I learned a little something about waves whenever I was in Costa Rica living on the beach: if you try to stand and face the wave, it will smash you to bits, but if you trust the water and let it carry you, there’s nothing sweeter. Sarah from Australia had a hay-day trying to teach me what to do as a large wave approached, as I would often end up upside down, feet kicking above water, face in the sand struggling to find air. I think I have decided that my life follows suit.
Waves=change. If you dig in and fight the change you’re facing, it will indeed annihilate you. It will hold you under the water, swirl you around, confuse and scare you, leaving you coughing and gasping for oxygen wondering how you got 50 yards down the beach.
This last season in my life has been characterized, more than anything else, by change. Hard, but good, swirling, one-after another changes. So many that I can’t quite regain my footing before the next one comes, very much like being tumbled by waves. And I am not saying that this change is bad, but I am saying that this change is hard.
Within one year I lived with my sister, had comfortable best friends at Texas A&M, skyped with a long distance friend every night, graduated from college, packed my car and moved to Denver, Colorado, attended Youth With A Mission and camped the rockies, made 4 unforgettable friends that I lived and breathed alongside 24 hours a day for five months who only God could have picked, said friends became family. I traveled to Panama, traveled to Costa Rica, slept in a palm tree hut and ate only rice and fish heads, almost died on a canoe trip across the Pacific ocean, fell in love with some kiddos doing jazzercise in the streets, came back to the States culture shocked, drove back across the country, lived at home in a tiny room with my hero of a brother and littlest sister, worked in the Shady T to make enough money to move, drove across the country for a third time to Colorado—this time permanent, got a full time job doing something I thought I would never do and love it, started working at K-LIFE and joined another family.
Seems like the adventure of a lifetime right? Well it was. And it was hard.
I have an infinite capacity to over-sensationalize the past. It’s like I cannot appreciate and take in all the beauty while I am IN IT, even while I am trying REALLY hard not to take my time for granted. Relentlessly, time eludes me and I end up looking back on the good and the hard times. But the painful sting of memories always leaves me in awe of how amazing God is through it all.
The bible is drenched in suffering and yet I always expect to be able to click my ruby red slippers and wake up with everything figured out. I’d really like the wisdom without the walking through fire. God doesn’t work this way, I have learned.
Anyways I have been reading and listening to a lot of things on suffering and how it is a part of the human experience. But there is something beautiful about our suffering when the God who loves us allows it to draw us back to Him. We hit rock bottom and find God wanting to lift us up. We find Him reaching out a hand offering help when we have once again tried to do life on our own and failed miserably. (Is this just me?) I recently told a friend that sometimes God allows us to be lonely, to hurt, to be sad, to be desperate in order to remind us once again that only He possess all-sufficient satisfaction, but I think it applied to me maybe even more than her. And although the fire burns and hurts, we end up back on our knees reaching out to Jesus, with a clear vision of our utter and complete dependency on Him. It’s the most loving thing He could do.
Looking back now at times in my life that I felt most injured, I can see how powerfully God used those trials and tribulations to refine me. I think it says something about being refined through the fire in the bible like 10-30 times, but who’s counting?
The thing is, I never see how beautiful the gold will be after being refined in the fire, WHILE I am in the fire…or to bring it home with the ‘waves’ analogy: when I am underwater swirling and panicking, lungs about to explode, all I can think is ‘OH shiZ how the hell do I get out of here!?! Where’s the TOP?!’ I am screaming that this hurts/sucks/blows at the top of my lungs. More than anything I think this is a failure to believe in the story of who God is and what he is doing in this world amidst my waves.
Like Donald Miller says, we are trees in the story of a forest. But instead of living that story — one of sacrifice and purpose and character — I begin to live a much smaller story, and that story is only about me. I want an answer, a timeline, and a map and QUICK please. I don’t want to have to trust God or anything I can’t see. I don’t want to wait or follow. I refuse to unclench my hands and my jaw, and I lock my knees and steel myself in the face of almost every wave. And then like clockwork I end up crying in the shower or alone in my car jamming out to some sappy song. Pathetic? I know.
Every wave presents us with a choice to make, and quite often, unfortunately, I have stood, both resolute and terrified, staring down a wave. I have been smacked straight on with the force of the water, tumbled, disoriented, gasping for breath and for my swimsuit bottoms.
About 2 weeks ago I got smacked in the face so hard that I didn’t know which way was up. And there was God at the end of it all waiting to pick me up and call me His own. And oh how sweet it is to look up at a loving Father who wipes the sand out of my eyes and holds me until I can stop coughing and crying, setting me back on the shore.
I am praying that I would let the waves carry me more often as change is inevitable. I am praying that God would be gentle as he allows waves to come into my life. But most of all I am praying that I live the story that God called me to amidst the waves. I am praying to find it within myself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together to find myself drawn along to a whole new place, drenched in grace. Maybe today I will begin to let the waves do their work in me.
I pray the same for you, friend. I pray you swim.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
New Year, New Life
I have now been living in Denver for two weeks, yesterday. Here is the best I can do to get the chaos of the past 18 days onto paper (website).
God is teaching me a lot of things right now, especially through being essentially dropped in a big city without a map. At least that’s kind of how I feel.
Last semester I was on my knees constantly begging for direction from the Lord about what to do after YWAM. Denver. That’s the only answer I got. Why Denver? Why not make the easy move to Dallas? I would be close to family, close to friends, and be familiar with my surroundings, confident of job opportunities. But no, God said Denver.
So as I put on my cloak of independence, I braved the snowstorm and headed Northwest. About an hour into the drive, I thought “What the heck am I doing?!” About two hours into the drive, while listening to Mumford and Sons: “After the Storm”, I received some kind of peace from the Lord that I was living in the middle of His will and plan for my life. I have always wanted to live in Colorado. And here I am doing it.
SIDE NOTE: Whoever thinks you cannot worship to secular music is mistaken. Mumford and Sons have some seriously spiritual undertones, and their lyrics point me straight towards the God of the Universe. This particular song’s melody screams “There will come a day, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.”
I don’t know why that calmed me down so much, but I just got some kind of affirmation that the God who created life was in control. And that his love should guide me, because His love is the only kind worth trusting. The only love that doesn’t disappoint. Ever. I wont say it hasn’t been lonely at times, by myself in a big city. But amidst my fears, real as they are…I feel the presence of a God that is bigger than me.
He has blessed me in more ways that I can describe: Example #1: I live with the Gray family. Lorrie and Chris, and their two daughters, Zoe and Nadia. The most gracious of all families, I am so privileged to come home to such a welcoming group. I have gotten to watch them parent, and I learn so much from conversations with Lorrie about life and God and everything else. God has so sovereignly placed me here for a reason. I know the Lord better by interacting with the Gray family. And it is really the biggest blessing to never have to come home to an empty house. Thank you, Gray Family.
