Colorado. So I need you to show them to me. I need you to give me friends. Because you can and I cannot, (as usual). I cannot be alone all summer, I will go insane. You know this. Please give me some friends that I feel like I have stuff in common with and that love You more than anything in this world because I don’t want to be mediocre, and I want to surround myself with people who love you. If you could do that sooner than later, it would be preferable. I love you and I really am sorry that I am such a baby about all of this.”
C.S. Lewis says “Now we cannot discover our failure to keep God’s law except by trying our very hardest (and then failing). Unless we really try, whatever we say, there will always be at the back of our minds the idea that if we try harder next time we shall succeed in being completely good. Thus, in one sense, the road back to God is a road of moral effort, of trying harder and harder. But in another sense it is not trying that is ever going to bring us home. All this trying leads up to the vital moment at which you say, ‘You must do this, I can’t.”
So about eh, 2 weeks later, as aforementioned--I went to a Brooke Fraser concert in downtown Denver with Blair-my best friend in Denver that was moving away. Let me just say that the concert was absolutely amazing. The tickets were a birthday present from my mom and it seemed right as it was Blair & I’s last hoorah together. We ran into this girl that we both knew from Kamp, who was attending the concert with one of her friends from Denver.
So I got to talking to her friend and it turns out that she had just gotten back from a year long mission trip and she played soccer in college and is so funny and fun and pretty and loves the Lord so so much. So I brutally admitted that I was short on friends and she asked me to come to church with her (a church I had never heard of). I said that I would and gave her my number not really expecting much from it because people say a lot of stuff that they don’t mean and never follow through, you know? She called me the next day. She invited me to go to dinner with her roommates that Friday night I was like …sure I guess. I figured it would be so awkward being all of her roommates and then me, but I went anyways. It was SO FUN. They are hilarious and they all do missions and they were all athletes in college. It was actually pretty bizarre how comfortable I felt being the first time I had met basically all of them. I hung out with this little group Friday, Saturday, went to church on Sunday, joined their small group bible study on Monday night, and then helped one of them write Support letters that Wednesday. We planned camping trips and adventures in the park and concert dates. I was completely in a whirlwind. I literally felt like we had been friends forever. They are so much like me (there is like 8 of them) and they are so funny and amazing. I might move in with them later this summer. So isn’t that just the bees knees!!? God totally provided friends out of NO WHERE. During a concert that I got as a birthday present. I wasn’t looking for friends, they just fell in my lap. All because I directly asked God to give them to me and He did. Praise Him. All this to say, God provides. EVERY TIME. In His perfect timing. His grace is sufficient, and he tells us to ask him for what we want in prayer.
Since meeting them I have spent consistent amounts of time with them and continue to grow in my love for them and for the Lord who just dropped them in my lap. Through them I have met a number of other friends, both guys and girls and am just swirling in joy for the Lord. May and June have been the most amazing gifts, and I can honestly say that God just lavished his love on undeserving, whiny me. So I am loving Colorado. I really feel like I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be. I am starting a small group with Bethany, who is the first friend I made at the concert. I am so excited to see what the Lord will do. In this summer of growing heat (FINALLY), I am basking in the glory and joy of the Lord.
I read this from a woman who I greatly admire and respect: “Part of me wonders: Would the summer be so sweet, if the winter weren’t so bitter? And would the bitter winter be so bearable if the summer’s promise weren’t so sweet? The Lord, in His providence and sustaining grace, is kind to mingle the two. In the cold of winter, we carry the warmth of the Son through Whom the promise is made to be with us “always to the end of the age.” And in the season of colorful communion, we carry the heavy reality that green will give way to gray, proving that we are not home yet. For now, I will live in the season I feel swirling about me. I will drink it in, savor it as a foretaste of heaven: a blazing Son, a forever respite from a worn-out world and constant company, face-to-face with my Savior and the saints around the throne.“ Let us revel in Isaiah 43:18-19 on this beautiful summer day, which says “Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Easter
This weekend has come. EASTER. Easter weekend holds a ton of weight in my life as I remember it as a time when I most clearly remember God crushing my flesh. Well, that and having a dance party on the extremely sloped roof of my house at Holik Street with Becca Feagin in the infancy of our friendship. But with this upcoming day of celebration, I wanted to take a second and embrace the magnitude of what April 24 (this year) stands for.
