Come Let Us Return To The Lord

Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces, but he will heal us; he has injured us, but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us that we might live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.” -Hosea 6:1-3 

Currently, I am sitting in my beautiful office, with a view of the mountains and the majestic towers of Valor listening to a calming Bon Iver. I live with my 2nd family, I have my dream job, and all thanks and glory to the God who ordained it. This was not my own doing, but as it stands, I am well acquainted with comfort. 

And yet…surrounding me and engulfing my mind is sadness, discomfort, and hurt. I ache for those less fortunate than me, and my heart rages against the injustice. Why God? How much longer will you let this go on? This weekend has left me feeling numb…then totally not numb, angry and hopeless. An elementary school? The horror. And yet, so many children all over the world experience trauma just as devastating every day. How can this happen? How have we have gotten so far from Christ?  I am shaking my head in disbelief.

I am urged to do something about it; to stop this madness. To scream at God, and tell him that we can’t do this anymore and that he needs to come get us. We can’t do it, IT'S TIME JESUS! I want to cry and tell him to make it all stop. I want out. The pain is insurmountable, and the hurt is unbearable. Hearts are absolutely breaking all over the world. One of my favorite authors says it perfectly: “It’s all I can do. I’ve reached my threshold. I am begging for morning, praying for the dawn. I am truly in a season of Advent, waiting. Jesus, when are you going to come and make all things new? When will you redeem these losses and heal this land? When will children be safe? When are you coming? We are waiting, a groaning earth. We are aliens and strangers, reaching toward the kingdom, gasping. The hope torch is so heavy. 

My only answer in the face of all this madness is Jesus. I literally have no other words, no better narrative. I believe Him. Just like He came the first time, in the margins, and the earth received her King, I know He is still here, ruling the world with truth and grace. I know He cares and He sees and He will be found. I know He is the light of the world, even though the night is so dark, so pitch black.” 

Despite all of my longing and lofty ideas of how to redeem all of this, I cannot even fix myself…much less the rest of the world. I find myself helpless and broken at the feet of a holy God. I am part of this problem in the first place. I am reminded that, in itself, moral failure is not our biggest problem. Instead, the most hideous problem in the world is a failure to see God for who He really is. We get really messed up when we dont know who God is...and what He thinks of us.

My flesh and the enemy speak out that God must be perpetually displeased and disappointed with my feeble attempts at obedience. And yet, in the bible I find something totally and utterly different. Astoundingly different. GRACE. God’s mercy to sinners is not calculated and careful, it is lavish and outrageous. 

It is baffling to me that after years of following this Jesus, who loves me with such persistence that it sometimes makes my head spin, that I can still lose sight of the offer he makes every day, every hour. The gospel that says “it is finished” and “come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” I forget all too often. I forget that the gospel is for Christians; for me. That it was at my worst that Christ died for me. How is that possible? Outrageous grace, unending love; it makes no sense. 

Yet, it’s true. It is true in the highest sense. Ephesians says:
“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. BUT BECAUSE OF HIS GREAT LOVE FOR US, GOD, WHO IS RICH IN MERCY, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” 

God is so frustrating and awe-inspiring. The whole concept is just absolutely ludicrous. Undeserving acceptance, unrequited love, unending mercy and grace. This rails against everything that seems true. Today though, I choose to believe it.  Because it is our only hope.

An oh, do I feel the weight of my inability to make my heart completely submissive to Him. This morning, I am pleading with Jesus for a heart that loves Him rightly, claiming the blood of Jesus to cover my constant and overwhelming shortcomings. I feel this holy discontentment for where my life is, and where I want it to be. I want more of Him. More of the joy and peace that he offers. So with my failures and anger and confusion and frustration and tear-filled rage blackouts, I find myself re-reading Hosea 6. “Come let us return to the Lord…” 

And so I will.

