Things happening in my world right now would include a lot of self-examination and self-realization, which I do not particularly love. It’s such a drag to discover that you are worse than you originally thought. I like to think of myself as a very self aware human being, but apparently I am a never ending pit of crazy and so there is always more to learn. One of the primary ways God is teaching me is by putting me in vulnerable situations where I have to face my insecurities head on. This I hate. Another more gentle approach is by letting my littlest sister speak directly into my life.
Some days I feel like my thoughts are a pre-school classroom. There’s paste and glue everywhere and its snack time and the kids are pulling each other’s hair and screaming at the top of their lungs and the shy kid just wet himself and is running down the hallway pants-less. These are the perks of being me.
There are two “learned-about-myself” issues to be noted here.
First, I have a chronic need to verbalize what is in my head because my thoughts get trapped up there and then are subsequently twisted and usually over exaggerated. Generally speaking, my mind’s inner voice is debilitating and accusatory - much more offensive than I would ever be.
Secondly (and this makes it fun) - I am IN EVERY WAY an auditory learner, which means that I cannot rationally or realistically understand any subject matter whatsoever without hearing it.
The problem is that I need to get my thoughts out of the captivity of my head but am unable to process them unless I HEAR MYSELF say them out loud. The bigger and more pressing problem is that I need someone to sit with me and be a soundboard for this deafening progression. Lucky (read: unfortunately) for Brittney, she is the usual go-to.
Only after verbally processing through how I “feel” can I finally HEAR myself and sort through what is true and what is absolutely NOT true or idiotic even. Brittney laughs because I legitimately do not know what I think until I have said it. It’s reversed from how normal, less insane people function and handle things. I enter these conversations, usually irrationally and emotionally, and completely blind to how they end. Here is an important place to mention the absolute suckfest it is to be overly dramatic by nature.
By the time I have finished my monologue, I usually have come to a pretty logical conclusion on my own; able to trade what I feel for what I know. The fact that this happens is because Jesus is still in the miracle business. It is certainly how Olympians must feel when they win gold by default because the projected winner blew it. These are identical scenarios. Just when you think its over and all is lost - BOOM - it isn't. At that time, after all the talking, I ask Brittney for her opinion because I actually need to hear her say that I am not a hopeless case. And SOMETIMES I even actually want her advice.
The verbal processing, it saves me. It saves me despite the fact that it's not my favorite thing about myself. I wish that I could skip the vulnerability altogether and that truths could just magically assemble themselves internally. But alas, that is not the case with me.
I am SO trying to show myself radical grace in the thick of my own defeat, because how dare I rob my transformed heart of the mercy Jesus won for me already. I am trying to celebrate that although it’s a messy journey and I’d much prefer a different route, I do get there. I do finally believe Jesus in the end, and the truth transforms me. I am trying to laugh in the heat of my verbal battle with myself; to accept that this too is a gift. Laughter is a small victory for me and deserves recognition, because there is always something worthy to rejoice over if we are brave enough to live like that.
As God is continuing to reveal vulnerable parts of myself to me, I want to call forth everything good, brave, and merciful about his creative design of me and let grace fill in all the cracks and spaces.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
Right Now
I didn't sleep at all last week. Some fresh desperation meets you on the third night in a row that you've stared 3AM in the face. Anyone who knows anything about me knows how important sleep is to my personal well being and sanity. Last week, though, sleep evaded me.
In light of my insomnia, I took advantage of being awake alone in the watches of the night to spend some time with the God who doesn't sleep. That is the only comfort to be found at that hour, by the way. For some reason God wanted my attention last week, when there was no one and nothing to distract me besides the quiet sound of my fan and Brittney's deep rhythmic breathing.
I've always known life was funny, but sometimes it sneaks up on me and gives me something I didn't even know I wanted. And I have always planned for my life to be an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced fully, but it is still surprising when all my little moments turn into days and months stringing together the story that God has written for me. Right now, today, my life is exploding with energy and power and detail and dimension and a lot of laughter. I have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, and dreams worth walking towards.
This season, for me, is full of newness and joy but also a heavy realization of my desperation for Jesus and a fresh awareness of the tear in my soul that only He fills. On one hand, this season is like childhood all over again, so full of life and potential and possibility. My days often look like trips to play in the park or jumping on trampolines or running as fast as I can. And on the other hand, these same days are marked with a seriousness about my pursuit of God amidst it all. It seems like the Lord is constantly reminding me that my heart absolutely refuses to fulfilled by anything other than Him. He knows of my deep tendency to forsake Him for his gifts. How loving it is for him to demand my attention, even at 3AM - that I might not fall captive to the lie that anything is better than God.
John Piper says it like this: “Devote yourself with all your mind, all your heart, and all your strength to pursuing your joy and satisfaction in God. Keep pursuing the enlargement and the intensification and the deepening of your joy so hard, that that joy in Christ can be shaken by no pain, and can be COMPETED WITH BY NO PLEASURE. That’s our goal. God is most glorified in you, when you are most satisfied in Him."