Its no great secret that we as humans have a pretty messed up way of seeing everything. We have this distortion that lies at the core of our beings that screws everything up. And it flows to every part of our lives. It starts with a distorted view of who God is. We, in general, do not see well who He is. We doubt his goodness, we doubt whether or not we can trust him, we doubt whether he sees us as loving children or wicked heathens. We doubt that he loves us unconditionally. We doubt everything about who He says He is. We have a hard time trusting or believing that he will pursue us, care for us, protect us, be there for us. This one distorted view of God leads to a distortion of every other mode of our lives. With a distorted view of God and who he is, we are led to a distorted view of who WE are and who we are in Christ, which leads to a distorted view of others.
We were created for our identity to lie in the fact that we are God’s children, holy and dearly loved. With the freedom to live our lives in blessed communion with Him who created us. This distortion, this iniquity that we are born with that views God wrongly royally messes everything up. Especially our relationships. We…and lets make this personal, I take that distortion and become a control freak out of some kind of deep fear, trying to control everything, trying to earn the love of others and therefore perverting my relationships with everyone else in my life.
With a distorted view of God, and subsequently myself, my relationships are marked with my using and abusing of those around me. I crush them. The illusion that I fall under is that they are there to make me happy so that when I am not happy, its somehow their fault. I end up putting an impossible weight on them. Matt Chandler claims that if you have a bunch of broken pieces…and you try and smash them together to get a whole, you for dang sure are NOT going to get a whole…you are just going to further break the broken pieces. Which means that when broken people try and find redemption in other broken people, broken people get more broken. CONVICTION.
He says that almost every bit of your sorrow, almost every bit of your suffering and pain, almost all of your loneliness and pain can be traced back to a distorted view of who God is and how He sees you. Of what he thinks about you. AW Tozer says that " what comes into our minds when we think of God is the most important thing about us." Since we have this distorted view of God–ourselves-others, we can see why the world is essentially a shit storm, cant we? I mean have y’all watched CNN lately?
"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." -Ephesians 2:4-10
Once we understand who God really is, we can start to see ourselves in a correct light, and therefore will be able to view our relationships with others rightly, extending grace and mercy to those around us. And don’t be fooled. We aren’t worthy. What makes grace so phenomenal isn’t our worth. What makes grace something we worship over isn’t that we are clean, its that we are dirty and God loves us IN IT. God does not love some future version of us. Its not when we screw up that we fall short of the glory of God. Its when we do EVERYTHING RIGHT. Its when we NAIL it, that the bible says God sees us as filthy rags. “All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags” -Isaiah 64 (Told ya)
So the good news is this: “If God reconciles us to himself through Christ, is that not the beginning of healing in the rest of the areas? He is the redeemer; He buys us back from the chains of slavery. He gives Himself so that we might be reconciled to God. So that those who would believe, and repent and by faith alone, that they might become children of God. That is what we are celebrating. We are celebrating that while we were at our worst Christ died for us. And celebrating that something happened when we became aware of that truth. Something happened in our minds and our hearts when we became aware of Christ dying for us that changed how we lived day to day. Not perfect, we still fail and are still drawn to the flesh. But God is slowly making us more and more like him, and less like the distorted viewing person we were. All the while letting us keep our individuality. It’s the greatest story ever.” -Matt Chandler
This weekend we get to take time and rejoice in the fact that we are LOVED by an Almighty God. He rose from the dead YALL! And I don't know about you but I am going to celebrate with Adam and Blair in Vail, Colorado. It should be full of egg hunts and chocolate bunnies and sunshine and laughter and butterflies, and hopefully no snow. (Fingers crossed) 2nd best Easter ever! (Right after the original) Raise and praise people! Its EASTER!!!!
Its no great secret that we as humans have a pretty messed up way of seeing everything. We have this distortion that lies at the core of our beings that screws everything up. And it flows to every part of our lives. It starts with a distorted view of who God is. We, in general, do not see well who He is. We doubt his goodness, we doubt whether or not we can trust him, we doubt whether he sees us as loving children or wicked heathens. We doubt that he loves us unconditionally. We doubt everything about who He says He is. We have a hard time trusting or believing that he will pursue us, care for us, protect us, be there for us. This one distorted view of God leads to a distortion of every other mode of our lives. With a distorted view of God and who he is, we are led to a distorted view of who WE are and who we are in Christ, which leads to a distorted view of others.
We were created for our identity to lie in the fact that we are God’s children, holy and dearly loved. With the freedom to live our lives in blessed communion with Him who created us. This distortion, this iniquity that we are born with that views God wrongly royally messes everything up. Especially our relationships. We…and lets make this personal, I take that distortion and become a control freak out of some kind of deep fear, trying to control everything, trying to earn the love of others and therefore perverting my relationships with everyone else in my life.