Come Ye Sinners

Come ye sinners, poor and needy
Weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready, stands to save you
Full of pity, love and power

Come ye thirsty, come and welcome
God's free bounty glorify
True belief and true repentance
And every grace that brings you nigh

Come ye weary, heavy laden
Lost and ruined by the fall
If you tarry until you're better
You will never come at all

I will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in his arms
And in the arms of my dear Savior
There are 10,000 charms 

Overwhelmed

The past month has been essentially a blur for me.  I took a trip to Texas at the end of July to see my lovely family and spent some time in the heat playing sand volleyball and getting snowcones with my sibs.  Also did a lot to regain some Texas twang in my accent. Can't let it go.

There is something beautiful about Texas hidden beneath the sweat and heat and incredible vastness, and it's found in the faces of everyone I love there.  I enjoyed a full weekend with Becca, making dinner together and catching up like it seems we always are.  I always leave unbelievably encouraged after spending time with her.  Cara, my long lost high school buddy, even made a quick appearance to say hello.  A quick trip to The Village Church set us home bound with tears in our eyes and full hearts, tender to the unwavering mercy and grace of God the Father. 

The next week was spend mostly at the pool or at the sand volleyball courts watching Carson shine at the King of the Beach tournament. I was swelling with pride.  I got a lot of sun, and a lot of good quality time with my family that I love so dearly.  The whole vacation was capped off with a trip to the lake with Megan Templin, wakeboarding and reminiscing the days when we saw each other more than once a year.  

It felt good to be home, and it was a nice transition into the whirlwind of emotions and blessing that the next week would bring.


I moved South!  (Closer to Texas, but still in Colorado)  I am living with the most amazing, unbelievable family - the Haskins.  They have graciously provided me a home here in Colorado, treating me like I am part of their family.  And oh, there isn't a better family, aside from my own, that I would want to be a part of.  This precious family is my new definition of God's magnificent grace.  I am blown away at their generosity of welcoming me into their home, and sometimes feel like crying at how lucky I feel to be a part of such a God-centered, grace-drenched household.  It is the most evident of the blessings and provision that God has showered down on me this month.  I am so unbelievably and undeservedly blessed by them on an hourly basis.

I am working full time and full days at Valor Christian High School.  There aren't enough words in the English language to correctly emphasize this God ordained miracle.   I am obsessed with my co-workers, and completely at peace with putting my authority under the leadership at Valor and the men and women who serve on the Board of Directors there.  I am blown away at how Christ-centered my work environment is.  We often spend time in worship and prayer, and had a staff / faculty retreat in the mountains to spend time with our Lord Jesus and to begin authentic relationships with new co-workers.

On top of everything thus far, I get to work with high school kids. All day.  Every day. What a dream.  I get to plan fun events for them, and just hangout with them and talk about Jesus.  I get to love on them, laugh with them, cry with them, and be a part of showing them the majesty of the God we serve during some extremely transformative years of their lives.  I get to point them towards Jesus.  However, I can guarantee, though, that God is transforming me just as much.  I don't know how to physically take in all the joy that I am experiencing.  I am being radiantly lavished upon by Christ, and I don't know what to do besides laugh.  And cry.  And worship in every way possible.  I am overwhelmed, and whatever word is more powerful than that.

I know that it won't always be this way.  I know that happiness can be stolen in one instant, but this joy is set deep in my heart and for this season, I am so unrealistically overjoyed to be serving the God that I love in this capacity.

Thank you Jesus, for loving someone so undeserving and lowly as me.  Thank you for wanting me despite my consistent and constant failures.  Oh God you are so good.  Let me life reflect my love and passion for you.  All glory and honor and praise to you, my King.  Please help me to love others as you have so perfectly loved me. 

Thankful Thursdays

1. Manicures and Pedicures with your best friend on a particularly rough day. Naturally I got french and she got barbie pink. No shock here, people.