Example #2: Four summers ago I worked at Kanakuk, and during work week I met a girl named Alex Buth who I automatically clicked with. I only spent two weeks with Alex but I always remembered her. When I moved back to Denver, she is the one and only person I knew here. How great the Lord is for advocating such a friend. She has welcomed me with open arms into her life, always including me and letting me tag along. Alex has served as an open door into Denver, and I am so grateful for her generosity as she has made the transition from Texas to Colorado so much easier. Thank you, Alex Buth.
Example #3: About 10 years ago, a boy named Andrew Summersett was my boyfriend and he was passionately involved with what seemed like some kind of cult called ‘Kanakuk’. I cannot thank him enough for introducing me into the world that is Kanakuk, I owe him big time for that. He opened my eyes to a group of Christian athletes like myself who were seeking a relationship with Christ Jesus. Since being in Colorado I have gotten to be a part of the K-LIFE chapter here. Kanakuk has provided me with lifelong friendships, and countless opportunities. In a round about way, Andrew paved the way for a life of gospel community, everywhere I go. The Kanakuk network was my avenue for doing YWAM, for attaining my best friends, and now is serving as my sanctuary here in Denver. On Monday nights I have been attending K-LIFE club, and have met some AMAZING girls that have welcomed me with open arms. Funny how God uses my high school boyfriend to show me His grace through others. Thank you Andrew Summersett, Kanakuk, Lana Hass, Blair Whitley, and Tayler Ratanassin.
Example #4: My mom. My mom is……there are no words. The most supportive and loving person that lives. Oh how lucky I am to have such a phenomenal support system at home. She is the reason I am who I am. She is the reason I am in Denver, painful as it might be for her, accepting the distance between here and Texas. My mom is the most selfless person on the planet, and I cannot even imagine the size of her crown that is waiting for her in heaven. I have the best mom of anyone, anywhere. While I have been in Denver, searching for direction and trusting the Lord that called me here, my mom has been faithful to support me. Emotionally, physically, financially…you name it. My mom makes it possible for me to pursue the Lord wholeheartedly. It is so comforting to know that she loves me no matter what I do. I hope that someday I can be half the mom to my kids that she has been to me. I cant imagine a more successful mother. Anyways, talk about blessing from the Lord. I could not do what I am doing without her. And alongside her support, I have the same support from Brittney and Carson, Trudy, Kaleb and Roman, and my sweet Grandmommy. That’s my team. And I would pick them for my team every time. Thank you, Mom and family.
Example #5: God has just been opening avenues for me to pursue Him in every aspect. YWAMers have let me borrow snowboard equipment so that I can snowboard, while worshiping the God that allows me to be physically able to slide down a snowy mountain on a board. I like to look around and see how big my God is while taking in the beauty of nature in the winter wonderland of the Rocky Mountains. I have so many people in place here in Denver who want to be a part of my adventure. And I serve the God that put them there. God is opening doors for a career, and I will update you more on that later. I am just trying to keep my eyes on Him, trusting his guidance. He has proven trustworthy again and again. Thank you, Lord.
So while some days are harder than others, I am slowly settling down in Colorado. And when I sit back and think about it, I love it here. I love the mountains. I love the snow. I love that I live in the sunniest city in America. I love the God that brought me here. And one final thing that I am learning is honesty with myself and with God. Rightfully that Matt Chandler is starting a series on the topic. I am being blatantly honest with God. Or at least trying to. I think that’s the one thing that helps my healing in almost every avenue of my life.
I came to a huge painful conclusion about the state of my heart the other day that I had been denying for something like a year and a half now. Out loud I admitted my sin, the sin that I had so positively denied. It brought about some kind of freedom to own up to who I am-broken and unworthy, knowing that the gospel frees me to do so. God loves me regardless of my actions, shortcomings, and failures. Therefore my identity should be rooted not in what I can accomplish, but in what Christ already accomplished for me on the cross. I think the gospel is meant to bring us to the end of ourselves so that we finally place our meaning, purpose, and sense of well-being in Christ alone. And I get to the end of parts of me pretty often.
Some days I am overwhelmed with how grateful I am, and I FEEL it. Other days, while the knowledge of how blessed I am remains in my head, I don’t feel it. I feel alone and sad…for no apparent reason. So I am faithful to tell God that I feel like that. Not like he doesn’t know in the first place. Some days I feel hopeless. Some days I feel overwhelmed. Some days I feel like I am on top of the world. I have been in love before….once or twice, and I want to be in LOVE with the Lord.
I have found my thoughts drifting to the Lord lately, and I think that is a good sign. I sometimes love other things more than I love God…Lord save me from myself. One thing that moving to Colorado has made painfully clear is my dependence on Christ Jesus. On his unfailing love. On his healing grace, and unending mercy. I believe that I am loved. I don’t believe it fully, but I am making some leeway. I only hope that I will be filled so full with this love that it will pour out of me into the lives of others. This was scattered, but in conclusion, trust God. Trust the God that created you and calls you. When He says do something ridiculous, do it. Because it is by this type of faith that we get to see Him be faithful. Dallas would have been fine. I would have relied on my own self sufficiency and been fine. But I would have missed seeing God provide in ways that I could not imagine.
Monica Rex sent me this “A life characterized by apparent self sufficiency finds no inherent need or desperate longing for such a sacrifice. In order to find oneself worthy in Christ, one must first find themselves completely unworthy in the sense that a hole must be present that only Christ can fill.” And can I just say, Christ fills that hole so perfectly.
Last semester I was on my knees constantly begging for direction from the Lord about what to do after YWAM. Denver. That’s the only answer I got. Why Denver? Why not make the easy move to Dallas? I would be close to family, close to friends, and be familiar with my surroundings, confident of job opportunities. But no, God said Denver.
So as I put on my cloak of independence, I braved the snowstorm and headed Northwest. About an hour into the drive, I thought “What the heck am I doing?!” About two hours into the drive, while listening to Mumford and Sons: “After the Storm”, I received some kind of peace from the Lord that I was living in the middle of His will and plan for my life. I have always wanted to live in Colorado. And here I am doing it.
SIDE NOTE: Whoever thinks you cannot worship to secular music is mistaken. Mumford and Sons have some seriously spiritual undertones, and their lyrics point me straight towards the God of the Universe. This particular song’s melody screams “There will come a day, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.”
I don’t know why that calmed me down so much, but I just got some kind of affirmation that the God who created life was in control. And that his love should guide me, because His love is the only kind worth trusting. The only love that doesn’t disappoint. Ever. I wont say it hasn’t been lonely at times, by myself in a big city. But amidst my fears, real as they are…I feel the presence of a God that is bigger than me.
He has blessed me in more ways that I can describe: Example #1: I live with the Gray family. Lorrie and Chris, and their two daughters, Zoe and Nadia. The most gracious of all families, I am so privileged to come home to such a welcoming group. I have gotten to watch them parent, and I learn so much from conversations with Lorrie about life and God and everything else. God has so sovereignly placed me here for a reason. I know the Lord better by interacting with the Gray family. And it is really the biggest blessing to never have to come home to an empty house. Thank you, Gray Family.
