Things happening in my world right now would include a lot of self-examination and self-realization, which I do not particularly love. It’s such a drag to discover that you are worse than you originally thought. I like to think of myself as a very self aware human being, but apparently I am a never ending pit of crazy and so there is always more to learn. One of the primary ways God is teaching me is by putting me in vulnerable situations where I have to face my insecurities head on. This I hate. Another more gentle approach is by letting my littlest sister speak directly into my life.
Some days I feel like my thoughts are a pre-school classroom. There’s paste and glue everywhere and its snack time and the kids are pulling each other’s hair and screaming at the top of their lungs and the shy kid just wet himself and is running down the hallway pants-less. These are the perks of being me.
There are two “learned-about-myself” issues to be noted here.
First, I have a chronic need to verbalize what is in my head because my thoughts get trapped up there and then are subsequently twisted and usually over exaggerated. Generally speaking, my mind’s inner voice is debilitating and accusatory - much more offensive than I would ever be.
Secondly (and this makes it fun) - I am IN EVERY WAY an auditory learner, which means that I cannot rationally or realistically understand any subject matter whatsoever without hearing it.
The problem is that I need to get my thoughts out of the captivity of my head but am unable to process them unless I HEAR MYSELF say them out loud. The bigger and more pressing problem is that I need someone to sit with me and be a soundboard for this deafening progression. Lucky (read: unfortunately) for Brittney, she is the usual go-to.
Only after verbally processing through how I “feel” can I finally HEAR myself and sort through what is true and what is absolutely NOT true or idiotic even. Brittney laughs because I legitimately do not know what I think until I have said it. It’s reversed from how normal, less insane people function and handle things. I enter these conversations, usually irrationally and emotionally, and completely blind to how they end. Here is an important place to mention the absolute suckfest it is to be overly dramatic by nature.
By the time I have finished my monologue, I usually have come to a pretty logical conclusion on my own; able to trade what I feel for what I know. The fact that this happens is because Jesus is still in the miracle business. It is certainly how Olympians must feel when they win gold by default because the projected winner blew it. These are identical scenarios. Just when you think its over and all is lost - BOOM - it isn't. At that time, after all the talking, I ask Brittney for her opinion because I actually need to hear her say that I am not a hopeless case. And SOMETIMES I even actually want her advice.
The verbal processing, it saves me. It saves me despite the fact that it's not my favorite thing about myself. I wish that I could skip the vulnerability altogether and that truths could just magically assemble themselves internally. But alas, that is not the case with me.
I am SO trying to show myself radical grace in the thick of my own defeat, because how dare I rob my transformed heart of the mercy Jesus won for me already. I am trying to celebrate that although it’s a messy journey and I’d much prefer a different route, I do get there. I do finally believe Jesus in the end, and the truth transforms me. I am trying to laugh in the heat of my verbal battle with myself; to accept that this too is a gift. Laughter is a small victory for me and deserves recognition, because there is always something worthy to rejoice over if we are brave enough to live like that.
As God is continuing to reveal vulnerable parts of myself to me, I want to call forth everything good, brave, and merciful about his creative design of me and let grace fill in all the cracks and spaces.
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