Emotional Rollercoaster

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster much like the physical experience of riding the Titan at Six Flags over Texas. I tried so hard to insert the video of me and Meg on the Titan, and failed. To explain…just the course of today has provided loops, hills, and drops. I find it very unnerving that my emotions can go from such one extreme to another so fast.

This morning I woke up a little late, just in time to get some breakfast before they cleaned up…waking up late always throws me a little off. Its just so dang cozy in my sleeping bag and, so dang cold outside of it. So I was already uncomfortable, much like putting that stupid harness on at the beginning of the ride. Anyways, I fled to breakfast to grab something quick and started my quiet time. Currently I am reading through the book of Isaiah, which is challenging and rewarding at the same time. I always feel rushed in my hour-long quiet time, which is saying a lot for how much I thirst for words from God. I just feel so peaceful when it is just me and Him and the mountains.

I feel like that is the time when I am most myself. Could be because that is how God created me. Living in constant community does have one downfall: the constant yearning for time alone. The older I get, the more I crave time by myself. 15 year old Ally would punch me in the mouth if she heard me say that, she would prolly call the current 22 year old Ally lame.

We had our final lesson on Relationships, and to be honest I am glad this week is over. A lot of the teaching was things I had heard before, and considering I am no where close to starting a relationship with a boy and essentially against dating altogether, I felt like it was all pocket knowledge…things to be stored in my mental capacity and pulled out later when applicable. Don’t get me wrong.

I needed to hear these things for future reference.

After the lesson this morning we split up into groups, either all boys or all girls. Quickly the time became more of a confession of individual struggles. I was quiet. I gladly gave my input of advice, but genuinely couldn’t think of anything that I was majorly struggling with. I felt happy. I really thanked God for putting me on this temporary mountain-top. I was filled with gratitude from where he has brought me. I made the mistake yesterday of reading my journal from the past few months when I was really hurting, but at this moment I was just so thankful that God had been faithful to see me through the heartache and desperation that February-June brought with it.

After that I was in a zone of my own. I was literally sitting at a lunch table with 10 people, but it was just me. I spaced out majorly, just in deep thought. Erin asked me if I was okay because everyone who knows me knows that I wear my emotions on my face, and I quickly responded with yes, because truthfully I was fine…but I realized at that point, 30 minutes into lunch, that there were other people at my table. These people had been having a conversation that I was totally oblivious to, and apparently I wasn’t answering their questions. Black out.

At this point, I let my guard down and Satan came with fury. I just felt alone. No, Satan told me I was alone, and I failed to capture and challenge that thought with truth. I had been quiet all morning, due to feeling good about the place I was in, but I also realized again that I have so much trouble letting my guard down with people. I would so much rather pull out my handy dandy advice booklet than spill my innermost thoughts on the table with strangers. “Strangers” was a harsh word, seeing that I have lived with these people for a month now, but still I do not feel totally comfortable being brutally honest. So I just felt alone, and I wanted to be that way. I wanted to go running, get away, go out in nature on my own and just deal with myself. I laughed out loud slash cringed when I realized this, because I so often try and tell other people that they cant do life on their own. Gospel community is so important. Dang it.

During our time of reflection, which we get the privilege of having every Thursday, the first song that came on my iPod was “Meteor Shower” by Owl City. It’s the song they played at every session of Passion 2010 back in January. Next came “We know where the Spirit of the Lord is.” I mean cripes. I got really sad then, teared up even. Passion was the best time of my life. I would easily say that Passion week was Top 5 favorite times ever. All kidding aside. I was with my best friends, and completely content. I had my sister on hand, and I stayed up until 4am every night just talking about God and how great and big He was. I felt comfortable, and I remember distinctly feeling loved. I realized at this point how much I really miss my sister. And I really miss my friends so so much. And while the truth of the matter is: I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now, the emotions and feelings still remain that I MISS my friends.