With a distorted view of God, and subsequently myself, my relationships are marked with my using and abusing of those around me. I crush them. The illusion that I fall under is that they are there to make me happy so that when I am not happy, its somehow their fault. I end up putting an impossible weight on them. Matt Chandler claims that if you have a bunch of broken pieces…and you try and smash them together to get a whole, you for dang sure are NOT going to get a whole…you are just going to further break the broken pieces. Which means that when broken people try and find redemption in other broken people, broken people get more broken. CONVICTION.
He says that almost every bit of your sorrow, almost every bit of your suffering and pain, almost all of your loneliness and pain can be traced back to a distorted view of who God is and how He sees you. Of what he thinks about you. AW Tozer says that " what comes into our minds when we think of God is the most important thing about us." Since we have this distorted view of God–ourselves-others, we can see why the world is essentially a shit storm, cant we? I mean have y’all watched CNN lately?
"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." -Ephesians 2:4-10
Once we understand who God really is, we can start to see ourselves in a correct light, and therefore will be able to view our relationships with others rightly, extending grace and mercy to those around us. And don’t be fooled. We aren’t worthy. What makes grace so phenomenal isn’t our worth. What makes grace something we worship over isn’t that we are clean, its that we are dirty and God loves us IN IT. God does not love some future version of us. Its not when we screw up that we fall short of the glory of God. Its when we do EVERYTHING RIGHT. Its when we NAIL it, that the bible says God sees us as filthy rags. “All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags” -Isaiah 64 (Told ya)
So the good news is this: “If God reconciles us to himself through Christ, is that not the beginning of healing in the rest of the areas? He is the redeemer; He buys us back from the chains of slavery. He gives Himself so that we might be reconciled to God. So that those who would believe, and repent and by faith alone, that they might become children of God. That is what we are celebrating. We are celebrating that while we were at our worst Christ died for us. And celebrating that something happened when we became aware of that truth. Something happened in our minds and our hearts when we became aware of Christ dying for us that changed how we lived day to day. Not perfect, we still fail and are still drawn to the flesh. But God is slowly making us more and more like him, and less like the distorted viewing person we were. All the while letting us keep our individuality. It’s the greatest story ever.” -Matt Chandler
This weekend we get to take time and rejoice in the fact that we are LOVED by an Almighty God. He rose from the dead YALL! And I don't know about you but I am going to celebrate with Adam and Blair in Vail, Colorado. It should be full of egg hunts and chocolate bunnies and sunshine and laughter and butterflies, and hopefully no snow. (Fingers crossed) 2nd best Easter ever! (Right after the original) Raise and praise people! Its EASTER!!!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Waves
I learned a little something about waves whenever I was in Costa Rica living on the beach: if you try to stand and face the wave, it will smash you to bits, but if you trust the water and let it carry you, there’s nothing sweeter. Sarah from Australia had a hay-day trying to teach me what to do as a large wave approached, as I would often end up upside down, feet kicking above water, face in the sand struggling to find air. I think I have decided that my life follows suit.
Waves=change. If you dig in and fight the change you’re facing, it will indeed annihilate you. It will hold you under the water, swirl you around, confuse and scare you, leaving you coughing and gasping for oxygen wondering how you got 50 yards down the beach.
This last season in my life has been characterized, more than anything else, by change. Hard, but good, swirling, one-after another changes. So many that I can’t quite regain my footing before the next one comes, very much like being tumbled by waves. And I am not saying that this change is bad, but I am saying that this change is hard.
Within one year I lived with my sister, had comfortable best friends at Texas A&M, skyped with a long distance friend every night, graduated from college, packed my car and moved to Denver, Colorado, attended Youth With A Mission and camped the rockies, made 4 unforgettable friends that I lived and breathed alongside 24 hours a day for five months who only God could have picked, said friends became family. I traveled to Panama, traveled to Costa Rica, slept in a palm tree hut and ate only rice and fish heads, almost died on a canoe trip across the Pacific ocean, fell in love with some kiddos doing jazzercise in the streets, came back to the States culture shocked, drove back across the country, lived at home in a tiny room with my hero of a brother and littlest sister, worked in the Shady T to make enough money to move, drove across the country for a third time to Colorado—this time permanent, got a full time job doing something I thought I would never do and love it, started working at K-LIFE and joined another family.