Example #2: Four summers ago I worked at Kanakuk, and during work week I met a girl named Alex Buth who I automatically clicked with. I only spent two weeks with Alex but I always remembered her. When I moved back to Denver, she is the one and only person I knew here. How great the Lord is for advocating such a friend. She has welcomed me with open arms into her life, always including me and letting me tag along. Alex has served as an open door into Denver, and I am so grateful for her generosity as she has made the transition from Texas to Colorado so much easier. Thank you, Alex Buth.
Example #3: About 10 years ago, a boy named Andrew Summersett was my boyfriend and he was passionately involved with what seemed like some kind of cult called ‘Kanakuk’. I cannot thank him enough for introducing me into the world that is Kanakuk, I owe him big time for that. He opened my eyes to a group of Christian athletes like myself who were seeking a relationship with Christ Jesus. Since being in Colorado I have gotten to be a part of the K-LIFE chapter here. Kanakuk has provided me with lifelong friendships, and countless opportunities. In a round about way, Andrew paved the way for a life of gospel community, everywhere I go. The Kanakuk network was my avenue for doing YWAM, for attaining my best friends, and now is serving as my sanctuary here in Denver. On Monday nights I have been attending K-LIFE club, and have met some AMAZING girls that have welcomed me with open arms. Funny how God uses my high school boyfriend to show me His grace through others. Thank you Andrew Summersett, Kanakuk, Lana Hass, Blair Whitley, and Tayler Ratanassin.
Example #4: My mom. My mom is……there are no words. The most supportive and loving person that lives. Oh how lucky I am to have such a phenomenal support system at home. She is the reason I am who I am. She is the reason I am in Denver, painful as it might be for her, accepting the distance between here and Texas. My mom is the most selfless person on the planet, and I cannot even imagine the size of her crown that is waiting for her in heaven. I have the best mom of anyone, anywhere. While I have been in Denver, searching for direction and trusting the Lord that called me here, my mom has been faithful to support me. Emotionally, physically, financially…you name it. My mom makes it possible for me to pursue the Lord wholeheartedly. It is so comforting to know that she loves me no matter what I do. I hope that someday I can be half the mom to my kids that she has been to me. I cant imagine a more successful mother. Anyways, talk about blessing from the Lord. I could not do what I am doing without her. And alongside her support, I have the same support from Brittney and Carson, Trudy, Kaleb and Roman, and my sweet Grandmommy. That’s my team. And I would pick them for my team every time. Thank you, Mom and family.
Example #5: God has just been opening avenues for me to pursue Him in every aspect. YWAMers have let me borrow snowboard equipment so that I can snowboard, while worshiping the God that allows me to be physically able to slide down a snowy mountain on a board. I like to look around and see how big my God is while taking in the beauty of nature in the winter wonderland of the Rocky Mountains. I have so many people in place here in Denver who want to be a part of my adventure. And I serve the God that put them there. God is opening doors for a career, and I will update you more on that later. I am just trying to keep my eyes on Him, trusting his guidance. He has proven trustworthy again and again. Thank you, Lord.
So while some days are harder than others, I am slowly settling down in Colorado. And when I sit back and think about it, I love it here. I love the mountains. I love the snow. I love that I live in the sunniest city in America. I love the God that brought me here. And one final thing that I am learning is honesty with myself and with God. Rightfully that Matt Chandler is starting a series on the topic. I am being blatantly honest with God. Or at least trying to. I think that’s the one thing that helps my healing in almost every avenue of my life.
I came to a huge painful conclusion about the state of my heart the other day that I had been denying for something like a year and a half now. Out loud I admitted my sin, the sin that I had so positively denied. It brought about some kind of freedom to own up to who I am-broken and unworthy, knowing that the gospel frees me to do so. God loves me regardless of my actions, shortcomings, and failures. Therefore my identity should be rooted not in what I can accomplish, but in what Christ already accomplished for me on the cross. I think the gospel is meant to bring us to the end of ourselves so that we finally place our meaning, purpose, and sense of well-being in Christ alone. And I get to the end of parts of me pretty often.
Some days I am overwhelmed with how grateful I am, and I FEEL it. Other days, while the knowledge of how blessed I am remains in my head, I don’t feel it. I feel alone and sad…for no apparent reason. So I am faithful to tell God that I feel like that. Not like he doesn’t know in the first place. Some days I feel hopeless. Some days I feel overwhelmed. Some days I feel like I am on top of the world. I have been in love before….once or twice, and I want to be in LOVE with the Lord.
I have found my thoughts drifting to the Lord lately, and I think that is a good sign. I sometimes love other things more than I love God…Lord save me from myself. One thing that moving to Colorado has made painfully clear is my dependence on Christ Jesus. On his unfailing love. On his healing grace, and unending mercy. I believe that I am loved. I don’t believe it fully, but I am making some leeway. I only hope that I will be filled so full with this love that it will pour out of me into the lives of others. This was scattered, but in conclusion, trust God. Trust the God that created you and calls you. When He says do something ridiculous, do it. Because it is by this type of faith that we get to see Him be faithful. Dallas would have been fine. I would have relied on my own self sufficiency and been fine. But I would have missed seeing God provide in ways that I could not imagine.
Monica Rex sent me this “A life characterized by apparent self sufficiency finds no inherent need or desperate longing for such a sacrifice. In order to find oneself worthy in Christ, one must first find themselves completely unworthy in the sense that a hole must be present that only Christ can fill.” And can I just say, Christ fills that hole so perfectly.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Extracted Ramblings
I am not sure how to get words onto paper. My thoughts are not comprehendible and the thought of picking one from the canvas of my heart and mind seems about as daunting as picking out the banana from a strawberry pineapple banana smoothie like the ones we had so often in Costa Rica. So as I extract random thoughts from the blender of a brain that I have, please forgive the randomness. And welcome once again to my chaotic anarchy.
Since being back in the States, I look at things differently. I look at relationships differently. I look at my money and what I spend it on differently. I look at my struggles differently. In retrospect, I don’t think any of these things are different but on the contrary…I am different. I am the thing that has changed. I came back to everything and everyone being as they were before I left. And yet here I am in many circumstances that look NOTHING like they did 6 months ago.
I am the most un-motivated person ever right now. No thanks to the holidays. I really cant get this truth in my mind: “We are saved by grace ALONE. Through faith ALONE. And the faith to believe in that grace is given to us by God so that NOBODY has ANYTHING to boast about except for GOD. It means that salvation belongs to God and that you by your behavior cannot save yourself. You doing these things and not doing these things does not magically give you right-standing before God. If you will stand holy before God, it will require an act of God and praise His name on the cross, He did it. It is by Christ’s merit alone that we can stand holy before God. We ONLY have the blood of Christ to plead before God. This absolutely frees you up to pursue God whole heartedly.”
