I am not sure how to get words onto paper. My thoughts are not comprehendible and the thought of picking one from the canvas of my heart and mind seems about as daunting as picking out the banana from a strawberry pineapple banana smoothie like the ones we had so often in Costa Rica. So as I extract random thoughts from the blender of a brain that I have, please forgive the randomness. And welcome once again to my chaotic anarchy.
Since being back in the States, I look at things differently. I look at relationships differently. I look at my money and what I spend it on differently. I look at my struggles differently. In retrospect, I don’t think any of these things are different but on the contrary…I am different. I am the thing that has changed. I came back to everything and everyone being as they were before I left. And yet here I am in many circumstances that look NOTHING like they did 6 months ago.
I am the most un-motivated person ever right now. No thanks to the holidays.
I really cant get this truth in my mind: “We are saved by grace ALONE. Through faith ALONE. And the faith to believe in that grace is given to us by God so that NOBODY has ANYTHING to boast about except for GOD. It means that salvation belongs to God and that you by your behavior cannot save yourself. You doing these things and not doing these things does not magically give you right-standing before God. If you will stand holy before God, it will require an act of God and praise His name on the cross, He did it. It is by Christ’s merit alone that we can stand holy before God. We ONLY have the blood of Christ to plead before God. This absolutely frees you up to pursue God whole heartedly.”
My actions do not display a real deep deep belief in this truth that I do not have to earn my right standing before God.
I am so accustomed to performance based faith that it is so hard for me to understand unconditional love. This gets reflected all too often in my personal life. I am trying very hard to love like Christ loves. But the prayer that God would show me how to love like He loves is a hard prayer to pray. Especially when you know first hand what it feels like to LOVE your heart out and get nothing in return. Its gut wrenching. And yet this is how God loves me. It is my PRIVELEDGE to love others the same way.
Its still baffling to me that the God of the Universe is in relentless pursuit of me regardless of my response. That frustrates me. And at the same time it brings me to my knees in absolute awe and worship of a God who possesses and gives perfect love. I cannot fathom this kind of love, especially in a world that makes love always seem so conditional.
I physically FEEL bad when I do not spend an adequate amount of time with the Lord on a daily basis. I am dry and empty and irritable and antsy. I need God all day every day and I need TIME with Him just us two. Shocking that I am just now coming to this conclusion. A tiny glimpse at the idiocy of my heart.
Seeing that the above paragraph has not been fulfilled this week, I am really pessimistic. God save me from myself.
I am blown away with thankfulness for the people that God has placed in my life. My family consists of 7 of my favorite people in the world. But we are messed up. Oh we are such a beautiful disaster, a team made up of tragically broken people. I kid you not, we are a bunch of wack jobs. We have stints with major sins running through the veins of each of us, but together we are GOOD. Brittney, Carson, my mom, and I sat on her bed last night and talked about life and God for hours last night. We came to the conclusion that life is hard and God is good. Regardless of circumstance and even when life does not make any sense. And as I sat around a dining table laughing and talking with these 7 broken people who LOVE our God I was overwhelmed with gratefulness to the God who divinely designed and placed each of us here.
On top of the magnificent seven, I have friends that love me with the love of Christ. I do not have a huge quantity of friends but my core group are QUALITY. It matters. Sarah Nash, my newfound YWAM friend from Australia encourages me like God encourages me. She LISTENS to me and asks questions. She seems very interested in everything I say, then validates my emotions, and offers her opinion, even when it differs from what I think. She PUSHES me towards the cross, and the reason I love our friendship so much is that it is a beautiful reflection of what my relationship with God looks like. Three other YWAM girls I could echo this praise. I can tear up at the mercy God has show me and lavished blessings on me through my 6 months in Denver/Panama/Costa Rica. Megan Templin is another prime example of the Lord’s love for me. Our relationship shows me that God is GOOD and that He loves me. I love God more for creating Megan and am beyond blessed that I get to call her my best friend. And of course Becca Feagin shows me that God loves me enough that He cannot leave me where I am. That I need progressive sanctification CONSTANTLY. Becca loves me HARD and loves me in a way that hurts sometimes, but ALWAYS leads me into a deeper appreciation of who God is and how merciful He is. I am seriously tearing up. I sometimes take for granted the wonderful relationships that I get to call my own.
My WICKED heart can sometimes disregard all of the blessings that I am so eternally grateful for just because one relationship is strained. My thoughts so quickly try and dwell on what is wrong, what hurts, and what isn’t easy before it wanders to what is easy. And me being analytical, I will make myself miserable trying to fix whatever problem is haunting me for the hour. I say hour because it can change within sixty minutes. I am so up and down and that makes me feel unstable. I do not like not being in control.
Anyways this is my apology to the God who loves me and sends me things and relationships to better me regardless of the occasional pain that they bring me. Taking time to sit and think of all that I am thankful for is something good I have to say for this November holiday.
I want to love God more than I do. But there are parts of my heart that I do not always want to submit to him. I want more God. I long for it.
The fact that I am not consumed with idolatry in the form of co-dependency is BIZARRE. I don’t know how to explain it. I cried MULTIPLE times throughout outreach because of my heart acknowledging its freedom from the sin that owned me for so very long.
There is no explanation of how I got to a point of freedom outside of the GRACE and MERCY of God. I didn’t know what it felt like to be free. And here I am walking in some degree of freedom. Oh our God is so good, so massively powerful, so gloriously triumphant over sin! Sin has no power over us anymore. Hallelujah.
I am tired. My last thought of the night concludes with exhaustion. Sorry for the maze through my head. Honesty though, is another thing that I have become very acquainted with lately. So honestly….Im not THAT sorry. And honestly God is the reason I can be thankful for anything. God has provided. God has given and taken away, praise be the name of the Lord. I am thankful for HIS grace, HIS mercy, HIS love. And a lot of times in my life those things have manifested in family, friendships, food, music, and sunshine. So thankful tonight.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Put Your Hope In God
It has come to my attention that I have no idea what I am doing with my life after YWAM. Scary? Exciting? EEK.
What I do know is that God has a sovereign, perfectly timed, hidden plan that is PERFECT for me! Maybe I will be a snowboard instructor at Breckinridge or Vail? I really have no idea what I even want to do, which is frustrating.
As far as the WHERE: I really LOVE Colorado. But life is about relationships--not places, and I really don't know where to put that in my head as far as how it applies to my plan (that God will likely wreck). I want to eventually be close to my family...I would prefer that THEY come to ME in the mountains. I know that there is always an opportunity to find NEW best friends but right now it just seems like everyone that I really love is in Texas.
And as far as WHAT I am supposed to do, that is a whole other story. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. Here I am, 22 years old and still NO idea what I want to "be when I grow up". I know which passions God has placed in my heart, and I want to use those alongside the gifts He has blessed me with to further His Kingdom. What job title is that? No idea. So I am just praying that God makes it blatantly obvious what my next step is.