Seems like the adventure of a lifetime right? Well it was. And it was hard. I have an infinite capacity to over-sensationalize the past. It’s like I cannot appreciate and take in all the beauty while I am IN IT, even while I am trying REALLY hard not to take my time for granted. Relentlessly, time eludes me and I end up looking back on the good and the hard times. But the painful sting of memories always leaves me in awe of how amazing God is through it all.
The bible is drenched in suffering and yet I always expect to be able to click my ruby red slippers and wake up with everything figured out. I’d really like the wisdom without the walking through fire. God doesn’t work this way, I have learned.
Anyways I have been reading and listening to a lot of things on suffering and how it is a part of the human experience. But there is something beautiful about our suffering when the God who loves us allows it to draw us back to Him. We hit rock bottom and find God wanting to lift us up. We find Him reaching out a hand offering help when we have once again tried to do life on our own and failed miserably. (Is this just me?) I recently told a friend that sometimes God allows us to be lonely, to hurt, to be sad, to be desperate in order to remind us once again that only He possess all-sufficient satisfaction, but I think it applied to me maybe even more than her. And although the fire burns and hurts, we end up back on our knees reaching out to Jesus, with a clear vision of our utter and complete dependency on Him. It’s the most loving thing He could do.
Looking back now at times in my life that I felt most injured, I can see how powerfully God used those trials and tribulations to refine me. I think it says something about being refined through the fire in the bible like 10-30 times, but who’s counting? The thing is, I never see how beautiful the gold will be after being refined in the fire, WHILE I am in the fire…or to bring it home with the ‘waves’ analogy: when I am underwater swirling and panicking, lungs about to explode, all I can think is ‘OH shiZ how the hell do I get out of here!?! Where’s the TOP?!’ I am screaming that this hurts/sucks/blows at the top of my lungs. More than anything I think this is a failure to believe in the story of who God is and what he is doing in this world amidst my waves.
Like Donald Miller says, we are trees in the story of a forest. But instead of living that story — one of sacrifice and purpose and character — I begin to live a much smaller story, and that story is only about me. I want an answer, a timeline, and a map and QUICK please. I don’t want to have to trust God or anything I can’t see. I don’t want to wait or follow. I refuse to unclench my hands and my jaw, and I lock my knees and steel myself in the face of almost every wave. And then like clockwork I end up crying in the shower or alone in my car jamming out to some sappy song. Pathetic? I know. Every wave presents us with a choice to make, and quite often, unfortunately, I have stood, both resolute and terrified, staring down a wave. I have been smacked straight on with the force of the water, tumbled, disoriented, gasping for breath and for my swimsuit bottoms.
About 2 weeks ago I got smacked in the face so hard that I didn’t know which way was up. And there was God at the end of it all waiting to pick me up and call me His own. And oh how sweet it is to look up at a loving Father who wipes the sand out of my eyes and holds me until I can stop coughing and crying, setting me back on the shore. I am praying that I would let the waves carry me more often as change is inevitable. I am praying that God would be gentle as he allows waves to come into my life. But most of all I am praying that I live the story that God called me to amidst the waves. I am praying to find it within myself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together to find myself drawn along to a whole new place, drenched in grace. Maybe today I will begin to let the waves do their work in me.
I pray the same for you, friend. I pray you swim.
Waves=change. If you dig in and fight the change you’re facing, it will indeed annihilate you. It will hold you under the water, swirl you around, confuse and scare you, leaving you coughing and gasping for oxygen wondering how you got 50 yards down the beach.
This last season in my life has been characterized, more than anything else, by change. Hard, but good, swirling, one-after another changes. So many that I can’t quite regain my footing before the next one comes, very much like being tumbled by waves. And I am not saying that this change is bad, but I am saying that this change is hard.
Within one year I lived with my sister, had comfortable best friends at Texas A&M, skyped with a long distance friend every night, graduated from college, packed my car and moved to Denver, Colorado, attended Youth With A Mission and camped the rockies, made 4 unforgettable friends that I lived and breathed alongside 24 hours a day for five months who only God could have picked, said friends became family. I traveled to Panama, traveled to Costa Rica, slept in a palm tree hut and ate only rice and fish heads, almost died on a canoe trip across the Pacific ocean, fell in love with some kiddos doing jazzercise in the streets, came back to the States culture shocked, drove back across the country, lived at home in a tiny room with my hero of a brother and littlest sister, worked in the Shady T to make enough money to move, drove across the country for a third time to Colorado—this time permanent, got a full time job doing something I thought I would never do and love it, started working at K-LIFE and joined another family.