My actions do not display a real deep deep belief in this truth that I do not have to earn my right standing before God. I am so accustomed to performance based faith that it is so hard for me to understand unconditional love. This gets reflected all too often in my personal life. I am trying very hard to love like Christ loves. But the prayer that God would show me how to love like He loves is a hard prayer to pray. Especially when you know first hand what it feels like to LOVE your heart out and get nothing in return. Its gut wrenching. And yet this is how God loves me. It is my PRIVELEDGE to love others the same way.
Its still baffling to me that the God of the Universe is in relentless pursuit of me regardless of my response. That frustrates me. And at the same time it brings me to my knees in absolute awe and worship of a God who possesses and gives perfect love. I cannot fathom this kind of love, especially in a world that makes love always seem so conditional. I physically FEEL bad when I do not spend an adequate amount of time with the Lord on a daily basis. I am dry and empty and irritable and antsy. I need God all day every day and I need TIME with Him just us two. Shocking that I am just now coming to this conclusion. A tiny glimpse at the idiocy of my heart.
Seeing that the above paragraph has not been fulfilled this week, I am really pessimistic. God save me from myself. I am blown away with thankfulness for the people that God has placed in my life. My family consists of 7 of my favorite people in the world. But we are messed up. Oh we are such a beautiful disaster, a team made up of tragically broken people. I kid you not, we are a bunch of wack jobs. We have stints with major sins running through the veins of each of us, but together we are GOOD. Brittney, Carson, my mom, and I sat on her bed last night and talked about life and God for hours last night. We came to the conclusion that life is hard and God is good. Regardless of circumstance and even when life does not make any sense. And as I sat around a dining table laughing and talking with these 7 broken people who LOVE our God I was overwhelmed with gratefulness to the God who divinely designed and placed each of us here.
On top of the magnificent seven, I have friends that love me with the love of Christ. I do not have a huge quantity of friends but my core group are QUALITY. It matters. Sarah Nash, my newfound YWAM friend from Australia encourages me like God encourages me. She LISTENS to me and asks questions. She seems very interested in everything I say, then validates my emotions, and offers her opinion, even when it differs from what I think. She PUSHES me towards the cross, and the reason I love our friendship so much is that it is a beautiful reflection of what my relationship with God looks like. Three other YWAM girls I could echo this praise. I can tear up at the mercy God has show me and lavished blessings on me through my 6 months in Denver/Panama/Costa Rica. Megan Templin is another prime example of the Lord’s love for me. Our relationship shows me that God is GOOD and that He loves me. I love God more for creating Megan and am beyond blessed that I get to call her my best friend. And of course Becca Feagin shows me that God loves me enough that He cannot leave me where I am. That I need progressive sanctification CONSTANTLY. Becca loves me HARD and loves me in a way that hurts sometimes, but ALWAYS leads me into a deeper appreciation of who God is and how merciful He is. I am seriously tearing up. I sometimes take for granted the wonderful relationships that I get to call my own.
My WICKED heart can sometimes disregard all of the blessings that I am so eternally grateful for just because one relationship is strained. My thoughts so quickly try and dwell on what is wrong, what hurts, and what isn’t easy before it wanders to what is easy. And me being analytical, I will make myself miserable trying to fix whatever problem is haunting me for the hour. I say hour because it can change within sixty minutes. I am so up and down and that makes me feel unstable. I do not like not being in control.
Anyways this is my apology to the God who loves me and sends me things and relationships to better me regardless of the occasional pain that they bring me. Taking time to sit and think of all that I am thankful for is something good I have to say for this November holiday. I want to love God more than I do. But there are parts of my heart that I do not always want to submit to him. I want more God. I long for it. The fact that I am not consumed with idolatry in the form of co-dependency is BIZARRE. I don’t know how to explain it. I cried MULTIPLE times throughout outreach because of my heart acknowledging its freedom from the sin that owned me for so very long.
There is no explanation of how I got to a point of freedom outside of the GRACE and MERCY of God. I didn’t know what it felt like to be free. And here I am walking in some degree of freedom. Oh our God is so good, so massively powerful, so gloriously triumphant over sin! Sin has no power over us anymore. Hallelujah. I am tired. My last thought of the night concludes with exhaustion. Sorry for the maze through my head. Honesty though, is another thing that I have become very acquainted with lately. So honestly….Im not THAT sorry. And honestly God is the reason I can be thankful for anything. God has provided. God has given and taken away, praise be the name of the Lord. I am thankful for HIS grace, HIS mercy, HIS love. And a lot of times in my life those things have manifested in family, friendships, food, music, and sunshine. So thankful tonight.
Since being back in the States, I look at things differently. I look at relationships differently. I look at my money and what I spend it on differently. I look at my struggles differently. In retrospect, I don’t think any of these things are different but on the contrary…I am different. I am the thing that has changed. I came back to everything and everyone being as they were before I left. And yet here I am in many circumstances that look NOTHING like they did 6 months ago.
I am the most un-motivated person ever right now. No thanks to the holidays. I really cant get this truth in my mind: “We are saved by grace ALONE. Through faith ALONE. And the faith to believe in that grace is given to us by God so that NOBODY has ANYTHING to boast about except for GOD. It means that salvation belongs to God and that you by your behavior cannot save yourself. You doing these things and not doing these things does not magically give you right-standing before God. If you will stand holy before God, it will require an act of God and praise His name on the cross, He did it. It is by Christ’s merit alone that we can stand holy before God. We ONLY have the blood of Christ to plead before God. This absolutely frees you up to pursue God whole heartedly.”
My actions do not display a real deep deep belief in this truth that I do not have to earn my right standing before God. I am so accustomed to performance based faith that it is so hard for me to understand unconditional love. This gets reflected all too often in my personal life. I am trying very hard to love like Christ loves. But the prayer that God would show me how to love like He loves is a hard prayer to pray. Especially when you know first hand what it feels like to LOVE your heart out and get nothing in return. Its gut wrenching. And yet this is how God loves me. It is my PRIVELEDGE to love others the same way.
Its still baffling to me that the God of the Universe is in relentless pursuit of me regardless of my response. That frustrates me. And at the same time it brings me to my knees in absolute awe and worship of a God who possesses and gives perfect love. I cannot fathom this kind of love, especially in a world that makes love always seem so conditional. I physically FEEL bad when I do not spend an adequate amount of time with the Lord on a daily basis. I am dry and empty and irritable and antsy. I need God all day every day and I need TIME with Him just us two. Shocking that I am just now coming to this conclusion. A tiny glimpse at the idiocy of my heart.
Seeing that the above paragraph has not been fulfilled this week, I am really pessimistic. God save me from myself. I am blown away with thankfulness for the people that God has placed in my life. My family consists of 7 of my favorite people in the world. But we are messed up. Oh we are such a beautiful disaster, a team made up of tragically broken people. I kid you not, we are a bunch of wack jobs. We have stints with major sins running through the veins of each of us, but together we are GOOD. Brittney, Carson, my mom, and I sat on her bed last night and talked about life and God for hours last night. We came to the conclusion that life is hard and God is good. Regardless of circumstance and even when life does not make any sense. And as I sat around a dining table laughing and talking with these 7 broken people who LOVE our God I was overwhelmed with gratefulness to the God who divinely designed and placed each of us here.