I'd love you to join me in that prayer. Today I have mixed emotions. I miss home and community and friends. I long for the holidays with my whole family at home eating mass amounts of Grandmommy's food. I want to be warm and snuggly and for it to not really be all that cold outside. I miss comfort. At the same time I take a step back and realize that I am doing EXACTLY what I want to do. I am living my dream. I moved to Denver to learn about Jesus and go overseas. I THINK I am walking in obedience to Christ and trying to make sense of this crazy thing called life. I am wildly happy. I am on a constant adventure, which is everything I want.
To conclude: I have clashing emotions. I feel so lucky, and so surrounded by community and then at the same time I feel alone and very tired. My emotions are so inconsistent. Thank God I don't have to rely on them for truth. My truth would be a big catastrophe if that was the case. Today I find myself saying Davids coined statement "Why so downcast, oh my soul!? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God!" One of those times where I just need to get on my face and ask God to rule my mind in truth. I know there is a reason why I am here. He didn't bother assigning this adventure to a light-weight. By God, I am a fighter and I refuse to wallow in pity, because I know that when I cry out to Him some ten thousand angels join me in a chorus to worship our King. So that's where I am at. Fighting my flesh with Spirit as usual. This day WILL NOT go to the enemy.
As far as the WHERE: I really LOVE Colorado. But life is about relationships--not places, and I really don't know where to put that in my head as far as how it applies to my plan (that God will likely wreck). I want to eventually be close to my family...I would prefer that THEY come to ME in the mountains. I know that there is always an opportunity to find NEW best friends but right now it just seems like everyone that I really love is in Texas.
And as far as WHAT I am supposed to do, that is a whole other story. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. Here I am, 22 years old and still NO idea what I want to "be when I grow up". I know which passions God has placed in my heart, and I want to use those alongside the gifts He has blessed me with to further His Kingdom. What job title is that? No idea. So I am just praying that God makes it blatantly obvious what my next step is.
I'd love you to join me in that prayer. Today I have mixed emotions. I miss home and community and friends. I long for the holidays with my whole family at home eating mass amounts of Grandmommy's food. I want to be warm and snuggly and for it to not really be all that cold outside. I miss comfort. At the same time I take a step back and realize that I am doing EXACTLY what I want to do. I am living my dream. I moved to Denver to learn about Jesus and go overseas. I THINK I am walking in obedience to Christ and trying to make sense of this crazy thing called life. I am wildly happy. I am on a constant adventure, which is everything I want.
To conclude: I have clashing emotions. I feel so lucky, and so surrounded by community and then at the same time I feel alone and very tired. My emotions are so inconsistent. Thank God I don't have to rely on them for truth. My truth would be a big catastrophe if that was the case. Today I find myself saying Davids coined statement "Why so downcast, oh my soul!? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God!" One of those times where I just need to get on my face and ask God to rule my mind in truth. I know there is a reason why I am here. He didn't bother assigning this adventure to a light-weight. By God, I am a fighter and I refuse to wallow in pity, because I know that when I cry out to Him some ten thousand angels join me in a chorus to worship our King. So that's where I am at. Fighting my flesh with Spirit as usual. This day WILL NOT go to the enemy.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
This I Know, For The Bible Tells Me So
I am currently in what I like to call a “pity me” mode. Fiona Gifford, the one person who I would literally move anywhere in the world to be mentored by, told me that our ears need to hear our mouths speak truth and our eyes need to see it written. Seems like thanks to Fiona and the help of my closest sources of accountability that God is asking me to speak truth into myself. Especially seeing that I am presumably at a weak place. My least favorite and first step is telling God how I really feel and admitting the sin and wickedness of my own heart, acknowledging that I have again fallen short of His glory. Usually this is the time to go ahead and announce that I still have strands of idolatry in my heart that desperately need redeeming. A feat only God can accomplish.
So tonight I am admitting straight up that I am not worthy of my place in the kingdom, and only thanks to Jesus Christ can I stand blameless before the throne. I am saying out loud that there are things and people that I love more than I love the God who created me; that my rebellious heart still pleads for the things of this world to attempt to fill its void, although my rational mind knows better. Yet my heart often wins the war as I try again and again to cram relationships and everything else into the gaping hole that never loses its appetite for more, and is never satisfied.
David Marvin gave a talk one summer at Kanakuk about self examination and its painful process. Oh how I wish I could look away from the mirror that I must look in. I wish that I could go on living in sweet oblivion and pushing all my problems to the side, sweeping them under the rug. But then you have a lumpy rug and you eventually trip and fall down. So thanks to that lumpy rug reasoning, and the fact that I am ABSOLUTELY a dweller, I instead am forced to deal with my emotions at face value and here is where I get really thankful for a perfect God.
Isaiah 55:8-9 says “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my thoughts higher than your thoughts and my ways higher than your ways.”
WELL PRAISE THE LIVING GOD. The bible commands us over and over again to renew our minds. What does that even mean? Like I wish God would just zap me from the heavens and I would automatically be holy and function in a manner only worthy of Christ. Seriously, lightning bolt into my head and make me Godly. For some reason I dont think it works that way, and Fiona says that we are responsible for our own thoughts. It is our responsibility to capture sinful thoughts, rebuke lies, and replace them with what is true and of God. God never condemns but only convicts. And if our thoughts are not in sync with the thoughts of God, they are not worthwhile to dwell on. So me, being a dweller (as Brittney is so faithful to remind me), I have to choose to dwell only on things that hold absolute truth. So LETS DO THIS.
Here is what I absolutely KNOW:
I know that I have a God who loves me.
I have a belief system where I can have absolute certainty of my salvation. My sole purpose is to bring glory to the Almighty God.
I know that I have eternal security.
I know where I am going and its GOOD. The end of this story turns out very well, and for this I am thankful that the world and its depravity is the only hell that I will ever have to experience. ("He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4)
I know that there is nothing I can do to make my God love me any more or any less than He does at this moment. There is no failure or disaster than can shake his love for me.
I know that every day is a new day, and every act of repentance is a new beginning.
I know that Jesus Christ died for me, for the atonement of my sins, providing the entirety of my belief system.
I know that He rose from the dead, is seated at the right hand of God, and He is coming again. OH GLORIOUS DAY. I know that the Holy Spirit enables me to be different than I used to be. He IS renewing my mind and slowly walking me through both victories and failures, molding me.
I know that I will be different tomorrow thanks to the promised progressive sanctification of the Lord.
I know that God speaks to me through the scriptures, through music, through His still soft voice.
I know that he longs to speak to me and guide my footsteps.
I know that His words are like living water and serve as constant affirmation, the only kind that really fills me up.
I know that I have a family who loves me, adores me. A support system of seven lunatics who will stand by my side no matter what, through think and thin. Who will help keep me busy when I cant get control of my own thoughts (insanityyyy). And all who serve the same victorious God. To get specific
I know that I have a sister who is the best person in the world and who gives me the BEST advice, even if most of the time its to “chill out” and not worry so much. Brittney keeps me on my toes and loves me the way Christ calls each of us to love.