2. THE POOL.  THE POOL.  THE POOL!

3. TEXAS VACATION THIS WEEK, and naturally this awesome t-shirt that Kristin sent me via snail mail.

4. These two idiots, and hammocks in the backyard. 

5. The great city of Denver which I am so extremely blessed to call home.

6. Sunset walks at Wash Park.

7. Spending some quality time with this hott mama this weekend. 

 

8.  Pretending we still live in the same town, and loving on my little clone of a BFF in Dallas.

9.  Savoring some ACTUAL Tex-Mex.
10.  My last day of work at the full time job.....TODAY.  Praising the Lord for the past 2 years at this job and for the opportunity to move on!


SO VERY THANKFUL THIS WEEK!!!!!

Plane Crash

I loved having my brothers and sister here. It’s like a little piece of home showing up in the mountains, wrapped in movie quotes and exceptional senses of humor. But upon the closing of my car door as I departed from the airport, the quiet engulfed me like a warm blanket. I reflected on the weekend and relayed details to the parents, reminiscing on all the laughter and idiocy of our time together. 

After a week full of 90 miles per hour, I am exceedingly ready for an afternoon in my hammock dozing off in the sunshine. I need solitude, and some one on one time with Jesus. Just to think. To rest. To sleep. I find this need more apparent in myself as I get older. Maybe I am going to end up turning into my mother after all. 

There is something about paying attention, about prayer, about being present to the world in every moment. This weekend I abandoned my phone and my computer (for the most part) and just lived mostly outside. I think it’s what we were created for despite the fact that everyone knows I am a complete technology whore.  But, there is a way of choosing to live in the now, whatever it might look like. There is something about preserving my sense of wonder, presence, and attentiveness to the beauty of the world that God has placed me in.

And stopping to breathe, it heals me. I need my days to be punctuated by moments of rest and awe in the beauty of my God and the beauty of his creation. Because the beauty and wonder and awe, they are always there just waiting for me to pause and look around. Here is some photo documentation of the weekend:

Some Advice, Maybe

Life is funny. Everyone lives this completely different reality and none of them can really ever coincide. I can never get someone to FULLY understand how I feel and what I think. Probably because not even I know how I feel and what I think most days. Don’t get me wrong; one of the biggest blessings in this world is to be able to walk alongside others through the ups and downs and twists and turns of life. To love and be loved. However, we are each living our own story – I can’t have yours and you can’t have mine, and sometimes the story includes the same people over and over again and sometimes it moves you across the country to walk (or snowboard) with people you’ve never met. 

Some of the greatest people I know live in Texas, some live in Colorado or Florida or Tennessee. Even Louisana which is baffling. Futher, one actually lives in New York…which is a phenomenon because there can probably only be one good person in New York at a time. New York is the anti of everything I value in life (sweatpants/nature&outdoors/naps/etc.) Some of my friends are terribly happy, some frustrated, some mad as hell, some wondering what’s next, and some exhausted to the point that it manifests in what appears as drunkenness. 

Everyone’s problem is how we are going to spend this one odd and precious life that we have been issued. Whether we are going to push, and stress, and fight to the top trying to achieve whatever goal it is that we think will quiet the throbbing ache and anxiety inside us. Or whether we are going to stop, rest, taste and smell life, enjoy it, and figure out who we really are as opposed to who we think we are supposed to be. 

Some advice, maybe:

I don’t know where you are right now, if you are hurting or crying or laughing or dancing or doing drugs in the girls bathroom, but I do know that you are not the sum of whatever it is that you think defines you. Unless of course, you think that God defines you…in which case you would be spot on correct and you should immediately consider stopping the drugs. In the end we are all exactly as God says we are, despite every achievement and every rejection or failure. And God says we are fiercely loved. And, while it’s extremely hard to believe during these hard times of the mundane 8-5 schedule, we are free. We are here to love and be loved, freely. 