You know the time when rollercoasters come to a tragic halt, kind of slinging you forward in your seat only to bang your collar bones on the safety harness? That’s where I am now. God brought me to a painful halt. A tragic realization that I have nothing to complain about, and maybe I should take some of the advice that I dished out this morning and apply it to myself. Maybe I need to sit back and remember how lucky I am to be where I am. Maybe I need to recall the time I spent this morning praising God’s name for bringing me out of the miry pit.

All of this leads me to my conclusion: My emotions are not dependable. They actually suck. My feelings keep me constantly guessing. So I am choosing today not to stand on emotion, and instead stand on truth. This is the truth that I know today: God loves me. God has done SO much to bless my life. Not only does he love me, but he KNOWS me in and out. He knew I would be messy, an emotional rollercoaster, and so extremely prone to wander. That was the whole point of the cross, that I am going to fail and stumble and feel unworthy. The cross is this mighty picture of His love and pursuit of me DESPITE me. This idea creates gratitude, and an overwhelming amount of peace that transcends whatever the devil can throw at me today.

So in response, I am saying “Bring it on Satan. Sign me up for every emotional rollercoaster you have in store for me, because the truth of the matter is: no loop, no drop-off, and no hilltop experience can rob me of the truth that GOD KNOWS AND LOVES ME, and HE IS FOR ME. God is closer than my thoughts and promises to NEVER leave or abandon me. This remains true even when I feel completely alone.

Update From Eagle Rock

This week we are learning about "Relationships" First with God, then with others. They started talking about having a correct view of yourself being important in any relationship, which I totally agree with. I was having a heart to heart with Hannah, and out of no where the Holy Spirit said through me: "If you believe that God is God and that He is without a shadow of a doubt WHO He says He is, then you have to believe that YOU ARE WHO HE SAYS YOU ARE. Which is holy and dearly beloved. If you think anything else about yourself, you are calling God a liar or telling Him that He messed up which would rob him from being God." We just looked at each other and were like...that was profound. Which is why I knew it was NOT from me. I dont even know where it came from....well yes I do..the Holy Spirit. But how true huh? Also this morning, during the talk about the relationship with God, our speaker quoted 'The Shack' to which my response was a mild freak out! My favorite quote from that book...or at least top 5:

"The problem is that many people try to grasp some sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can perceive, which often isn’t much, and then call that God. And while it may seem like a noble effort, it falls pitifully short of who I really am. I’m not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more than that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think."

Note to self: stop putting God in a box. He is bigger and better than anything I could ever ask or imagine. Let Him wow me.

The first question our speaker asked us this week was: "What is something that you REALLY want?" My answer immediately popped out of my mouth before he asked us to vocalize it, but I just blurted out "I want a life of adventure, where Christ can use me however He wants and I won't ever get bored." My team laughed, knowing me and the absolute honesty behind that statement, but that really is what I want. I also said that I would like someone to do it with me. Maybe a husband, or just a friend. He told me God was already doing it with me. That's legit. I realized that I really do feel like I am getting adventure here, and I am rarely bored. God is so sovereign in placing me here, and He seems near. Its so good for my soul.

Sunset Thoughts

Its been a while since I blogged, and I apologize, it just seems like I am pouring out my thoughts all the time, they just don’t happen to be on the Internet. YWAM is emotionally draining, and emotionally edifying at the same time.

On Wednesday I skipped Denver community outreach and instead took some solitude time at a near coffee shop and just read my book. Here are some profound thoughts that I stole from its pages:

“We are disconnected from each other, and we know it. We are made for loving, deep, connected relationships with others, but we are cut off. Separated. Alone. Not only that, but we are disconnected from the earth. And we know it. Or at least we can feel it even if we don’t have words for it. Its even possible to go days without spending any significant time outside. And that’s still considered living? Our story began with humans in right relationship—in healthy, life-giving connection—with our maker. All of our other relationships flowed from the health of this one central relationship—people and God. We were connected with the earth, with each other, with God. Naked and felt no shame. Then everything goes south. We are born into today’s world into a condition of disconnection. Things were created to be a certain way, and they’re not that way, and we feel it in every fiber of our being. Its known as the ache in our bones that wont go away.”