I know that I have a brother who is my hero and is setting an example with his life that I love and respect more than he will ever know. Carson is my hero.
I know that I have friends that are absolutely the icing on the cake in this life. I have accountability like none other and friends that will love me through my craziness. I have new friends and old friends and mostly small friends actually. I have some friends from kamps and some from college and some from when I was 10 years old. I have friends that push me towards the cross.
I know that I can call them when I am in a frenzy and they will speak life into me and not death.
I know that I can rely on them through all the storms of life.
I know that I am healthy and have no serious ailments.
I am blessed.
I know that God will be faithful to complete the good work he started in me. (Philippeans 1:6)
I know that God has a plan for my life to prosper me and not to harm me. (Jeremiah 29:11) I know that He is in control at all times in every situation regardless of how it looks/feels.
I know that the God of the Universe is in relentless pursuit of me regardless of me completely.
Knowing and living truth must be synonymous. Obedience is a reflection of how well we know our Creator. God can be included and reign sovereign over our rationale, reasoning, and thoughts. We, being created in the image of Him, are but an echo of the living God. So tonight, once again I am choosing joy. Here is one reason why:
Because I am sitting in the room that I share with my little brother. He has his shirt off while he is studying so he can glance at his newly developed muscles from time to time in the mirror. I giggle at him and admire him. He just told me a story for 10 minutes about how he can talk his way out of bad grades sometimes, and that’s why its okay that he didn’t start studying until AFTER we watched 3 episodes of Criminal Minds. I get to spend an entire month with this boy who I love all the way down to my toes. This boy calls me his big sister and I found him in my bed when I walked in tonight, ready to snuggle me. So tonight the truth of the matter is that I am blessed. So stinkin blessed that its too much for my little heart to take in. In this moment I know that truth from the Lord overrides any lies of insecurity that the enemy has whispered in my ear all day long.
This is the excerpt of a blog post of a girl I don’t know, but she’s spot on (Thanks MT):
“I think this is a life-long season, and having a renewed mind is a full-time job. I can't afford to be lackadaisical about it. Its amazing how the more I clear out of my head that isn't of God, the more open space He has to fill with things that are of God. And the best news is, God doesn't hold grudges. So if one day I'm really bad at renewing my mind, we're still on speaking terms the next morning, and He is just as willing, wanting, that I might have the mind of Christ.”
I LOVE THAT. I love that even when we suck BAD, we can start the next day again anew, with a loving, patient God who is not holding a grudge at our past failures. Oh if I could even fathom a love like His. The more and more I come to terms with the way that God really loves me, I look at life differently. The gospel, when understood, absolutely changes you. It rocks me to my core. Because I can find my emotional security in this God, in Christ's achievement for me, I can admit my wrongs and weaknesses without feeling deflated.
"...you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind and put on the new self which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." Ephesians 4:22-24
See? Already I am out of pity me mode and into: 'OH God thank you so much' mode. Speak truth. Rebuke lies. Enjoy life people. Enjoy the ups and downs and the good times and bad. Drink it in, because we are but the morning dew, here today and gone today. So buckle up and choose joy. Not to mention, a calm sea isnt the goal in life...it's the excpetion. God makes waves. Us too.
So tonight I am admitting straight up that I am not worthy of my place in the kingdom, and only thanks to Jesus Christ can I stand blameless before the throne. I am saying out loud that there are things and people that I love more than I love the God who created me; that my rebellious heart still pleads for the things of this world to attempt to fill its void, although my rational mind knows better. Yet my heart often wins the war as I try again and again to cram relationships and everything else into the gaping hole that never loses its appetite for more, and is never satisfied.
David Marvin gave a talk one summer at Kanakuk about self examination and its painful process. Oh how I wish I could look away from the mirror that I must look in. I wish that I could go on living in sweet oblivion and pushing all my problems to the side, sweeping them under the rug. But then you have a lumpy rug and you eventually trip and fall down. So thanks to that lumpy rug reasoning, and the fact that I am ABSOLUTELY a dweller, I instead am forced to deal with my emotions at face value and here is where I get really thankful for a perfect God.
Isaiah 55:8-9 says “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my thoughts higher than your thoughts and my ways higher than your ways.”
WELL PRAISE THE LIVING GOD. The bible commands us over and over again to renew our minds. What does that even mean? Like I wish God would just zap me from the heavens and I would automatically be holy and function in a manner only worthy of Christ. Seriously, lightning bolt into my head and make me Godly. For some reason I dont think it works that way, and Fiona says that we are responsible for our own thoughts. It is our responsibility to capture sinful thoughts, rebuke lies, and replace them with what is true and of God. God never condemns but only convicts. And if our thoughts are not in sync with the thoughts of God, they are not worthwhile to dwell on. So me, being a dweller (as Brittney is so faithful to remind me), I have to choose to dwell only on things that hold absolute truth. So LETS DO THIS.
Here is what I absolutely KNOW:
I know that I have a God who loves me.
I have a belief system where I can have absolute certainty of my salvation. My sole purpose is to bring glory to the Almighty God.
I know that I have eternal security.
I know where I am going and its GOOD. The end of this story turns out very well, and for this I am thankful that the world and its depravity is the only hell that I will ever have to experience. ("He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4)
I know that there is nothing I can do to make my God love me any more or any less than He does at this moment. There is no failure or disaster than can shake his love for me.
I know that every day is a new day, and every act of repentance is a new beginning.
I know that Jesus Christ died for me, for the atonement of my sins, providing the entirety of my belief system.
I know that He rose from the dead, is seated at the right hand of God, and He is coming again. OH GLORIOUS DAY. I know that the Holy Spirit enables me to be different than I used to be. He IS renewing my mind and slowly walking me through both victories and failures, molding me.
I know that I will be different tomorrow thanks to the promised progressive sanctification of the Lord.
I know that God speaks to me through the scriptures, through music, through His still soft voice.
I know that he longs to speak to me and guide my footsteps.
I know that His words are like living water and serve as constant affirmation, the only kind that really fills me up.
I know that I have a family who loves me, adores me. A support system of seven lunatics who will stand by my side no matter what, through think and thin. Who will help keep me busy when I cant get control of my own thoughts (insanityyyy). And all who serve the same victorious God. To get specific
I know that I have a sister who is the best person in the world and who gives me the BEST advice, even if most of the time its to “chill out” and not worry so much. Brittney keeps me on my toes and loves me the way Christ calls each of us to love.
I know that I have a brother who is my hero and is setting an example with his life that I love and respect more than he will ever know. Carson is my hero.
I know that I have friends that are absolutely the icing on the cake in this life. I have accountability like none other and friends that will love me through my craziness. I have new friends and old friends and mostly small friends actually. I have some friends from kamps and some from college and some from when I was 10 years old. I have friends that push me towards the cross.