I don’t know about you but I think sometimes I get caught up running the rat wheel.  And lately, I’ve remembered that life isn’t about being famous or making money or gaining respect from people who actually could care less because, for me, I feel best when I’m not doing much. When I’m in nature preferably by a campfire with beloved other souls, or very quiet, or paradoxically, listening to music. That’s when I can sit back and remember that I am here for a purpose, and that purpose is not to become “the best version of myself.” I am here to love and be loved, and to glorify the One who created me for exactly that. 

Can we all agree that nothing feeds the spirit like a sense of humor? Maybe we just try to laugh a lot - at everything, and travel…and rest. Lay in a hammock outside under a big tree and read a book. Calm down. Pray alot. And when things are hard, we are free to cry hard, pressing into suffering in hopes that there is a future glory where pain doesn’t exist. And maybe let’s do something for people who need help, because the day is coming where you are that person. Be thankful. And maybe let’s stop being so asthmatic with anxiety because that just culminates in us wasting this gift that is life.

If you hear nothing else: Get to know Jesus. He is infinitely and eternally worth it. Read the bible and just find out about Him.  Ask Him about himself. Ask him what he thinks about you. He is crazy beyond comprehension, and amazing, and perfect, and worthy of our worship. Jesus is the only thing that makes our human existence REALLY mean something; it is only through him that we are able to enter into something of significance that is much, much bigger than ourselves. 

The Weight of Glory

Lately, I find myself itching for something. Rather, aching for something. Something beyond me and something that is more than just flesh and bones. Some kind of unquenchable thirst for something that satisfies everything I want and need. The fact that I long for it led C.S. Lewis to believe that it exists. He says that the longings for satisfaction and contentment and eternity come because such a thing exists that will fully meet all those longings.

I long for a place, or maybe a person who is utterly and wholly ‘other.’ I am unable to put my finger on exactly what I am looking for, but I know I need it.

Colorado was a glimpse of this. I remember wanting BEAUTY, a place where I could get lost in creation, where I could breathe fresh air and completely slip away from the hustle and bustle of life; in a word, a place of peace. The Rocky Mountains gave me the sense of that for a fleeting instant, and yet even in the middle of the great outdoors…something is still missing. I am unable to fully articulate it, and my listeners are much less able to understand and feel it with me fully. The gap. The ever expanding gap in the space between. My heart seems to know exactly what I am looking for, but is keeping it a secret from my head. I long for something that is just outside of my experience, but it seems that my soul knows it’s there. Just beyond my grasp. My longing propels me to search, with the hope that when I arrive at the destination, my heart will exclaim “Yes! This is exactly what I was looking for.”

Today I am forever tied with C.S. Lewis, to heaven. The idea of being fully content and fully satisfied and wholly rid of this skin that makes me unable to experience any of it. Today I feel the eternity that was set in my heart by my beloved Jesus.

“If a transtemporal, transfinite good is our real destiny, then any other good on which our desire fixes must be in some degree fallacious, must bear at best only a symbolical relation to what will truly satisfy. …The secret we cannot hide and cannot tell, though we desire to do both. We cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience. We cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it, and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name.

These things – the beauty, the memory of our own past – are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.

We remain conscious of a desire which no natural happiness will satisfy.…For a few minutes we have had the illusion of belonging to that world. Now we wake to find that it is no such thing. We have been mere spectators. Beauty has smiled, but not to welcome us; her face was turned in our direction, but not to see us. We have not been accepted, welcomed, or taken into the dance.

The sense that in this universe we are treated as strangers, the longing to be acknowledged, to meet with some response, to bridge some chasm that yawns between us and reality, is part of our inconsolable secret. And surely, from this point of view, the promise of glory, in the sense described, becomes highly relevant to our deep desire. For glory meant good report with God, acceptance by God, response, acknowledgment, and welcome into the heart of things. The door on which we have been knocking all our lives will open at last. Perhaps it seems rather crude to describe glory as the fact of being “noticed” by God.”
-C.S. Lewis

Psalm 91

Some days, and I take great lengths to remember and drink deeply of the joys of life, I feel like dancing and singing and shouting. I twirl and laugh for no reason. I drive with the windows down. I feel happiness to an infinite degree and everything is beautiful and magnificent and life seems breezy. Days when the sun is out, it's warm and I am eating fresh pineapple. Days when things seem right and good in the world. Like a sunset at the park. Or a night with old friends playing games around a fire.