Seems like the adventure of a lifetime right? Well it was. And it was hard. I have an infinite capacity to over-sensationalize the past. It’s like I cannot appreciate and take in all the beauty while I am IN IT, even while I am trying REALLY hard not to take my time for granted. Relentlessly, time eludes me and I end up looking back on the good and the hard times. But the painful sting of memories always leaves me in awe of how amazing God is through it all.
The bible is drenched in suffering and yet I always expect to be able to click my ruby red slippers and wake up with everything figured out. I’d really like the wisdom without the walking through fire. God doesn’t work this way, I have learned.
Anyways I have been reading and listening to a lot of things on suffering and how it is a part of the human experience. But there is something beautiful about our suffering when the God who loves us allows it to draw us back to Him. We hit rock bottom and find God wanting to lift us up. We find Him reaching out a hand offering help when we have once again tried to do life on our own and failed miserably. (Is this just me?) I recently told a friend that sometimes God allows us to be lonely, to hurt, to be sad, to be desperate in order to remind us once again that only He possess all-sufficient satisfaction, but I think it applied to me maybe even more than her. And although the fire burns and hurts, we end up back on our knees reaching out to Jesus, with a clear vision of our utter and complete dependency on Him. It’s the most loving thing He could do.
Looking back now at times in my life that I felt most injured, I can see how powerfully God used those trials and tribulations to refine me. I think it says something about being refined through the fire in the bible like 10-30 times, but who’s counting? The thing is, I never see how beautiful the gold will be after being refined in the fire, WHILE I am in the fire…or to bring it home with the ‘waves’ analogy: when I am underwater swirling and panicking, lungs about to explode, all I can think is ‘OH shiZ how the hell do I get out of here!?! Where’s the TOP?!’ I am screaming that this hurts/sucks/blows at the top of my lungs. More than anything I think this is a failure to believe in the story of who God is and what he is doing in this world amidst my waves.
Like Donald Miller says, we are trees in the story of a forest. But instead of living that story — one of sacrifice and purpose and character — I begin to live a much smaller story, and that story is only about me. I want an answer, a timeline, and a map and QUICK please. I don’t want to have to trust God or anything I can’t see. I don’t want to wait or follow. I refuse to unclench my hands and my jaw, and I lock my knees and steel myself in the face of almost every wave. And then like clockwork I end up crying in the shower or alone in my car jamming out to some sappy song. Pathetic? I know. Every wave presents us with a choice to make, and quite often, unfortunately, I have stood, both resolute and terrified, staring down a wave. I have been smacked straight on with the force of the water, tumbled, disoriented, gasping for breath and for my swimsuit bottoms.
About 2 weeks ago I got smacked in the face so hard that I didn’t know which way was up. And there was God at the end of it all waiting to pick me up and call me His own. And oh how sweet it is to look up at a loving Father who wipes the sand out of my eyes and holds me until I can stop coughing and crying, setting me back on the shore. I am praying that I would let the waves carry me more often as change is inevitable. I am praying that God would be gentle as he allows waves to come into my life. But most of all I am praying that I live the story that God called me to amidst the waves. I am praying to find it within myself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together to find myself drawn along to a whole new place, drenched in grace. Maybe today I will begin to let the waves do their work in me.
I pray the same for you, friend. I pray you swim.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
New Year, New Life
I have now been living in Denver for two weeks, yesterday. Here is the best I can do to get the chaos of the past 18 days onto paper (website).
God is teaching me a lot of things right now, especially through being essentially dropped in a big city without a map. At least that’s kind of how I feel.
Last semester I was on my knees constantly begging for direction from the Lord about what to do after YWAM. Denver. That’s the only answer I got. Why Denver? Why not make the easy move to Dallas? I would be close to family, close to friends, and be familiar with my surroundings, confident of job opportunities. But no, God said Denver.
So as I put on my cloak of independence, I braved the snowstorm and headed Northwest. About an hour into the drive, I thought “What the heck am I doing?!” About two hours into the drive, while listening to Mumford and Sons: “After the Storm”, I received some kind of peace from the Lord that I was living in the middle of His will and plan for my life. I have always wanted to live in Colorado. And here I am doing it.
SIDE NOTE: Whoever thinks you cannot worship to secular music is mistaken. Mumford and Sons have some seriously spiritual undertones, and their lyrics point me straight towards the God of the Universe. This particular song’s melody screams “There will come a day, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.”