I know that I can call them when I am in a frenzy and they will speak life into me and not death.
I know that I can rely on them through all the storms of life.
I know that I am healthy and have no serious ailments.
I am blessed.
I know that God will be faithful to complete the good work he started in me. (Philippeans 1:6)
I know that God has a plan for my life to prosper me and not to harm me. (Jeremiah 29:11) I know that He is in control at all times in every situation regardless of how it looks/feels.
I know that the God of the Universe is in relentless pursuit of me regardless of me completely.
Knowing and living truth must be synonymous. Obedience is a reflection of how well we know our Creator. God can be included and reign sovereign over our rationale, reasoning, and thoughts. We, being created in the image of Him, are but an echo of the living God. So tonight, once again I am choosing joy. Here is one reason why:
Because I am sitting in the room that I share with my little brother. He has his shirt off while he is studying so he can glance at his newly developed muscles from time to time in the mirror. I giggle at him and admire him. He just told me a story for 10 minutes about how he can talk his way out of bad grades sometimes, and that’s why its okay that he didn’t start studying until AFTER we watched 3 episodes of Criminal Minds. I get to spend an entire month with this boy who I love all the way down to my toes. This boy calls me his big sister and I found him in my bed when I walked in tonight, ready to snuggle me. So tonight the truth of the matter is that I am blessed. So stinkin blessed that its too much for my little heart to take in. In this moment I know that truth from the Lord overrides any lies of insecurity that the enemy has whispered in my ear all day long.
This is the excerpt of a blog post of a girl I don’t know, but she’s spot on (Thanks MT):
“I think this is a life-long season, and having a renewed mind is a full-time job. I can't afford to be lackadaisical about it. Its amazing how the more I clear out of my head that isn't of God, the more open space He has to fill with things that are of God. And the best news is, God doesn't hold grudges. So if one day I'm really bad at renewing my mind, we're still on speaking terms the next morning, and He is just as willing, wanting, that I might have the mind of Christ.”
I LOVE THAT. I love that even when we suck BAD, we can start the next day again anew, with a loving, patient God who is not holding a grudge at our past failures. Oh if I could even fathom a love like His. The more and more I come to terms with the way that God really loves me, I look at life differently. The gospel, when understood, absolutely changes you. It rocks me to my core. Because I can find my emotional security in this God, in Christ's achievement for me, I can admit my wrongs and weaknesses without feeling deflated.
"...you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind and put on the new self which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." Ephesians 4:22-24
See? Already I am out of pity me mode and into: 'OH God thank you so much' mode. Speak truth. Rebuke lies. Enjoy life people. Enjoy the ups and downs and the good times and bad. Drink it in, because we are but the morning dew, here today and gone today. So buckle up and choose joy. Not to mention, a calm sea isnt the goal in life...it's the excpetion. God makes waves. Us too.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
I Could Listen Forever
Music is one thing that I think proves the existence of a divine creator God. Music in its shear beauty has the ability to completely reconstruct a down day, move me to tears, and convict my heart all at the same time. I am a sucker for good lyrics, and can just get sent overboard on a good melody with some meaningful truths keeping its rhythm. Music gets me through some days. Lyrics affirm and validate my emotions. Its like when I listen to good music, I start craving its source. I crave more of its sound, I want it to fill me and flow through me. And yet the music is not what I crave, but only an indicator of something greater. I want to experience music in a way that my human body prevents me from doing. I think that when we get to spend eternity with God we will get to taste, see, smell, touch, AND hear music in all of its rhythmic perfection. We will probably experience in many more ways than we can even imagine. A blissful epitome of a paradise that we cannot even imagine.
C.S. Lewis puts it nicely. "The books or the music in which we thought beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it [beauty] was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing stirred up within us. These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past, the music—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."
Oh how I long for the creator of something as beautiful as music. I long to meet it's author; the musical, lyrical, genius who never runs out of words, and is limited by nothing. The echos of what my heart desires are overwhelming.
C.S. Lewis puts it nicely. "The books or the music in which we thought beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it [beauty] was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing stirred up within us. These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past, the music—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."
Oh how I long for the creator of something as beautiful as music. I long to meet it's author; the musical, lyrical, genius who never runs out of words, and is limited by nothing. The echos of what my heart desires are overwhelming.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Rhythm and Baby Steps
This week I have realized something extraordinary. I am not the same as I was even 3 months ago. God is redeeming me, progressively sanctifying me. It’s actually happening! This shouldn’t shock me, but it DOES…it places AWE within me of God’s goodness and faithfulness to complete the good work that He started in me. I am experiencing what me and Becks lovingly refer to as momentary victories that lead to hourly victories that lead to daily victories that lead to weekly and monthly victories. (Quoted from the infamous Beth Moore)
I am by no means past struggling. That is something that I will never claim as truth while here on earth. This is a daily fight. But I am taking steps! Little, tiny, baby steps!! And my Father in heaven is smiling, prompting, cheering for me - His beloved - as I take wobbly uncoordinated steps in His direction. But oh I am learning to celebrate these stumbles towards the Living God who loved me first. Oh Lord how gracious You are for Your unfailing love that picks me up when I fall, wipes my tears, and in time, helps me walk again.
I know that things will not always be this way, but as of now I have a community around me that is very supportive. I love my team that will be accompanying me to Central America in a mere 10 days. Even further than the 12, I have two girls here at YWAM that love me WELL. They are each so different, but we have decided to do this stinkin’ vulnerability thing together and it is actually good! (Sometimes…and other times it hurts, but in a good way) That attempt at vulnerability is a tiny baby step. But baby steps get us closer to CHRIST!! We have had so many funny moments where we give up our cell phones or go on a walk together to keep me from my boredom depression phenomena. Or sometimes its just a vent session, ending in prayer. And we are taking baby steps together. It’s so painfully, awesomely good.
And let me just say, I still fall down. Big time. And it hurts, and I am pissed at myself. But slowly I am learning to look to my Father when I am at my worst and cry out for help, instead of running from Him to try and fix myself. Slowly I am discovering that I never succeed in that feat.
This morning during class we watched a video about learning the rhythm to the tune of a relationship with the Living God. We try too often to make God, and a relationship with Him, to be this complicated, almost mystical thing. But this relational God is intricately involved in every part of our lives. Donald Miller describes this process as a dance, to learn to dance with God. Rob Bell explains it like a song, learning to hear and play the tune of the song of Christ. It’s the same beautiful, painful concept of a God who has orchestrated this world with a rhythm that is written on each of our hearts.
I think the most often used word here at YWAM is "PROCESS". Talk about the most frustrating word in the English language. As we live and breathe in this Microwave Generation, full of instant gratification, the idea that something that takes hard work over a long period of time is outright discouraging. But this whole thing called progressive sanctification, IS A PROCESS. Like it or not. But then again, if we don't struggle through a process, we do not get to experience first hand the mercy and GRACE of God. And also this painful glorious process makes us relatable to others. People like to see that other people struggle too, it makes us feel like we aren't alone. I remember last summer, while talking to Savannah on one of our hundred porch talks, we kept saying how comforting it was that we WERE NOT ALONE.