He described a girl who is deeply connected to the world around her:

“There is a certain potency to her presence that is hard to describe. She owns no property and she lives as simply as she possibly can because she committed early in her life to give everything she had to making the world the kind of place God dreams it can be. It is a joy to be with her because everything matters in her life. Nothing is shallow or trite or superficial. She’s very funny and smart and compassionate—a real magnificent human. Because she’s been exploring her own soul for so long, she knows herself inside and out. She’s at peace, and it’s contagious. You can’t be connected with God until you’re at peace with who you are. If you’re still upset that God gave you this body or this life or this family or these circumstances, you will never be able to connect with God in a healthy, thriving, sustainable sort of way. You have to first love being exactly who God made you to be.”

I want to be that girl. I want to know myself so well and be at peace with who I am, and then contribute to making the world like God created it to be. The rest of the book just gets better and better and I just absolutely loved it.

Currently we are sitting at the lake, looking up at the mountains and enjoying/soaking in the strawberry sunset. Everyone is doing their own thing, we brought blankets to sit on the grass. I am content, but I wish I could bring a few people here to enjoy God’s sky painting with me. I miss my friends. My sister and brother. My family. I love it here and wouldn’t change what I am doing for the world, but still miss my support team.

Anyways, I hope today is well for you. I think I will spend some time just laying in the grass. Turns out, I am more of a hippie than I originally thought.