I don’t know why that calmed me down so much, but I just got some kind of affirmation that the God who created life was in control. And that his love should guide me, because His love is the only kind worth trusting. The only love that doesn’t disappoint. Ever. I wont say it hasn’t been lonely at times, by myself in a big city. But amidst my fears, real as they are…I feel the presence of a God that is bigger than me.
He has blessed me in more ways that I can describe: Example #1: I live with the Gray family. Lorrie and Chris, and their two daughters, Zoe and Nadia. The most gracious of all families, I am so privileged to come home to such a welcoming group. I have gotten to watch them parent, and I learn so much from conversations with Lorrie about life and God and everything else. God has so sovereignly placed me here for a reason. I know the Lord better by interacting with the Gray family. And it is really the biggest blessing to never have to come home to an empty house. Thank you, Gray Family.
Example #2: Four summers ago I worked at Kanakuk, and during work week I met a girl named Alex Buth who I automatically clicked with. I only spent two weeks with Alex but I always remembered her. When I moved back to Denver, she is the one and only person I knew here. How great the Lord is for advocating such a friend. She has welcomed me with open arms into her life, always including me and letting me tag along. Alex has served as an open door into Denver, and I am so grateful for her generosity as she has made the transition from Texas to Colorado so much easier. Thank you, Alex Buth.
Example #3: About 10 years ago, a boy named Andrew Summersett was my boyfriend and he was passionately involved with what seemed like some kind of cult called ‘Kanakuk’. I cannot thank him enough for introducing me into the world that is Kanakuk, I owe him big time for that. He opened my eyes to a group of Christian athletes like myself who were seeking a relationship with Christ Jesus. Since being in Colorado I have gotten to be a part of the K-LIFE chapter here. Kanakuk has provided me with lifelong friendships, and countless opportunities. In a round about way, Andrew paved the way for a life of gospel community, everywhere I go. The Kanakuk network was my avenue for doing YWAM, for attaining my best friends, and now is serving as my sanctuary here in Denver. On Monday nights I have been attending K-LIFE club, and have met some AMAZING girls that have welcomed me with open arms. Funny how God uses my high school boyfriend to show me His grace through others. Thank you Andrew Summersett, Kanakuk, Lana Hass, Blair Whitley, and Tayler Ratanassin.
Example #4: My mom. My mom is……there are no words. The most supportive and loving person that lives. Oh how lucky I am to have such a phenomenal support system at home. She is the reason I am who I am. She is the reason I am in Denver, painful as it might be for her, accepting the distance between here and Texas. My mom is the most selfless person on the planet, and I cannot even imagine the size of her crown that is waiting for her in heaven. I have the best mom of anyone, anywhere. While I have been in Denver, searching for direction and trusting the Lord that called me here, my mom has been faithful to support me. Emotionally, physically, financially…you name it. My mom makes it possible for me to pursue the Lord wholeheartedly. It is so comforting to know that she loves me no matter what I do. I hope that someday I can be half the mom to my kids that she has been to me. I cant imagine a more successful mother. Anyways, talk about blessing from the Lord. I could not do what I am doing without her. And alongside her support, I have the same support from Brittney and Carson, Trudy, Kaleb and Roman, and my sweet Grandmommy. That’s my team. And I would pick them for my team every time. Thank you, Mom and family.
Example #5: God has just been opening avenues for me to pursue Him in every aspect. YWAMers have let me borrow snowboard equipment so that I can snowboard, while worshiping the God that allows me to be physically able to slide down a snowy mountain on a board. I like to look around and see how big my God is while taking in the beauty of nature in the winter wonderland of the Rocky Mountains. I have so many people in place here in Denver who want to be a part of my adventure. And I serve the God that put them there. God is opening doors for a career, and I will update you more on that later. I am just trying to keep my eyes on Him, trusting his guidance. He has proven trustworthy again and again. Thank you, Lord.
So while some days are harder than others, I am slowly settling down in Colorado. And when I sit back and think about it, I love it here. I love the mountains. I love the snow. I love that I live in the sunniest city in America. I love the God that brought me here. And one final thing that I am learning is honesty with myself and with God. Rightfully that Matt Chandler is starting a series on the topic. I am being blatantly honest with God. Or at least trying to. I think that’s the one thing that helps my healing in almost every avenue of my life.