Anyways so back to the process. I am learning to enjoy it. Learning to laugh at my mistakes, rejoice in my tiny momentary victories. Because that's what God does. When we see that God LOVES US, when we see that He looks down at us and loves our quirks and laughs with us and cries with us...we can finally walk in some kind of freedom, and learn to ENJOY the process of this dance, the rhythm of the Living God.
I am by no means past struggling. That is something that I will never claim as truth while here on earth. This is a daily fight. But I am taking steps! Little, tiny, baby steps!! And my Father in heaven is smiling, prompting, cheering for me - His beloved - as I take wobbly uncoordinated steps in His direction. But oh I am learning to celebrate these stumbles towards the Living God who loved me first. Oh Lord how gracious You are for Your unfailing love that picks me up when I fall, wipes my tears, and in time, helps me walk again.
I know that things will not always be this way, but as of now I have a community around me that is very supportive. I love my team that will be accompanying me to Central America in a mere 10 days. Even further than the 12, I have two girls here at YWAM that love me WELL. They are each so different, but we have decided to do this stinkin’ vulnerability thing together and it is actually good! (Sometimes…and other times it hurts, but in a good way) That attempt at vulnerability is a tiny baby step. But baby steps get us closer to CHRIST!! We have had so many funny moments where we give up our cell phones or go on a walk together to keep me from my boredom depression phenomena. Or sometimes its just a vent session, ending in prayer. And we are taking baby steps together. It’s so painfully, awesomely good.
And let me just say, I still fall down. Big time. And it hurts, and I am pissed at myself. But slowly I am learning to look to my Father when I am at my worst and cry out for help, instead of running from Him to try and fix myself. Slowly I am discovering that I never succeed in that feat.
This morning during class we watched a video about learning the rhythm to the tune of a relationship with the Living God. We try too often to make God, and a relationship with Him, to be this complicated, almost mystical thing. But this relational God is intricately involved in every part of our lives. Donald Miller describes this process as a dance, to learn to dance with God. Rob Bell explains it like a song, learning to hear and play the tune of the song of Christ. It’s the same beautiful, painful concept of a God who has orchestrated this world with a rhythm that is written on each of our hearts.
I think the most often used word here at YWAM is "PROCESS". Talk about the most frustrating word in the English language. As we live and breathe in this Microwave Generation, full of instant gratification, the idea that something that takes hard work over a long period of time is outright discouraging. But this whole thing called progressive sanctification, IS A PROCESS. Like it or not. But then again, if we don't struggle through a process, we do not get to experience first hand the mercy and GRACE of God. And also this painful glorious process makes us relatable to others. People like to see that other people struggle too, it makes us feel like we aren't alone. I remember last summer, while talking to Savannah on one of our hundred porch talks, we kept saying how comforting it was that we WERE NOT ALONE.
Anyways so back to the process. I am learning to enjoy it. Learning to laugh at my mistakes, rejoice in my tiny momentary victories. Because that's what God does. When we see that God LOVES US, when we see that He looks down at us and loves our quirks and laughs with us and cries with us...we can finally walk in some kind of freedom, and learn to ENJOY the process of this dance, the rhythm of the Living God.
Monday, August 30, 2010
God's Relentless Pursuit of Sinners
My trip home was a phenomenal vacation. I always love being with my family and I got to see some high school friends too. Spending time with my sister though, always makes me want to be in the same place as her 100% of the time. So it was quite the tease to only spend 36 hours with my best friend in the world. Overall, let me conclude that it was GREAT to be in the Lone Star state for the weekend. I am still a Texan at heart :)
That being said, home brought back a lot of junk that I hadn’t seen in a while. At YWAM, for the most part I am safe…well, to an extent. My struggles just look differently when I am living in a missional bubble of believers who provide constant gospel community. I don’t know what it was about being comfortable at home that just made it seem okay to revert back to the same old stuff that I have finally been walking in some sort of freedom from for the past 8 weeks. I hate my sin. But the question is: how much do I hate it? That is a good question, but this weekend I realized that I really do want freedom from it---for good - even though the stripping of my sinful nature is very painful. There’s a big part of my flesh that kind of FREAKS out when the Spirit-led part of me decides its time to put sin to death once and for all. This death is usually accomplished in my life through bringing sin into the light. That’s when I know that I actually want freedom, that I actually want to heal.
So I am practicing this new idea of vulnerability. I think it might be the most re-occurring and LOUDEST revelation in my life lately--that Christ requires it from me. I think that the fear of being fully known is pretty valid for me since I am such a wack-job. My life has just been a joke in a lot of ways. And God knows I have screwed up. Its not the things that have happened to me that I don’t want everybody knowing. The things that were not my fault hardly cause any grief when brought into the light. It’s the things that WERE my fault that suck. My mistakes, my shortcomings, my sinful thoughts. Those are the things that I would rather keep in the closet that nobody opens. You know that creepy closet in every house that usually holds the hot-water heater? I would rather hide the gross mistakes of my past and present in there with that. This is my innate performance based mindset rearing its ugly head. The truth I have come to realize is that our sins are always an instinctive attempt to make ourselves god, which will always end in tragic failure, and God knows I hate failing.
I don’t know what it is about me that causes me to think I need to appear perfect. I don’t know why I feel like I have to pretend that I never struggle. This is such a contrary idea to what is expressed in the Bible. 2 Corinthians says that as Christians, we should boast all the more gladly about our weakness, since Christ’s power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore Christ’s power can dwell in us when we take hold of the idea that we CANNOT do it on our own. I am a mess without Jesus. Lucky for me though, the gospel doxologically declares that my relationship to God is not based on my radical struggle for Jesus, but Jesus’ radical struggle for me.
The exhausted idea of trying to save ourselves through either legalism or license never works and while self-reliance is the natural tendency of every human heart, we still do not hold right-standing with God through any other means than His grace. I too often though try to take back control and find myself failing and disappointed with myself yet again. But oh how precious it is to rest in the idea that Christ is in relentless pursuit of rebels. I am so relieved to revel in the idea that God’s acceptance of me is not based on what I can do or have done, but what CHRIST has done. THANK GOD. Oh how far I have fallen from the glory of God, and yet no matter how bad I fail, God always responds to great sin with great mercy. No matter how far I run trying to save myself, His grace and mercy go farther still. Our loving father allows us to run (via our free will), but he arrives at our place of flight before we get there and stands ready to again welcome us (even when broken and drenched with rebellion) with open arms and direct our steps back to Himself. All of us need to be continually rescued by God.