Vulnerable

Prepare yourselves for vulnerability.....You’ve been warned. This Father Heart of God week has been a week like no other. God has spoken so loudly and moved so clearly here. I think its mostly because I am really listening. We have so much time set aside for quiet times, prayer, meditation, confession, study, silence and solitude, and gospel community. It only seems logical that when following the spiritual disciplines we feel closer to God. This morning started a day that I will not soon forget. One of the most awesome revelations of the Lord’s presence. We were asked to meet earlier than usual, at 7AM in the worship center. Jeff did a quick talk, leaving us with three questions to meditate on in silence during our hour long quiet time. We were asked to hash things out with God asking Him to reveal the answers to each question as they pertained to our personal lives. These questions were: 1. What sins/strongholds am I allowing to exist in my life that is robbing me of Gods love and true freedom? 2. Do I have any hurts and wounds in my life that need the healing of the Father? 3. Is there an area in my life that I need to expose and confess? (We were taught yesterday that the first step to healing is to expose and confess our sins, both to Christ and to others for accountability. It was powerful.) So as I made my way to my favorite place for quiet times, (the place outside where I can see both the lake and the mountains) I began to seek the Lords answers to these questions in my life. I started just by praying that he would reveal His answers to me, and then I just started typing everything that came to my mind. It was really interesting to see the things that God opened my eyes to. The “bricks” in the wall that I had put up against God in order that I might not get hurt were starting to be exposed. Among many usual things, pride and unbelief surfaced, and most importantly--spiritual adultery. I love things on this earth more, or as much as I love God. Not okay. He quietly walked me through the events of my life, triggering emotions at the things and situations that still needed His healing. We learned on Tuesday that healing is the absence of pain, not the absence of memory. It shocked me which events still pulled a trigger in my heart, it wasn’t the ones I would have expected. After the hour, I read over what I had written and learned a lot about myself that I didn’t know before. It was so weird…and so awesome. Let me interject by saying that there is only one thing that I told God I would not give up when starting YWAM. We had a day last week where we filled out a confession card, promising that we would hand everything over to the Lord, and I just quietly slipped the card into my bible, knowing that signing it would be a lie. Earlier in the week when I began to feel a tug on my heart to let go, I basically faced God stubbornly and said that if he wanted me to give up the one thing I held more valuable than Him, that he was going to need to tell me point blank. None of this, ‘here is a thought’ crap because I can easily rationalize that into something from my flesh. I wrote all these commands I wanted God to fulfill in my journal. How naïve of me. It seems like an easy decision…choosing God or sin, but in my head it is not easy. My thoughts are constantly at war as to what I was supposed to do. And where God would whisper, Satan would shout. I believed the enemy’s lie for far too long. Anyways this morning, out of no where, all of these feelings of bitterness and abandonment surfaced. I told God that I felt alone, and that it wasn’t fair that he couldn’t hold me physically like the Father He says He is. I needed physical touch. I told God it was too hard to rely on His love from words alone. Well, God heard me. We met back in the worship center, and had a time of confession when we were able to share with a group what God had put on our hearts. Things that hold us in captivity, strongholds in our lives, sins we are holding on to. We were just able to spill onto an open and loving canvas what God was doing in our hearts out loud as we verbally processed through it. It was like Tearfest 2010. Everyone was so honest and so broken. After that we were asked to pray for one another and here is where God decided to show up and rock my world. Just to let you know, I listened to a Matt Chandler sermon this morning on my walk, my new favorite called “Three Streams.” Things that he had said, verses he had referenced were all spoken again during this time which was the first evidence that God was there and had something to say. Anyways, as I confessed my sin out loud to the Lord in my own little corner, our speaker Jeff, came over to me (of all people) and said: “I don’t know why, but I feel like there is one thing that you are not giving up. Your dependency on that thing is robbing you of a real intimate relationship with God. I think that you need to say out loud the one thing that you are refusing to say right now.” WOAH. Punch me in the stomach why don’t you? I hadn’t even mentioned anything about that, other than writing those words in my journal not even a week ago. He asked if I would hand over to God what I was holding so tightly in my clinched fist, because He told me it is breaking my back. I wept. He was right, and God was there. Embarrased, I spoke aloud the sins that were choking the life out of me. He then asked me if he could pray for me, and randomly enough opened his arms and said “Come here.” He hugged me in his arms, like a father, and spoke wisdom into my life about how Jesus loved me. He told me how God was so proud of me for surrendering my heart to Him, and how God had been yearning for my whole heart for a long time. That he was broken for me when I was hurting. He told me that God was different than all the people in my life that had let me down or abandoned me. He hugged me for a good 5 minutes which is a long time for a random man to be hugging you, especially given my history. But I have never felt more loved. I have never felt love like that from a man. It was not creepy, I know it was just God loving me through him. His prayers for me sounded like begging. I think God genuinely put a fatherly broken heart in him for me for those 5 minutes. I have never known what that feels like. I don’t know how to explain the peace I felt after this. My body ached from exhaustion, and if anybody knows me, they know I HATE crying in public. Or just crying in general. But I felt light. I felt like the world had been lifted off of my shoulders. For the first time in a long time, I FELT the love of God. And I know this journey towards healing will not be an easy one, but I KNOW it will be worth it. God has continued throughout the rest of the day to affirm me of my decision. I feel like I can really rest, in a season where I have experienced none of that. I have been so exhausted lately and mostly because I have been wrestling in the spiritual realm. Constantly warring thoughts of flesh versus thoughts of spirit. Today, it is rainy and not sunny. It is cold. It is not a perfect day. Things are still hard, and things still hurt. I will still feel lonely from time to time. I will still struggle through my sin. But today I KNOW that there is a way of escape. Today I got a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. And it was so worth it. God is so good, and even when He seems so distant, in reality, He is right behind you, just waiting for you to get over yourself and turn around. For me, it took another person verbally telling me to turn around. Maybe it wont be so hard for you? Maybe just listen to His voice and turn around on your own. That’d prolly require less tears from you. Tonight Becca is here, in Denver. What perfect timing! I am beyond words excited. I cannot wait to tell her about the freedom I have felt today, because I know she will rejoice with me. She knows this glimpse of freedom from captivity, and I cannot wait for the hug from her and cant wait to laugh together. I am so ready to feel comfortable with someone who REALLY knows me and gets me. I cant wait for her blunt remarks, and her sassy sense of humor. I cannot wait to see one of my best friends who has known me at my best and has known me at my worst, and has loved me despite it all. 2 hours and counting! Know today that the God we serve is so good. SO SO VERY GOOD. And he LOVES US, and he is NEAR.