Being in a relationship is very much like having a magnifying glass up to everything that you hate about yourself. My whole life I've caught myself expecting someone to say or do something that will quiet my ache for intimacy just outside my experiential realm. I have often spent valuable time in friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough they wont leave; fearing that it's only a matter of time before they figure me out and go. I've wanted some experience, some adventure, some person to fulfill the yearning that only an infinite God is capable of. It is the biggest lie that I have believed and the most crippling struggle that haunts my past. Yet, today, God is frankly forbidding it - and I am so grateful - but it feels a lot like getting disciplined and being told "no" a lot which thankfully leads me to search for the "yes" found only at the cross.
Change is one of God's greatest gifts, and most useful tools for sanctification in my life. I forget that. It pushes and pulls me, rebukes and remakes me, moves me across the country and back. God has used monumental change in the last 6 months to show me who I have become, in all the best ways and all the worst ways. I want to press in, to not run away, to breathe in the joy that I get to walk in right now. To celebrate and dance and laugh hard and play the music loud with the windows down, and squeeze all the life out of right now. Because its worth it and because I know it won't always be this way. Today is such a good gift and I want to operate in that reality.
But although my todays are often glowing and bright and supple and rich, they are not without the rooted grounding of the truth that God's approval of me in Christ allows me to enjoy each minute fully. I want to never lose sight of the God who is my supreme happiness. Only one love meets all loves, is all love, and fulfills all love. However, I want God, like Shauna Niequist says "to be glad He gave life to someone who loves the gift." Ah, to drink deeply of the fullness, the failure, and the feelings of this season stretching on before me right now.
In light of my insomnia, I took advantage of being awake alone in the watches of the night to spend some time with the God who doesn't sleep. That is the only comfort to be found at that hour, by the way. For some reason God wanted my attention last week, when there was no one and nothing to distract me besides the quiet sound of my fan and Brittney's deep rhythmic breathing.
I've always known life was funny, but sometimes it sneaks up on me and gives me something I didn't even know I wanted. And I have always planned for my life to be an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced fully, but it is still surprising when all my little moments turn into days and months stringing together the story that God has written for me. Right now, today, my life is exploding with energy and power and detail and dimension and a lot of laughter. I have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, and dreams worth walking towards.
This season, for me, is full of newness and joy but also a heavy realization of my desperation for Jesus and a fresh awareness of the tear in my soul that only He fills. On one hand, this season is like childhood all over again, so full of life and potential and possibility. My days often look like trips to play in the park or jumping on trampolines or running as fast as I can. And on the other hand, these same days are marked with a seriousness about my pursuit of God amidst it all. It seems like the Lord is constantly reminding me that my heart absolutely refuses to fulfilled by anything other than Him. He knows of my deep tendency to forsake Him for his gifts. How loving it is for him to demand my attention, even at 3AM - that I might not fall captive to the lie that anything is better than God.
John Piper says it like this: “Devote yourself with all your mind, all your heart, and all your strength to pursuing your joy and satisfaction in God. Keep pursuing the enlargement and the intensification and the deepening of your joy so hard, that that joy in Christ can be shaken by no pain, and can be COMPETED WITH BY NO PLEASURE. That’s our goal. God is most glorified in you, when you are most satisfied in Him."
Being in a relationship is very much like having a magnifying glass up to everything that you hate about yourself. My whole life I've caught myself expecting someone to say or do something that will quiet my ache for intimacy just outside my experiential realm. I have often spent valuable time in friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough they wont leave; fearing that it's only a matter of time before they figure me out and go. I've wanted some experience, some adventure, some person to fulfill the yearning that only an infinite God is capable of. It is the biggest lie that I have believed and the most crippling struggle that haunts my past. Yet, today, God is frankly forbidding it - and I am so grateful - but it feels a lot like getting disciplined and being told "no" a lot which thankfully leads me to search for the "yes" found only at the cross.
Change is one of God's greatest gifts, and most useful tools for sanctification in my life. I forget that. It pushes and pulls me, rebukes and remakes me, moves me across the country and back. God has used monumental change in the last 6 months to show me who I have become, in all the best ways and all the worst ways. I want to press in, to not run away, to breathe in the joy that I get to walk in right now. To celebrate and dance and laugh hard and play the music loud with the windows down, and squeeze all the life out of right now. Because its worth it and because I know it won't always be this way. Today is such a good gift and I want to operate in that reality.
But although my todays are often glowing and bright and supple and rich, they are not without the rooted grounding of the truth that God's approval of me in Christ allows me to enjoy each minute fully. I want to never lose sight of the God who is my supreme happiness. Only one love meets all loves, is all love, and fulfills all love. However, I want God, like Shauna Niequist says "to be glad He gave life to someone who loves the gift." Ah, to drink deeply of the fullness, the failure, and the feelings of this season stretching on before me right now.
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