On top of the magnificent seven, I have friends that love me with the love of Christ. I do not have a huge quantity of friends but my core group are QUALITY. It matters. Sarah Nash, my newfound YWAM friend from Australia encourages me like God encourages me. She LISTENS to me and asks questions. She seems very interested in everything I say, then validates my emotions, and offers her opinion, even when it differs from what I think. She PUSHES me towards the cross, and the reason I love our friendship so much is that it is a beautiful reflection of what my relationship with God looks like. Three other YWAM girls I could echo this praise. I can tear up at the mercy God has show me and lavished blessings on me through my 6 months in Denver/Panama/Costa Rica. Megan Templin is another prime example of the Lord’s love for me. Our relationship shows me that God is GOOD and that He loves me. I love God more for creating Megan and am beyond blessed that I get to call her my best friend. And of course Becca Feagin shows me that God loves me enough that He cannot leave me where I am. That I need progressive sanctification CONSTANTLY. Becca loves me HARD and loves me in a way that hurts sometimes, but ALWAYS leads me into a deeper appreciation of who God is and how merciful He is. I am seriously tearing up. I sometimes take for granted the wonderful relationships that I get to call my own.
My WICKED heart can sometimes disregard all of the blessings that I am so eternally grateful for just because one relationship is strained. My thoughts so quickly try and dwell on what is wrong, what hurts, and what isn’t easy before it wanders to what is easy. And me being analytical, I will make myself miserable trying to fix whatever problem is haunting me for the hour. I say hour because it can change within sixty minutes. I am so up and down and that makes me feel unstable. I do not like not being in control.
Anyways this is my apology to the God who loves me and sends me things and relationships to better me regardless of the occasional pain that they bring me. Taking time to sit and think of all that I am thankful for is something good I have to say for this November holiday. I want to love God more than I do. But there are parts of my heart that I do not always want to submit to him. I want more God. I long for it. The fact that I am not consumed with idolatry in the form of co-dependency is BIZARRE. I don’t know how to explain it. I cried MULTIPLE times throughout outreach because of my heart acknowledging its freedom from the sin that owned me for so very long.
There is no explanation of how I got to a point of freedom outside of the GRACE and MERCY of God. I didn’t know what it felt like to be free. And here I am walking in some degree of freedom. Oh our God is so good, so massively powerful, so gloriously triumphant over sin! Sin has no power over us anymore. Hallelujah. I am tired. My last thought of the night concludes with exhaustion. Sorry for the maze through my head. Honesty though, is another thing that I have become very acquainted with lately. So honestly….Im not THAT sorry. And honestly God is the reason I can be thankful for anything. God has provided. God has given and taken away, praise be the name of the Lord. I am thankful for HIS grace, HIS mercy, HIS love. And a lot of times in my life those things have manifested in family, friendships, food, music, and sunshine. So thankful tonight.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Put Your Hope In God
It has come to my attention that I have no idea what I am doing with my life after YWAM. Scary? Exciting? EEK.
What I do know is that God has a sovereign, perfectly timed, hidden plan that is PERFECT for me! Maybe I will be a snowboard instructor at Breckinridge or Vail? I really have no idea what I even want to do, which is frustrating.
As far as the WHERE: I really LOVE Colorado. But life is about relationships--not places, and I really don't know where to put that in my head as far as how it applies to my plan (that God will likely wreck). I want to eventually be close to my family...I would prefer that THEY come to ME in the mountains. I know that there is always an opportunity to find NEW best friends but right now it just seems like everyone that I really love is in Texas.
And as far as WHAT I am supposed to do, that is a whole other story. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. Here I am, 22 years old and still NO idea what I want to "be when I grow up". I know which passions God has placed in my heart, and I want to use those alongside the gifts He has blessed me with to further His Kingdom. What job title is that? No idea. So I am just praying that God makes it blatantly obvious what my next step is.
I'd love you to join me in that prayer. Today I have mixed emotions. I miss home and community and friends. I long for the holidays with my whole family at home eating mass amounts of Grandmommy's food. I want to be warm and snuggly and for it to not really be all that cold outside. I miss comfort. At the same time I take a step back and realize that I am doing EXACTLY what I want to do. I am living my dream. I moved to Denver to learn about Jesus and go overseas. I THINK I am walking in obedience to Christ and trying to make sense of this crazy thing called life. I am wildly happy. I am on a constant adventure, which is everything I want.
To conclude: I have clashing emotions. I feel so lucky, and so surrounded by community and then at the same time I feel alone and very tired. My emotions are so inconsistent. Thank God I don't have to rely on them for truth. My truth would be a big catastrophe if that was the case. Today I find myself saying Davids coined statement "Why so downcast, oh my soul!? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God!" One of those times where I just need to get on my face and ask God to rule my mind in truth. I know there is a reason why I am here. He didn't bother assigning this adventure to a light-weight. By God, I am a fighter and I refuse to wallow in pity, because I know that when I cry out to Him some ten thousand angels join me in a chorus to worship our King. So that's where I am at. Fighting my flesh with Spirit as usual. This day WILL NOT go to the enemy.
As far as the WHERE: I really LOVE Colorado. But life is about relationships--not places, and I really don't know where to put that in my head as far as how it applies to my plan (that God will likely wreck). I want to eventually be close to my family...I would prefer that THEY come to ME in the mountains. I know that there is always an opportunity to find NEW best friends but right now it just seems like everyone that I really love is in Texas.
And as far as WHAT I am supposed to do, that is a whole other story. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. Here I am, 22 years old and still NO idea what I want to "be when I grow up". I know which passions God has placed in my heart, and I want to use those alongside the gifts He has blessed me with to further His Kingdom. What job title is that? No idea. So I am just praying that God makes it blatantly obvious what my next step is.
I'd love you to join me in that prayer. Today I have mixed emotions. I miss home and community and friends. I long for the holidays with my whole family at home eating mass amounts of Grandmommy's food. I want to be warm and snuggly and for it to not really be all that cold outside. I miss comfort. At the same time I take a step back and realize that I am doing EXACTLY what I want to do. I am living my dream. I moved to Denver to learn about Jesus and go overseas. I THINK I am walking in obedience to Christ and trying to make sense of this crazy thing called life. I am wildly happy. I am on a constant adventure, which is everything I want.