I came to a huge painful conclusion about the state of my heart the other day that I had been denying for something like a year and a half now. Out loud I admitted my sin, the sin that I had so positively denied. It brought about some kind of freedom to own up to who I am-broken and unworthy, knowing that the gospel frees me to do so. God loves me regardless of my actions, shortcomings, and failures. Therefore my identity should be rooted not in what I can accomplish, but in what Christ already accomplished for me on the cross. I think the gospel is meant to bring us to the end of ourselves so that we finally place our meaning, purpose, and sense of well-being in Christ alone. And I get to the end of parts of me pretty often.
Some days I am overwhelmed with how grateful I am, and I FEEL it. Other days, while the knowledge of how blessed I am remains in my head, I don’t feel it. I feel alone and sad…for no apparent reason. So I am faithful to tell God that I feel like that. Not like he doesn’t know in the first place. Some days I feel hopeless. Some days I feel overwhelmed. Some days I feel like I am on top of the world. I have been in love before….once or twice, and I want to be in LOVE with the Lord.
I have found my thoughts drifting to the Lord lately, and I think that is a good sign. I sometimes love other things more than I love God…Lord save me from myself. One thing that moving to Colorado has made painfully clear is my dependence on Christ Jesus. On his unfailing love. On his healing grace, and unending mercy. I believe that I am loved. I don’t believe it fully, but I am making some leeway. I only hope that I will be filled so full with this love that it will pour out of me into the lives of others. This was scattered, but in conclusion, trust God. Trust the God that created you and calls you. When He says do something ridiculous, do it. Because it is by this type of faith that we get to see Him be faithful. Dallas would have been fine. I would have relied on my own self sufficiency and been fine. But I would have missed seeing God provide in ways that I could not imagine.
Monica Rex sent me this “A life characterized by apparent self sufficiency finds no inherent need or desperate longing for such a sacrifice. In order to find oneself worthy in Christ, one must first find themselves completely unworthy in the sense that a hole must be present that only Christ can fill.” And can I just say, Christ fills that hole so perfectly.
Last semester I was on my knees constantly begging for direction from the Lord about what to do after YWAM. Denver. That’s the only answer I got. Why Denver? Why not make the easy move to Dallas? I would be close to family, close to friends, and be familiar with my surroundings, confident of job opportunities. But no, God said Denver.
So as I put on my cloak of independence, I braved the snowstorm and headed Northwest. About an hour into the drive, I thought “What the heck am I doing?!” About two hours into the drive, while listening to Mumford and Sons: “After the Storm”, I received some kind of peace from the Lord that I was living in the middle of His will and plan for my life. I have always wanted to live in Colorado. And here I am doing it.
SIDE NOTE: Whoever thinks you cannot worship to secular music is mistaken. Mumford and Sons have some seriously spiritual undertones, and their lyrics point me straight towards the God of the Universe. This particular song’s melody screams “There will come a day, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.”
I don’t know why that calmed me down so much, but I just got some kind of affirmation that the God who created life was in control. And that his love should guide me, because His love is the only kind worth trusting. The only love that doesn’t disappoint. Ever. I wont say it hasn’t been lonely at times, by myself in a big city. But amidst my fears, real as they are…I feel the presence of a God that is bigger than me.
He has blessed me in more ways that I can describe: Example #1: I live with the Gray family. Lorrie and Chris, and their two daughters, Zoe and Nadia. The most gracious of all families, I am so privileged to come home to such a welcoming group. I have gotten to watch them parent, and I learn so much from conversations with Lorrie about life and God and everything else. God has so sovereignly placed me here for a reason. I know the Lord better by interacting with the Gray family. And it is really the biggest blessing to never have to come home to an empty house. Thank you, Gray Family.
Example #2: Four summers ago I worked at Kanakuk, and during work week I met a girl named Alex Buth who I automatically clicked with. I only spent two weeks with Alex but I always remembered her. When I moved back to Denver, she is the one and only person I knew here. How great the Lord is for advocating such a friend. She has welcomed me with open arms into her life, always including me and letting me tag along. Alex has served as an open door into Denver, and I am so grateful for her generosity as she has made the transition from Texas to Colorado so much easier. Thank you, Alex Buth.
Example #3: About 10 years ago, a boy named Andrew Summersett was my boyfriend and he was passionately involved with what seemed like some kind of cult called ‘Kanakuk’. I cannot thank him enough for introducing me into the world that is Kanakuk, I owe him big time for that. He opened my eyes to a group of Christian athletes like myself who were seeking a relationship with Christ Jesus. Since being in Colorado I have gotten to be a part of the K-LIFE chapter here. Kanakuk has provided me with lifelong friendships, and countless opportunities. In a round about way, Andrew paved the way for a life of gospel community, everywhere I go. The Kanakuk network was my avenue for doing YWAM, for attaining my best friends, and now is serving as my sanctuary here in Denver. On Monday nights I have been attending K-LIFE club, and have met some AMAZING girls that have welcomed me with open arms. Funny how God uses my high school boyfriend to show me His grace through others. Thank you Andrew Summersett, Kanakuk, Lana Hass, Blair Whitley, and Tayler Ratanassin.