The idea that I need to fix myself in order to present myself to God is a really screwed up notion. The whole point of the cross is that I could not accomplish this feat. But IN the cross, the blood of Christ covers me that I might be presented as holy and blameless in God’s sight. Well that just evokes worship. Especially knowing the depravity that I know all too well as my own reality.
I think that the one thing that I need saving from the most is myself. And God is even faithful to save me from me. Pastor Tullian says that we can experience true life and freedom only when we come to realize that God is God and we are not. The deepest slavery is self-dependence, self-reliance. When I live my life believing that everything depends primarily on me, I am enslaved to my own strengths and weaknesses. This is me trying to be my own Savior. But freedom comes when I start trusting in God’s abilities and wisdom instead of my own. WELL THANK GOD. I am learning to transfer my trust from my own efforts to the efforts of Christ. I too often find myself trying SO HARD to beat my sin. To fix myself. To defeat the struggles that I know all too well, when God seems to be screaming through the gospel that He has already defeated this on my behalf. Well shoot. That is just too much. I’m tearing up in the airport.
I am now like 10,000ft in the air or something watching the sunset. From this view, its pretty easy to forget all the mess that is waiting for me back on the ground, in the midst of life. Up here I can just revel in how much BIGGER God is than any of my accomplishments or failures. It gives me a peace to see the orange and yellow splashed across the soft blue violet background, knowing that my God painted it for me. I look out my window and God is so beautiful. God is currently painting the sky, holding the world together by the word of his mouth, and yet he cares INTIMATELY about my tears. He cares about the desires of my heart. I fail to see this in the sweat of every day life. But God stands ready to take over the control of our lives — providing the most exciting adventure packed with fulfillment — the second we relinquish control to Him. Surely we are the most favored of all creation. (AW Tozer)
I am learning SLOWLY how much God loves me. Its like every time I think I know how much, He is faithful to completely rock my world. I am praying for a hatred of my sin…even if my sin is me trying to be good. One expression of God’s amazing grace is that he pursues our rescue even though we cannot do one thing for him. In and of himself he is already of infinite value and worth. The reason he seeks, saves, and sends sinners is because GOD LOVES SINNERS. No other object of worship loves sinners like God does.
So by the grace of God I am setting my eyes on the cross, and again accepting God’s infinite love, mercy, and grace through Jesus Christ to walk in the freedom that is offered to me. God help me. And with this relational God that LOVES ME leading me, I will gladly serve Him in whatever way possible. He is constantly reminding me that He wants to partner with me and walk through life with me using the passions that He has given me. He is constantly reminding me to look at Him, not to the left or right or around at anything else. He is lovingly coaxing me, at a pace that I am comfortable with, to put one foot in front of the other and take steps towards my Creator and Savior who is madly in love with EXACTLY who he created me to be. Sins and failures and everything, God is all-knowing and LOVES the heck out of me, regardless. So yet again I will take his hand, let Him brush my dirty bleeding knees off and take another step. Yes I will inevitably fall again, but I will run, crying, back to the Father who wants to comfort me in all of my troubles.
And as I am wobbly and uncoordinated, I am so blessed to have a handful of friends here on earth who know the depths of my iniquity and promise to love me anyways. I am so lucky that I can look around and see girls standing next to me as we brave the dark together. This group is boldfaced marching into hell, and bringing heaven with us. "On earth as it is in heaven..." We are taking wobbly steps alongside one another, and oh I so appreciate the GOODNESS of God for blessing me with such a supportive team. I am eternally grateful to the God that knew I would need some help, and while He is the ultimate Savior, I will never be able to thank Him for providing the friends that I call mine.
And with that, we are landing in Denver.
That being said, home brought back a lot of junk that I hadn’t seen in a while. At YWAM, for the most part I am safe…well, to an extent. My struggles just look differently when I am living in a missional bubble of believers who provide constant gospel community. I don’t know what it was about being comfortable at home that just made it seem okay to revert back to the same old stuff that I have finally been walking in some sort of freedom from for the past 8 weeks. I hate my sin. But the question is: how much do I hate it? That is a good question, but this weekend I realized that I really do want freedom from it---for good - even though the stripping of my sinful nature is very painful. There’s a big part of my flesh that kind of FREAKS out when the Spirit-led part of me decides its time to put sin to death once and for all. This death is usually accomplished in my life through bringing sin into the light. That’s when I know that I actually want freedom, that I actually want to heal.
So I am practicing this new idea of vulnerability. I think it might be the most re-occurring and LOUDEST revelation in my life lately--that Christ requires it from me. I think that the fear of being fully known is pretty valid for me since I am such a wack-job. My life has just been a joke in a lot of ways. And God knows I have screwed up. Its not the things that have happened to me that I don’t want everybody knowing. The things that were not my fault hardly cause any grief when brought into the light. It’s the things that WERE my fault that suck. My mistakes, my shortcomings, my sinful thoughts. Those are the things that I would rather keep in the closet that nobody opens. You know that creepy closet in every house that usually holds the hot-water heater? I would rather hide the gross mistakes of my past and present in there with that. This is my innate performance based mindset rearing its ugly head. The truth I have come to realize is that our sins are always an instinctive attempt to make ourselves god, which will always end in tragic failure, and God knows I hate failing.
I don’t know what it is about me that causes me to think I need to appear perfect. I don’t know why I feel like I have to pretend that I never struggle. This is such a contrary idea to what is expressed in the Bible. 2 Corinthians says that as Christians, we should boast all the more gladly about our weakness, since Christ’s power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore Christ’s power can dwell in us when we take hold of the idea that we CANNOT do it on our own. I am a mess without Jesus. Lucky for me though, the gospel doxologically declares that my relationship to God is not based on my radical struggle for Jesus, but Jesus’ radical struggle for me.
The exhausted idea of trying to save ourselves through either legalism or license never works and while self-reliance is the natural tendency of every human heart, we still do not hold right-standing with God through any other means than His grace. I too often though try to take back control and find myself failing and disappointed with myself yet again. But oh how precious it is to rest in the idea that Christ is in relentless pursuit of rebels. I am so relieved to revel in the idea that God’s acceptance of me is not based on what I can do or have done, but what CHRIST has done. THANK GOD. Oh how far I have fallen from the glory of God, and yet no matter how bad I fail, God always responds to great sin with great mercy. No matter how far I run trying to save myself, His grace and mercy go farther still. Our loving father allows us to run (via our free will), but he arrives at our place of flight before we get there and stands ready to again welcome us (even when broken and drenched with rebellion) with open arms and direct our steps back to Himself. All of us need to be continually rescued by God.
The idea that I need to fix myself in order to present myself to God is a really screwed up notion. The whole point of the cross is that I could not accomplish this feat. But IN the cross, the blood of Christ covers me that I might be presented as holy and blameless in God’s sight. Well that just evokes worship. Especially knowing the depravity that I know all too well as my own reality.