To conclude: I have clashing emotions. I feel so lucky, and so surrounded by community and then at the same time I feel alone and very tired. My emotions are so inconsistent. Thank God I don't have to rely on them for truth. My truth would be a big catastrophe if that was the case. Today I find myself saying Davids coined statement "Why so downcast, oh my soul!? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God!" One of those times where I just need to get on my face and ask God to rule my mind in truth. I know there is a reason why I am here. He didn't bother assigning this adventure to a light-weight. By God, I am a fighter and I refuse to wallow in pity, because I know that when I cry out to Him some ten thousand angels join me in a chorus to worship our King. So that's where I am at. Fighting my flesh with Spirit as usual. This day WILL NOT go to the enemy.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
This I Know, For The Bible Tells Me So
I am currently in what I like to call a “pity me” mode. Fiona Gifford, the one person who I would literally move anywhere in the world to be mentored by, told me that our ears need to hear our mouths speak truth and our eyes need to see it written. Seems like thanks to Fiona and the help of my closest sources of accountability that God is asking me to speak truth into myself. Especially seeing that I am presumably at a weak place. My least favorite and first step is telling God how I really feel and admitting the sin and wickedness of my own heart, acknowledging that I have again fallen short of His glory. Usually this is the time to go ahead and announce that I still have strands of idolatry in my heart that desperately need redeeming. A feat only God can accomplish.
So tonight I am admitting straight up that I am not worthy of my place in the kingdom, and only thanks to Jesus Christ can I stand blameless before the throne. I am saying out loud that there are things and people that I love more than I love the God who created me; that my rebellious heart still pleads for the things of this world to attempt to fill its void, although my rational mind knows better. Yet my heart often wins the war as I try again and again to cram relationships and everything else into the gaping hole that never loses its appetite for more, and is never satisfied.
David Marvin gave a talk one summer at Kanakuk about self examination and its painful process. Oh how I wish I could look away from the mirror that I must look in. I wish that I could go on living in sweet oblivion and pushing all my problems to the side, sweeping them under the rug. But then you have a lumpy rug and you eventually trip and fall down. So thanks to that lumpy rug reasoning, and the fact that I am ABSOLUTELY a dweller, I instead am forced to deal with my emotions at face value and here is where I get really thankful for a perfect God.
Isaiah 55:8-9 says “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my thoughts higher than your thoughts and my ways higher than your ways.”
WELL PRAISE THE LIVING GOD. The bible commands us over and over again to renew our minds. What does that even mean? Like I wish God would just zap me from the heavens and I would automatically be holy and function in a manner only worthy of Christ. Seriously, lightning bolt into my head and make me Godly. For some reason I dont think it works that way, and Fiona says that we are responsible for our own thoughts. It is our responsibility to capture sinful thoughts, rebuke lies, and replace them with what is true and of God. God never condemns but only convicts. And if our thoughts are not in sync with the thoughts of God, they are not worthwhile to dwell on. So me, being a dweller (as Brittney is so faithful to remind me), I have to choose to dwell only on things that hold absolute truth. So LETS DO THIS.
Here is what I absolutely KNOW:
I know that I have a God who loves me.
I have a belief system where I can have absolute certainty of my salvation. My sole purpose is to bring glory to the Almighty God.
I know that I have eternal security.
I know where I am going and its GOOD. The end of this story turns out very well, and for this I am thankful that the world and its depravity is the only hell that I will ever have to experience. ("He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4)
I know that there is nothing I can do to make my God love me any more or any less than He does at this moment. There is no failure or disaster than can shake his love for me.
I know that every day is a new day, and every act of repentance is a new beginning.
I know that Jesus Christ died for me, for the atonement of my sins, providing the entirety of my belief system.
I know that He rose from the dead, is seated at the right hand of God, and He is coming again. OH GLORIOUS DAY. I know that the Holy Spirit enables me to be different than I used to be. He IS renewing my mind and slowly walking me through both victories and failures, molding me.
I know that I will be different tomorrow thanks to the promised progressive sanctification of the Lord.
I know that God speaks to me through the scriptures, through music, through His still soft voice.
I know that he longs to speak to me and guide my footsteps.
I know that His words are like living water and serve as constant affirmation, the only kind that really fills me up.
I know that I have a family who loves me, adores me. A support system of seven lunatics who will stand by my side no matter what, through think and thin. Who will help keep me busy when I cant get control of my own thoughts (insanityyyy). And all who serve the same victorious God. To get specific
I know that I have a sister who is the best person in the world and who gives me the BEST advice, even if most of the time its to “chill out” and not worry so much. Brittney keeps me on my toes and loves me the way Christ calls each of us to love.
I know that I have a brother who is my hero and is setting an example with his life that I love and respect more than he will ever know. Carson is my hero.
I know that I have friends that are absolutely the icing on the cake in this life. I have accountability like none other and friends that will love me through my craziness. I have new friends and old friends and mostly small friends actually. I have some friends from kamps and some from college and some from when I was 10 years old. I have friends that push me towards the cross.
I know that I can call them when I am in a frenzy and they will speak life into me and not death.
I know that I can rely on them through all the storms of life.
I know that I am healthy and have no serious ailments.
I am blessed.
I know that God will be faithful to complete the good work he started in me. (Philippeans 1:6)
I know that God has a plan for my life to prosper me and not to harm me. (Jeremiah 29:11) I know that He is in control at all times in every situation regardless of how it looks/feels.
I know that the God of the Universe is in relentless pursuit of me regardless of me completely.
Knowing and living truth must be synonymous. Obedience is a reflection of how well we know our Creator. God can be included and reign sovereign over our rationale, reasoning, and thoughts. We, being created in the image of Him, are but an echo of the living God. So tonight, once again I am choosing joy. Here is one reason why:
Because I am sitting in the room that I share with my little brother. He has his shirt off while he is studying so he can glance at his newly developed muscles from time to time in the mirror. I giggle at him and admire him. He just told me a story for 10 minutes about how he can talk his way out of bad grades sometimes, and that’s why its okay that he didn’t start studying until AFTER we watched 3 episodes of Criminal Minds. I get to spend an entire month with this boy who I love all the way down to my toes. This boy calls me his big sister and I found him in my bed when I walked in tonight, ready to snuggle me. So tonight the truth of the matter is that I am blessed. So stinkin blessed that its too much for my little heart to take in. In this moment I know that truth from the Lord overrides any lies of insecurity that the enemy has whispered in my ear all day long.
This is the excerpt of a blog post of a girl I don’t know, but she’s spot on (Thanks MT):
“I think this is a life-long season, and having a renewed mind is a full-time job. I can't afford to be lackadaisical about it. Its amazing how the more I clear out of my head that isn't of God, the more open space He has to fill with things that are of God. And the best news is, God doesn't hold grudges. So if one day I'm really bad at renewing my mind, we're still on speaking terms the next morning, and He is just as willing, wanting, that I might have the mind of Christ.”
I LOVE THAT. I love that even when we suck BAD, we can start the next day again anew, with a loving, patient God who is not holding a grudge at our past failures. Oh if I could even fathom a love like His. The more and more I come to terms with the way that God really loves me, I look at life differently. The gospel, when understood, absolutely changes you. It rocks me to my core. Because I can find my emotional security in this God, in Christ's achievement for me, I can admit my wrongs and weaknesses without feeling deflated.
"...you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind and put on the new self which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." Ephesians 4:22-24
See? Already I am out of pity me mode and into: 'OH God thank you so much' mode. Speak truth. Rebuke lies. Enjoy life people. Enjoy the ups and downs and the good times and bad. Drink it in, because we are but the morning dew, here today and gone today. So buckle up and choose joy. Not to mention, a calm sea isnt the goal in life...it's the excpetion. God makes waves. Us too.