The Father Heart of God

This week at YWAM is labeled “The Father Heart of God.” That concept in itself is hard for me to understand. Anyways its all about God’s loving and relentless pursuit of us, and our response to that love. Our speaker is explosive and cuts straight to the core. Here are some excerpts of the notes I took in our morning sessions: There has been a war for the affections of our heart. Whatever you give your heart completely to (that is not God) will eventually devour you. God desires your whole heart, but so often we give pieces of it to other people and things leaving our hearts broken and shattered. God is wanting to gather up the pieces, put them back together, and bring them to Himself. God is about your hearts, he is looking for a heart that is completely His. He is looking for whole-hearted passionate devotion, a people that will be wholly His. Passion is the essential energy of the soul. Passion is not just a feeling. It is a collision of the mind and the heart. The mind is where we reason, and the heart is where we have revelation. When reason and revelation collide it produces passion. The greatest commandment is love the Lord your god with all your heart, soul, mind, strength (with an all consuming passion). If loving God this way is the greatest commandment, then it must follow that NOT loving Him in this way is the greatest sin. Our greatest need is to be loved, therefore our greatest fear is to be rejected. Jesus knew to make it in this life that the pinnacle is to be passionate about God. God has already answered this prayer. You don’t need to pray for a greater passion for God, because you already possess it. How come I don’t feel it? We often live lives that are spiritually asleep. Our prayer for this week is that God may give us hearts that are awake, alive, and free. Which is why God says “Awake oh sleeper..” Jesus prayed that we would love him more than anything because he knew that there would be a war for our affections. Secondly because Jesus knew that passion for Him would awaken in others their need for God more than anything else. MAIN POINT: WE CAN ONLY HAVE AS MUCH AFFECTION AND PASSION FOR GOD AS WE REALIZE HE HAS FOR US. (1 John 4:19) He went on to talk about the different ways that God loves us; Gods many faces of passion. Footnotes: Ephesians 3:17-19 “I pray that you being rooted and established in love may have power together with all the saints to grasp how wide, long, deep, and high is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Paul is basically saying: “I am praying that you will be ceased by the power of his obsession with you and will be transformed.” God is love. Every way to love was his idea. If we are hurt in one of the love types, it can affect how we do or don’t receive love. Romance and passion was God’s idea. WAYS GOD LOVES US: Lover and Bridegroom: John 3:29; Matthew 25:1 John 3:29 “The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete.” Philippeans 3:4 “He took on the clothing of humanity…” (The king and the poor maiden girl story) What he couldn’t win by power, he won by suffering. Have you experienced his passionate love in your HEART, not just your mind? We need to see God’s gaze and have it penetrate our hearts. This week is about bride preparation. We need to prepare our hearts for Jesus, so that we can give him what he died for on the cross. Husband: Isaiah 54:5 Isaiah 54:5 “For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.” Until we learn to experience his love for us, our love for others will be subtle manipulation because we will try to get them to fulfill these needs that only God can satisfy. Sometimes he lessens our attachment to people in order to attach us to HIM. Sometimes we associate God with the intimacy of friends, but it is not the same. Friend: Proverbs 18:24 Proverbs 18:24 “There is one who sticks closer than a brother.” The deep need that we have for companionship, that is intimacy that God can provide for us. Mother: Isaiah 49:14-16 Isaiah 49:14-16 Even the love of a mother is displayed in God. Father: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4; Matthew 6:9 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” We comfort others with the same comfort we ourselves receive from God. You cant comfort others with comfort you have not received from God. We cannot give what we do not have. This will free us from a life of performance and trying to prove that we are worth something to others by what we do. We need to stop trying so hard and understand that: WE NEED TO BECOME ACQUAINTED WITH A LIFESTYLE OF BROKENNESS IN ORDER FOR US TO BE ALIVE TO THE LOVE OF GOD. Brokenness: knowing what our sins still do to the heart of God, (bring him pain and break his heart) and knowing my need for God and others. God lives in honest relationships too. We need God and we need each other. At the end of the session he showed a video that represents our brokenness, and Gods loving pursuit of our ultimate happiness. Just as this father longs to see his son smile, so our Father in heaven longs to see us joyful in Him. He is in relentless pursuit of our hearts. What will your response be?