I think that the one thing that I need saving from the most is myself. And God is even faithful to save me from me. Pastor Tullian says that we can experience true life and freedom only when we come to realize that God is God and we are not. The deepest slavery is self-dependence, self-reliance. When I live my life believing that everything depends primarily on me, I am enslaved to my own strengths and weaknesses. This is me trying to be my own Savior. But freedom comes when I start trusting in God’s abilities and wisdom instead of my own. WELL THANK GOD. I am learning to transfer my trust from my own efforts to the efforts of Christ. I too often find myself trying SO HARD to beat my sin. To fix myself. To defeat the struggles that I know all too well, when God seems to be screaming through the gospel that He has already defeated this on my behalf. Well shoot. That is just too much. I’m tearing up in the airport.
I am now like 10,000ft in the air or something watching the sunset. From this view, its pretty easy to forget all the mess that is waiting for me back on the ground, in the midst of life. Up here I can just revel in how much BIGGER God is than any of my accomplishments or failures. It gives me a peace to see the orange and yellow splashed across the soft blue violet background, knowing that my God painted it for me. I look out my window and God is so beautiful. God is currently painting the sky, holding the world together by the word of his mouth, and yet he cares INTIMATELY about my tears. He cares about the desires of my heart. I fail to see this in the sweat of every day life. But God stands ready to take over the control of our lives — providing the most exciting adventure packed with fulfillment — the second we relinquish control to Him. Surely we are the most favored of all creation. (AW Tozer)
I am learning SLOWLY how much God loves me. Its like every time I think I know how much, He is faithful to completely rock my world. I am praying for a hatred of my sin…even if my sin is me trying to be good. One expression of God’s amazing grace is that he pursues our rescue even though we cannot do one thing for him. In and of himself he is already of infinite value and worth. The reason he seeks, saves, and sends sinners is because GOD LOVES SINNERS. No other object of worship loves sinners like God does.
So by the grace of God I am setting my eyes on the cross, and again accepting God’s infinite love, mercy, and grace through Jesus Christ to walk in the freedom that is offered to me. God help me. And with this relational God that LOVES ME leading me, I will gladly serve Him in whatever way possible. He is constantly reminding me that He wants to partner with me and walk through life with me using the passions that He has given me. He is constantly reminding me to look at Him, not to the left or right or around at anything else. He is lovingly coaxing me, at a pace that I am comfortable with, to put one foot in front of the other and take steps towards my Creator and Savior who is madly in love with EXACTLY who he created me to be. Sins and failures and everything, God is all-knowing and LOVES the heck out of me, regardless. So yet again I will take his hand, let Him brush my dirty bleeding knees off and take another step. Yes I will inevitably fall again, but I will run, crying, back to the Father who wants to comfort me in all of my troubles.
And as I am wobbly and uncoordinated, I am so blessed to have a handful of friends here on earth who know the depths of my iniquity and promise to love me anyways. I am so lucky that I can look around and see girls standing next to me as we brave the dark together. This group is boldfaced marching into hell, and bringing heaven with us. "On earth as it is in heaven..." We are taking wobbly steps alongside one another, and oh I so appreciate the GOODNESS of God for blessing me with such a supportive team. I am eternally grateful to the God that knew I would need some help, and while He is the ultimate Savior, I will never be able to thank Him for providing the friends that I call mine.
And with that, we are landing in Denver.
Friday, August 6, 2010
I'm Learning
I have never had so much trouble posting a blog. For some reason words would just not come. Anyways, this is a jumbled mess of all of my failed attempts at blogging in the last week and a half. Enjoy my random thoughts from the week. It does not flow at all.
I write to you as an exhausted YWAMer. In case no one told you, YWAM runs you 90 to nothing, and leaves very few gaps of time to sit down and blog.
Last week was Holy Spirit week and I really don’t have enough words to explain everything that happened. We got to experience first hand a lot of the work of the Holy Spirit and the gifts that come from Him. Prophesy, being slain in the Spirit, speaking and interpreting tongues, and the laying on of hands to name a few. Contrary to popular belief, (ahem) the Holy Spirit is not about magical powers like in Harry Potter, but sometimes He does work through miraculous powers that defy the rules of nature. Did you know that stuff is still happening around the world? People are still being healed; miracles are still being seen everywhere where faith resides and the Holy Spirit is given His due recognition.
A lot of that stuff is controversial but guess what, its in the bible. So I am trying to come to terms with that.
This week we are learning about the Fear of the Lord. Mark Davies is our speaker and I already LOVE HIM. Actually I loved him on Monday morning when sarcasm was the first thing out of his mouth. He uses the word “dirtbag” a lot and I think I am going to implement that into my daily vocabulary. He talks on my level, doesn’t use any religious jargon, but just tells it how it is. LOVE IT. He is only 27 and admitted that he wanted to murder his 2 year old twins this morning and just needed some prayer. So naturally, I am obsessed with him.
So we are talking about Fear of the Lord, which is ironic because I just finished reading “Intimate Friendship with God” by Joy Dawson, and the subtitle was “Through the Fear of the Lord”. Needless to say, it seems like this topic has been pretty loud and clear lately from the big guy upstairs. The book says that if we really fear God, that we will HATE our sin and HATE evil, like God HATES it. Ouch. Mind bomb. I don’t hate my sin like God hates it. The evidence of that is that I run back to it in times of weakness, and yet the bible COMMANDS that we FLEE sin and fear the Lord.
We learned that Satan can come and tempt us at any time with any sin. Just when you say that you will never struggle with (fill in the blank), you will be in it and not sure how you got there. And it always starts with the mind. It does not matter what it is: unbelief, pride, lust, criticism, disobedience to God, or anything. We will find that there is no attraction to that temptation to sin to the degree that we have the fear of God. When we have Jesus’ attitude towards sin, instantly we will hate Satan’s suggestion to sin. James 4:7 says “Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” And don’t just sit there after that, load up on truth so that you will not be tempted again. Philippians 4:8 lists the things we should dwell on. It says “FIX your eyes on these things.” That represents a deliberate, determined, and disciplined act of your will. Because whatever you dwell on will determine your actions.
Out of the fear of the Lord we see that HE is just, and has every right to our whole-hearted surrender and obedience. The nearest thing to heaven that we will find on this earth is being at the center of the will of God, in a loving relationship with the one who created us. When we are delighting to do His will and delighting ourselves in Him that’s real freedom. That is fulfillment. The privileges and rewards from God when we truly place Him first in undivided devotion far outweigh the price, no matter how high.
To gain a greater and healthy fear of the Lord we must make a choice with our will. We must confess our lack of the fear of the Lord before God and cry out that He might have mercy on us. We should continually seek God for it and study the Word of God through which He speaks.