Example #4: My mom. My mom is……there are no words. The most supportive and loving person that lives. Oh how lucky I am to have such a phenomenal support system at home. She is the reason I am who I am. She is the reason I am in Denver, painful as it might be for her, accepting the distance between here and Texas. My mom is the most selfless person on the planet, and I cannot even imagine the size of her crown that is waiting for her in heaven. I have the best mom of anyone, anywhere. While I have been in Denver, searching for direction and trusting the Lord that called me here, my mom has been faithful to support me. Emotionally, physically, financially…you name it. My mom makes it possible for me to pursue the Lord wholeheartedly. It is so comforting to know that she loves me no matter what I do. I hope that someday I can be half the mom to my kids that she has been to me. I cant imagine a more successful mother. Anyways, talk about blessing from the Lord. I could not do what I am doing without her. And alongside her support, I have the same support from Brittney and Carson, Trudy, Kaleb and Roman, and my sweet Grandmommy. That’s my team. And I would pick them for my team every time. Thank you, Mom and family.
Example #5: God has just been opening avenues for me to pursue Him in every aspect. YWAMers have let me borrow snowboard equipment so that I can snowboard, while worshiping the God that allows me to be physically able to slide down a snowy mountain on a board. I like to look around and see how big my God is while taking in the beauty of nature in the winter wonderland of the Rocky Mountains. I have so many people in place here in Denver who want to be a part of my adventure. And I serve the God that put them there. God is opening doors for a career, and I will update you more on that later. I am just trying to keep my eyes on Him, trusting his guidance. He has proven trustworthy again and again. Thank you, Lord.
So while some days are harder than others, I am slowly settling down in Colorado. And when I sit back and think about it, I love it here. I love the mountains. I love the snow. I love that I live in the sunniest city in America. I love the God that brought me here. And one final thing that I am learning is honesty with myself and with God. Rightfully that Matt Chandler is starting a series on the topic. I am being blatantly honest with God. Or at least trying to. I think that’s the one thing that helps my healing in almost every avenue of my life.
I came to a huge painful conclusion about the state of my heart the other day that I had been denying for something like a year and a half now. Out loud I admitted my sin, the sin that I had so positively denied. It brought about some kind of freedom to own up to who I am-broken and unworthy, knowing that the gospel frees me to do so. God loves me regardless of my actions, shortcomings, and failures. Therefore my identity should be rooted not in what I can accomplish, but in what Christ already accomplished for me on the cross. I think the gospel is meant to bring us to the end of ourselves so that we finally place our meaning, purpose, and sense of well-being in Christ alone. And I get to the end of parts of me pretty often.
Some days I am overwhelmed with how grateful I am, and I FEEL it. Other days, while the knowledge of how blessed I am remains in my head, I don’t feel it. I feel alone and sad…for no apparent reason. So I am faithful to tell God that I feel like that. Not like he doesn’t know in the first place. Some days I feel hopeless. Some days I feel overwhelmed. Some days I feel like I am on top of the world. I have been in love before….once or twice, and I want to be in LOVE with the Lord.
I have found my thoughts drifting to the Lord lately, and I think that is a good sign. I sometimes love other things more than I love God…Lord save me from myself. One thing that moving to Colorado has made painfully clear is my dependence on Christ Jesus. On his unfailing love. On his healing grace, and unending mercy. I believe that I am loved. I don’t believe it fully, but I am making some leeway. I only hope that I will be filled so full with this love that it will pour out of me into the lives of others. This was scattered, but in conclusion, trust God. Trust the God that created you and calls you. When He says do something ridiculous, do it. Because it is by this type of faith that we get to see Him be faithful. Dallas would have been fine. I would have relied on my own self sufficiency and been fine. But I would have missed seeing God provide in ways that I could not imagine.
Monica Rex sent me this “A life characterized by apparent self sufficiency finds no inherent need or desperate longing for such a sacrifice. In order to find oneself worthy in Christ, one must first find themselves completely unworthy in the sense that a hole must be present that only Christ can fill.” And can I just say, Christ fills that hole so perfectly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)