So tonight I am admitting straight up that I am not worthy of my place in the kingdom, and only thanks to Jesus Christ can I stand blameless before the throne. I am saying out loud that there are things and people that I love more than I love the God who created me; that my rebellious heart still pleads for the things of this world to attempt to fill its void, although my rational mind knows better. Yet my heart often wins the war as I try again and again to cram relationships and everything else into the gaping hole that never loses its appetite for more, and is never satisfied.
David Marvin gave a talk one summer at Kanakuk about self examination and its painful process. Oh how I wish I could look away from the mirror that I must look in. I wish that I could go on living in sweet oblivion and pushing all my problems to the side, sweeping them under the rug. But then you have a lumpy rug and you eventually trip and fall down. So thanks to that lumpy rug reasoning, and the fact that I am ABSOLUTELY a dweller, I instead am forced to deal with my emotions at face value and here is where I get really thankful for a perfect God.
Isaiah 55:8-9 says “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my thoughts higher than your thoughts and my ways higher than your ways.”
WELL PRAISE THE LIVING GOD. The bible commands us over and over again to renew our minds. What does that even mean? Like I wish God would just zap me from the heavens and I would automatically be holy and function in a manner only worthy of Christ. Seriously, lightning bolt into my head and make me Godly. For some reason I dont think it works that way, and Fiona says that we are responsible for our own thoughts. It is our responsibility to capture sinful thoughts, rebuke lies, and replace them with what is true and of God. God never condemns but only convicts. And if our thoughts are not in sync with the thoughts of God, they are not worthwhile to dwell on. So me, being a dweller (as Brittney is so faithful to remind me), I have to choose to dwell only on things that hold absolute truth. So LETS DO THIS.
Here is what I absolutely KNOW:
I know that I have a God who loves me.
I have a belief system where I can have absolute certainty of my salvation. My sole purpose is to bring glory to the Almighty God.
I know that I have eternal security.
I know where I am going and its GOOD. The end of this story turns out very well, and for this I am thankful that the world and its depravity is the only hell that I will ever have to experience. ("He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4)
I know that there is nothing I can do to make my God love me any more or any less than He does at this moment. There is no failure or disaster than can shake his love for me.
I know that every day is a new day, and every act of repentance is a new beginning.
I know that Jesus Christ died for me, for the atonement of my sins, providing the entirety of my belief system.
I know that He rose from the dead, is seated at the right hand of God, and He is coming again. OH GLORIOUS DAY. I know that the Holy Spirit enables me to be different than I used to be. He IS renewing my mind and slowly walking me through both victories and failures, molding me.
I know that I will be different tomorrow thanks to the promised progressive sanctification of the Lord.
I know that God speaks to me through the scriptures, through music, through His still soft voice.
I know that he longs to speak to me and guide my footsteps.
I know that His words are like living water and serve as constant affirmation, the only kind that really fills me up.
I know that I have a family who loves me, adores me. A support system of seven lunatics who will stand by my side no matter what, through think and thin. Who will help keep me busy when I cant get control of my own thoughts (insanityyyy). And all who serve the same victorious God. To get specific
I know that I have a sister who is the best person in the world and who gives me the BEST advice, even if most of the time its to “chill out” and not worry so much. Brittney keeps me on my toes and loves me the way Christ calls each of us to love.
I know that I have a brother who is my hero and is setting an example with his life that I love and respect more than he will ever know. Carson is my hero.
I know that I have friends that are absolutely the icing on the cake in this life. I have accountability like none other and friends that will love me through my craziness. I have new friends and old friends and mostly small friends actually. I have some friends from kamps and some from college and some from when I was 10 years old. I have friends that push me towards the cross.
I know that I can call them when I am in a frenzy and they will speak life into me and not death.
I know that I can rely on them through all the storms of life.
I know that I am healthy and have no serious ailments.
I am blessed.
I know that God will be faithful to complete the good work he started in me. (Philippeans 1:6)
I know that God has a plan for my life to prosper me and not to harm me. (Jeremiah 29:11) I know that He is in control at all times in every situation regardless of how it looks/feels.
I know that the God of the Universe is in relentless pursuit of me regardless of me completely.
Knowing and living truth must be synonymous. Obedience is a reflection of how well we know our Creator. God can be included and reign sovereign over our rationale, reasoning, and thoughts. We, being created in the image of Him, are but an echo of the living God. So tonight, once again I am choosing joy. Here is one reason why:
Because I am sitting in the room that I share with my little brother. He has his shirt off while he is studying so he can glance at his newly developed muscles from time to time in the mirror. I giggle at him and admire him. He just told me a story for 10 minutes about how he can talk his way out of bad grades sometimes, and that’s why its okay that he didn’t start studying until AFTER we watched 3 episodes of Criminal Minds. I get to spend an entire month with this boy who I love all the way down to my toes. This boy calls me his big sister and I found him in my bed when I walked in tonight, ready to snuggle me. So tonight the truth of the matter is that I am blessed. So stinkin blessed that its too much for my little heart to take in. In this moment I know that truth from the Lord overrides any lies of insecurity that the enemy has whispered in my ear all day long.
This is the excerpt of a blog post of a girl I don’t know, but she’s spot on (Thanks MT):
“I think this is a life-long season, and having a renewed mind is a full-time job. I can't afford to be lackadaisical about it. Its amazing how the more I clear out of my head that isn't of God, the more open space He has to fill with things that are of God. And the best news is, God doesn't hold grudges. So if one day I'm really bad at renewing my mind, we're still on speaking terms the next morning, and He is just as willing, wanting, that I might have the mind of Christ.”
I LOVE THAT. I love that even when we suck BAD, we can start the next day again anew, with a loving, patient God who is not holding a grudge at our past failures. Oh if I could even fathom a love like His. The more and more I come to terms with the way that God really loves me, I look at life differently. The gospel, when understood, absolutely changes you. It rocks me to my core. Because I can find my emotional security in this God, in Christ's achievement for me, I can admit my wrongs and weaknesses without feeling deflated.
"...you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind and put on the new self which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." Ephesians 4:22-24
See? Already I am out of pity me mode and into: 'OH God thank you so much' mode. Speak truth. Rebuke lies. Enjoy life people. Enjoy the ups and downs and the good times and bad. Drink it in, because we are but the morning dew, here today and gone today. So buckle up and choose joy. Not to mention, a calm sea isnt the goal in life...it's the excpetion. God makes waves. Us too.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
I Could Listen Forever
Music is one thing that I think proves the existence of a divine creator God. Music in its shear beauty has the ability to completely reconstruct a down day, move me to tears, and convict my heart all at the same time. I am a sucker for good lyrics, and can just get sent overboard on a good melody with some meaningful truths keeping its rhythm. Music gets me through some days. Lyrics affirm and validate my emotions. Its like when I listen to good music, I start craving its source. I crave more of its sound, I want it to fill me and flow through me. And yet the music is not what I crave, but only an indicator of something greater. I want to experience music in a way that my human body prevents me from doing. I think that when we get to spend eternity with God we will get to taste, see, smell, touch, AND hear music in all of its rhythmic perfection. We will probably experience in many more ways than we can even imagine. A blissful epitome of a paradise that we cannot even imagine.