And lucky for us, we never need to be in despair that we will not attain to intimate friendship with God. Being obedient to the next thing God tells us to do will get us there. He has promised to clearly communicate to us everything we will ever need to know in order to obey Him---provided that we want to obey. Psalm 32:8 says “I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go”. God always rewards diligent seekers. With the simplicity of a child, we can come to our loving heavenly Father and trust Him to lead us one step at a time along the pathway of obedience that leads to intimate friendship with Him. He is longing to take our hand and do just that. And if there comes a time where we turn our back on sin and decide to indulge in our flesh/sin and mess up royally; we can be sure that God is the ULTIMATE TAILGATER, and is always closer to us than our thoughts. Even when he seems far away because of our disobedience, we know that He never leaves us, He just simply rams us in the bumper until we decide to turn around and tearfully return to His loving arms. Our God is so merciful.
On a lighter note, I have a lot of new really good music lately mostly thanks to Leacox and Matt Watson. Does anyone know me well enough to know how much this excites me?! I love getting new music, I think it’s one of my love languages.
This weekend we are going to the Royal Gorge. We leave Friday and will camp Friday night and then wake up and GO EXPLORE! Then we get the opportunity to do the Royal Gorge Skycoaster. Let me explain: You know the skycoaster at 6flags? Where you pull the rip cord, free fall and then swing back and forth? Well this is the same concept, except they have built it where you swing over the massive gorge, 1200ft from the ground. HOW GREAT IS THAT? Yep, and then on Sunday the PLAN is to go wakeboarding in Pueblo, but we are still praying that that works out. I would give anything to strap a wakeboard onto my feet. Just thinking about it makes me almost giddy.
So today I am happy. The sun is shining. I want to make sure you know that I say this just for today as I could wake up tomorrow and feel stale and stressed and numb and maybe even a little pissed off and not even sure who I am pissed at or what about…I have no guarantees for tomorrow where my unreliable and fickle emotions are concerned. I am learning though, not to worry about tomorrow so TODAY, I can thank God with all my heart that THIS PRESENT DAY I feel love toward the One who loves me first.
I write to you as an exhausted YWAMer. In case no one told you, YWAM runs you 90 to nothing, and leaves very few gaps of time to sit down and blog.
Last week was Holy Spirit week and I really don’t have enough words to explain everything that happened. We got to experience first hand a lot of the work of the Holy Spirit and the gifts that come from Him. Prophesy, being slain in the Spirit, speaking and interpreting tongues, and the laying on of hands to name a few. Contrary to popular belief, (ahem) the Holy Spirit is not about magical powers like in Harry Potter, but sometimes He does work through miraculous powers that defy the rules of nature. Did you know that stuff is still happening around the world? People are still being healed; miracles are still being seen everywhere where faith resides and the Holy Spirit is given His due recognition.
A lot of that stuff is controversial but guess what, its in the bible. So I am trying to come to terms with that.
This week we are learning about the Fear of the Lord. Mark Davies is our speaker and I already LOVE HIM. Actually I loved him on Monday morning when sarcasm was the first thing out of his mouth. He uses the word “dirtbag” a lot and I think I am going to implement that into my daily vocabulary. He talks on my level, doesn’t use any religious jargon, but just tells it how it is. LOVE IT. He is only 27 and admitted that he wanted to murder his 2 year old twins this morning and just needed some prayer. So naturally, I am obsessed with him.
So we are talking about Fear of the Lord, which is ironic because I just finished reading “Intimate Friendship with God” by Joy Dawson, and the subtitle was “Through the Fear of the Lord”. Needless to say, it seems like this topic has been pretty loud and clear lately from the big guy upstairs. The book says that if we really fear God, that we will HATE our sin and HATE evil, like God HATES it. Ouch. Mind bomb. I don’t hate my sin like God hates it. The evidence of that is that I run back to it in times of weakness, and yet the bible COMMANDS that we FLEE sin and fear the Lord.
We learned that Satan can come and tempt us at any time with any sin. Just when you say that you will never struggle with (fill in the blank), you will be in it and not sure how you got there. And it always starts with the mind. It does not matter what it is: unbelief, pride, lust, criticism, disobedience to God, or anything. We will find that there is no attraction to that temptation to sin to the degree that we have the fear of God. When we have Jesus’ attitude towards sin, instantly we will hate Satan’s suggestion to sin. James 4:7 says “Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” And don’t just sit there after that, load up on truth so that you will not be tempted again. Philippians 4:8 lists the things we should dwell on. It says “FIX your eyes on these things.” That represents a deliberate, determined, and disciplined act of your will. Because whatever you dwell on will determine your actions.
Out of the fear of the Lord we see that HE is just, and has every right to our whole-hearted surrender and obedience. The nearest thing to heaven that we will find on this earth is being at the center of the will of God, in a loving relationship with the one who created us. When we are delighting to do His will and delighting ourselves in Him that’s real freedom. That is fulfillment. The privileges and rewards from God when we truly place Him first in undivided devotion far outweigh the price, no matter how high.
To gain a greater and healthy fear of the Lord we must make a choice with our will. We must confess our lack of the fear of the Lord before God and cry out that He might have mercy on us. We should continually seek God for it and study the Word of God through which He speaks.
And lucky for us, we never need to be in despair that we will not attain to intimate friendship with God. Being obedient to the next thing God tells us to do will get us there. He has promised to clearly communicate to us everything we will ever need to know in order to obey Him---provided that we want to obey. Psalm 32:8 says “I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go”. God always rewards diligent seekers. With the simplicity of a child, we can come to our loving heavenly Father and trust Him to lead us one step at a time along the pathway of obedience that leads to intimate friendship with Him. He is longing to take our hand and do just that. And if there comes a time where we turn our back on sin and decide to indulge in our flesh/sin and mess up royally; we can be sure that God is the ULTIMATE TAILGATER, and is always closer to us than our thoughts. Even when he seems far away because of our disobedience, we know that He never leaves us, He just simply rams us in the bumper until we decide to turn around and tearfully return to His loving arms. Our God is so merciful.
On a lighter note, I have a lot of new really good music lately mostly thanks to Leacox and Matt Watson. Does anyone know me well enough to know how much this excites me?! I love getting new music, I think it’s one of my love languages.
This weekend we are going to the Royal Gorge. We leave Friday and will camp Friday night and then wake up and GO EXPLORE! Then we get the opportunity to do the Royal Gorge Skycoaster. Let me explain: You know the skycoaster at 6flags? Where you pull the rip cord, free fall and then swing back and forth? Well this is the same concept, except they have built it where you swing over the massive gorge, 1200ft from the ground. HOW GREAT IS THAT? Yep, and then on Sunday the PLAN is to go wakeboarding in Pueblo, but we are still praying that that works out. I would give anything to strap a wakeboard onto my feet. Just thinking about it makes me almost giddy.
So today I am happy. The sun is shining. I want to make sure you know that I say this just for today as I could wake up tomorrow and feel stale and stressed and numb and maybe even a little pissed off and not even sure who I am pissed at or what about…I have no guarantees for tomorrow where my unreliable and fickle emotions are concerned. I am learning though, not to worry about tomorrow so TODAY, I can thank God with all my heart that THIS PRESENT DAY I feel love toward the One who loves me first.
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