And then, gravity sometimes sets in and some days feel more like life has woken you up abruptly and you are frazzled and your hair looks a hot mess. And you're always late. Days when you are sick and tired and outside in the cold with inadequate clothing. Times when nothing seems worth it and everyone is against you. When you feel attacked or threatened or like you are being pulled in a million directions for a million reasons when all you want is solitude or to be in your bed. And yet we drink deeply of these too. The fight. The dark night of the soul.

One minute it’s sunny, and the next minute it’s hailing.

I want to confess that I have been wrestling. I have been blatantly disobedient to the call and stirrings of Christ and I have felt guilt and shame over it, and even still a resistance remains in my heart towards the things of God. Why? I know truth after truth about the goodness and mercy of God. And yet my fleshly heart is against Him. There is a resounding terror in the idea of my surrender to Christ, of being out of control. Of being led to a place of discomfort by a God who (in my head) is ready to crush me.

I have seen my struggle and these lies I believe accidently spill into other relationships and rear their heads as anything from insecurity to jealousy. Amidst my wrestle with God, I have let myself be covered in lies. And worse, I believe them. Isn’t that how it goes? We get away from our life source in Christ, and we just start making our messes messier. Lately, I have been all kinds of crazy and two shades of irritable. I think the key to my distress is my lack of intimacy with Christ. My very skewed version of who God really is, and what he thinks of me. And so, with eyes to the ground, tear stained cheeks, and feeble/wobbly knees I am taking steps back towards what is true.

And true is this:

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty...He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge, His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart...a thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand, but it shall not come near you. If you make the Most High your dwelling--even the LORD, who is my refuge then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." -Psalm 91

"The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” -Zephaniah 3:17

There are a lot of things that I want to be. That I think I am. Things that define me and things that are true of me. I could make a long list of words that I think define me or at least the ones that I want to define me. And my motivation behind having this definition, this persona that is all that I am and all that I want to be, is at some deep level I need to feel wanted. Against all my rational and known truths, I believe that I must perform a certain way in order that God will actually want me.

Despite my best attempts at fierce independence and nonchalance, I honestly want approval. I want to know that I am doing okay, that I am on track, that I am going in the right direction. I want justification and affirmation and acceptance. I think it’s the result of my human nature, a fallen world and the burden that all of us (at some level) bear. And so at the depths of my very fragile heart, my life is constantly being set beside a measuring stick. Am I funny? Am I pretty? Am I good? Am I right? Am I okay? Am I wanted?

In this single moment, though, I am met with the challenge to stop trying so hard to be the girl I think I am supposed to be. To instead, “dwell in the shelter of the Most High, and find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” To yield to the God unseen, and to just be. To just exist in the sweet surrender of breathing in the breath that He has given me for this one hour. It’s a bitter pill for my pride to swallow to give up any and all expectations that I have set for myself.

Still, I feel begged, right now, to just be Ally. Nothing more, nothing less. Defined by nothing other than Christ’s love for me. Maybe today I could just sit in the magnitude of His adoration for me. Maybe I could just revel in how He recklessly loves me. To the depths of my soul. Without any performance from me. He wants me. Adores me. And this love drenches me when I am not funny. When I am disobedient. When I am clumsy and emotional and frustrated and wildly out of control crazy. It is then that he whispers “You are mine.” He knows me more fully than I know myself, the depths and the heights of every crevice of my soul and he responds “I want you.”

And in that, my weary soul finds rest.

In Christ Alone

Banking my decisions, fears, hopes, dreams, and life on this truth:

"In Christ alone my hope is found.
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace.
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save;
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me.
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death.
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man;
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."