C.S. Lewis puts it nicely. "The books or the music in which we thought beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it [beauty] was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing stirred up within us. These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past, the music—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."
Oh how I long for the creator of something as beautiful as music. I long to meet it's author; the musical, lyrical, genius who never runs out of words, and is limited by nothing. The echos of what my heart desires are overwhelming.
C.S. Lewis puts it nicely. "The books or the music in which we thought beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it [beauty] was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing stirred up within us. These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past, the music—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."
Oh how I long for the creator of something as beautiful as music. I long to meet it's author; the musical, lyrical, genius who never runs out of words, and is limited by nothing. The echos of what my heart desires are overwhelming.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Rhythm and Baby Steps
This week I have realized something extraordinary. I am not the same as I was even 3 months ago. God is redeeming me, progressively sanctifying me. It’s actually happening! This shouldn’t shock me, but it DOES…it places AWE within me of God’s goodness and faithfulness to complete the good work that He started in me. I am experiencing what me and Becks lovingly refer to as momentary victories that lead to hourly victories that lead to daily victories that lead to weekly and monthly victories. (Quoted from the infamous Beth Moore)
I am by no means past struggling. That is something that I will never claim as truth while here on earth. This is a daily fight. But I am taking steps! Little, tiny, baby steps!! And my Father in heaven is smiling, prompting, cheering for me - His beloved - as I take wobbly uncoordinated steps in His direction. But oh I am learning to celebrate these stumbles towards the Living God who loved me first. Oh Lord how gracious You are for Your unfailing love that picks me up when I fall, wipes my tears, and in time, helps me walk again.
I know that things will not always be this way, but as of now I have a community around me that is very supportive. I love my team that will be accompanying me to Central America in a mere 10 days. Even further than the 12, I have two girls here at YWAM that love me WELL. They are each so different, but we have decided to do this stinkin’ vulnerability thing together and it is actually good! (Sometimes…and other times it hurts, but in a good way) That attempt at vulnerability is a tiny baby step. But baby steps get us closer to CHRIST!! We have had so many funny moments where we give up our cell phones or go on a walk together to keep me from my boredom depression phenomena. Or sometimes its just a vent session, ending in prayer. And we are taking baby steps together. It’s so painfully, awesomely good.
And let me just say, I still fall down. Big time. And it hurts, and I am pissed at myself. But slowly I am learning to look to my Father when I am at my worst and cry out for help, instead of running from Him to try and fix myself. Slowly I am discovering that I never succeed in that feat.
This morning during class we watched a video about learning the rhythm to the tune of a relationship with the Living God. We try too often to make God, and a relationship with Him, to be this complicated, almost mystical thing. But this relational God is intricately involved in every part of our lives. Donald Miller describes this process as a dance, to learn to dance with God. Rob Bell explains it like a song, learning to hear and play the tune of the song of Christ. It’s the same beautiful, painful concept of a God who has orchestrated this world with a rhythm that is written on each of our hearts.
I think the most often used word here at YWAM is "PROCESS". Talk about the most frustrating word in the English language. As we live and breathe in this Microwave Generation, full of instant gratification, the idea that something that takes hard work over a long period of time is outright discouraging. But this whole thing called progressive sanctification, IS A PROCESS. Like it or not. But then again, if we don't struggle through a process, we do not get to experience first hand the mercy and GRACE of God. And also this painful glorious process makes us relatable to others. People like to see that other people struggle too, it makes us feel like we aren't alone. I remember last summer, while talking to Savannah on one of our hundred porch talks, we kept saying how comforting it was that we WERE NOT ALONE.
Anyways so back to the process. I am learning to enjoy it. Learning to laugh at my mistakes, rejoice in my tiny momentary victories. Because that's what God does. When we see that God LOVES US, when we see that He looks down at us and loves our quirks and laughs with us and cries with us...we can finally walk in some kind of freedom, and learn to ENJOY the process of this dance, the rhythm of the Living God.
I am by no means past struggling. That is something that I will never claim as truth while here on earth. This is a daily fight. But I am taking steps! Little, tiny, baby steps!! And my Father in heaven is smiling, prompting, cheering for me - His beloved - as I take wobbly uncoordinated steps in His direction. But oh I am learning to celebrate these stumbles towards the Living God who loved me first. Oh Lord how gracious You are for Your unfailing love that picks me up when I fall, wipes my tears, and in time, helps me walk again.
I know that things will not always be this way, but as of now I have a community around me that is very supportive. I love my team that will be accompanying me to Central America in a mere 10 days. Even further than the 12, I have two girls here at YWAM that love me WELL. They are each so different, but we have decided to do this stinkin’ vulnerability thing together and it is actually good! (Sometimes…and other times it hurts, but in a good way) That attempt at vulnerability is a tiny baby step. But baby steps get us closer to CHRIST!! We have had so many funny moments where we give up our cell phones or go on a walk together to keep me from my boredom depression phenomena. Or sometimes its just a vent session, ending in prayer. And we are taking baby steps together. It’s so painfully, awesomely good.
And let me just say, I still fall down. Big time. And it hurts, and I am pissed at myself. But slowly I am learning to look to my Father when I am at my worst and cry out for help, instead of running from Him to try and fix myself. Slowly I am discovering that I never succeed in that feat.
This morning during class we watched a video about learning the rhythm to the tune of a relationship with the Living God. We try too often to make God, and a relationship with Him, to be this complicated, almost mystical thing. But this relational God is intricately involved in every part of our lives. Donald Miller describes this process as a dance, to learn to dance with God. Rob Bell explains it like a song, learning to hear and play the tune of the song of Christ. It’s the same beautiful, painful concept of a God who has orchestrated this world with a rhythm that is written on each of our hearts.
I think the most often used word here at YWAM is "PROCESS". Talk about the most frustrating word in the English language. As we live and breathe in this Microwave Generation, full of instant gratification, the idea that something that takes hard work over a long period of time is outright discouraging. But this whole thing called progressive sanctification, IS A PROCESS. Like it or not. But then again, if we don't struggle through a process, we do not get to experience first hand the mercy and GRACE of God. And also this painful glorious process makes us relatable to others. People like to see that other people struggle too, it makes us feel like we aren't alone. I remember last summer, while talking to Savannah on one of our hundred porch talks, we kept saying how comforting it was that we WERE NOT ALONE.
Anyways so back to the process. I am learning to enjoy it. Learning to laugh at my mistakes, rejoice in my tiny momentary victories. Because that's what God does. When we see that God LOVES US, when we see that He looks down at us and loves our quirks and laughs with us and cries with us...we can finally walk in some kind of freedom, and learn to ENJOY the process of this dance, the rhythm of the Living God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)