Emotional Rollercoaster

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster much like the physical experience of riding the Titan at Six Flags over Texas. I tried so hard to insert the video of me and Meg on the Titan, and failed. To explain…just the course of today has provided loops, hills, and drops. I find it very unnerving that my emotions can go from such one extreme to another so fast.

This morning I woke up a little late, just in time to get some breakfast before they cleaned up…waking up late always throws me a little off. Its just so dang cozy in my sleeping bag and, so dang cold outside of it. So I was already uncomfortable, much like putting that stupid harness on at the beginning of the ride. Anyways, I fled to breakfast to grab something quick and started my quiet time. Currently I am reading through the book of Isaiah, which is challenging and rewarding at the same time. I always feel rushed in my hour-long quiet time, which is saying a lot for how much I thirst for words from God. I just feel so peaceful when it is just me and Him and the mountains.

I feel like that is the time when I am most myself. Could be because that is how God created me. Living in constant community does have one downfall: the constant yearning for time alone. The older I get, the more I crave time by myself. 15 year old Ally would punch me in the mouth if she heard me say that, she would prolly call the current 22 year old Ally lame.

We had our final lesson on Relationships, and to be honest I am glad this week is over. A lot of the teaching was things I had heard before, and considering I am no where close to starting a relationship with a boy and essentially against dating altogether, I felt like it was all pocket knowledge…things to be stored in my mental capacity and pulled out later when applicable. Don’t get me wrong.

I needed to hear these things for future reference.

After the lesson this morning we split up into groups, either all boys or all girls. Quickly the time became more of a confession of individual struggles. I was quiet. I gladly gave my input of advice, but genuinely couldn’t think of anything that I was majorly struggling with. I felt happy. I really thanked God for putting me on this temporary mountain-top. I was filled with gratitude from where he has brought me. I made the mistake yesterday of reading my journal from the past few months when I was really hurting, but at this moment I was just so thankful that God had been faithful to see me through the heartache and desperation that February-June brought with it.

After that I was in a zone of my own. I was literally sitting at a lunch table with 10 people, but it was just me. I spaced out majorly, just in deep thought. Erin asked me if I was okay because everyone who knows me knows that I wear my emotions on my face, and I quickly responded with yes, because truthfully I was fine…but I realized at that point, 30 minutes into lunch, that there were other people at my table. These people had been having a conversation that I was totally oblivious to, and apparently I wasn’t answering their questions. Black out.

At this point, I let my guard down and Satan came with fury. I just felt alone. No, Satan told me I was alone, and I failed to capture and challenge that thought with truth. I had been quiet all morning, due to feeling good about the place I was in, but I also realized again that I have so much trouble letting my guard down with people. I would so much rather pull out my handy dandy advice booklet than spill my innermost thoughts on the table with strangers. “Strangers” was a harsh word, seeing that I have lived with these people for a month now, but still I do not feel totally comfortable being brutally honest. So I just felt alone, and I wanted to be that way. I wanted to go running, get away, go out in nature on my own and just deal with myself. I laughed out loud slash cringed when I realized this, because I so often try and tell other people that they cant do life on their own. Gospel community is so important. Dang it.

During our time of reflection, which we get the privilege of having every Thursday, the first song that came on my iPod was “Meteor Shower” by Owl City. It’s the song they played at every session of Passion 2010 back in January. Next came “We know where the Spirit of the Lord is.” I mean cripes. I got really sad then, teared up even. Passion was the best time of my life. I would easily say that Passion week was Top 5 favorite times ever. All kidding aside. I was with my best friends, and completely content. I had my sister on hand, and I stayed up until 4am every night just talking about God and how great and big He was. I felt comfortable, and I remember distinctly feeling loved. I realized at this point how much I really miss my sister. And I really miss my friends so so much. And while the truth of the matter is: I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now, the emotions and feelings still remain that I MISS my friends.

You know the time when rollercoasters come to a tragic halt, kind of slinging you forward in your seat only to bang your collar bones on the safety harness? That’s where I am now. God brought me to a painful halt. A tragic realization that I have nothing to complain about, and maybe I should take some of the advice that I dished out this morning and apply it to myself. Maybe I need to sit back and remember how lucky I am to be where I am. Maybe I need to recall the time I spent this morning praising God’s name for bringing me out of the miry pit.

All of this leads me to my conclusion: My emotions are not dependable. They actually suck. My feelings keep me constantly guessing. So I am choosing today not to stand on emotion, and instead stand on truth. This is the truth that I know today: God loves me. God has done SO much to bless my life. Not only does he love me, but he KNOWS me in and out. He knew I would be messy, an emotional rollercoaster, and so extremely prone to wander. That was the whole point of the cross, that I am going to fail and stumble and feel unworthy. The cross is this mighty picture of His love and pursuit of me DESPITE me. This idea creates gratitude, and an overwhelming amount of peace that transcends whatever the devil can throw at me today.

So in response, I am saying “Bring it on Satan. Sign me up for every emotional rollercoaster you have in store for me, because the truth of the matter is: no loop, no drop-off, and no hilltop experience can rob me of the truth that GOD KNOWS AND LOVES ME, and HE IS FOR ME. God is closer than my thoughts and promises to NEVER leave or abandon me. This remains true even when I feel completely alone.

Update From Eagle Rock

This week we are learning about "Relationships" First with God, then with others. They started talking about having a correct view of yourself being important in any relationship, which I totally agree with. I was having a heart to heart with Hannah, and out of no where the Holy Spirit said through me: "If you believe that God is God and that He is without a shadow of a doubt WHO He says He is, then you have to believe that YOU ARE WHO HE SAYS YOU ARE. Which is holy and dearly beloved. If you think anything else about yourself, you are calling God a liar or telling Him that He messed up which would rob him from being God." We just looked at each other and were like...that was profound. Which is why I knew it was NOT from me. I dont even know where it came from....well yes I do..the Holy Spirit. But how true huh? Also this morning, during the talk about the relationship with God, our speaker quoted 'The Shack' to which my response was a mild freak out! My favorite quote from that book...or at least top 5:

"The problem is that many people try to grasp some sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can perceive, which often isn’t much, and then call that God. And while it may seem like a noble effort, it falls pitifully short of who I really am. I’m not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more than that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think."

Note to self: stop putting God in a box. He is bigger and better than anything I could ever ask or imagine. Let Him wow me.

The first question our speaker asked us this week was: "What is something that you REALLY want?" My answer immediately popped out of my mouth before he asked us to vocalize it, but I just blurted out "I want a life of adventure, where Christ can use me however He wants and I won't ever get bored." My team laughed, knowing me and the absolute honesty behind that statement, but that really is what I want. I also said that I would like someone to do it with me. Maybe a husband, or just a friend. He told me God was already doing it with me. That's legit. I realized that I really do feel like I am getting adventure here, and I am rarely bored. God is so sovereign in placing me here, and He seems near. Its so good for my soul.

Sunset Thoughts

Its been a while since I blogged, and I apologize, it just seems like I am pouring out my thoughts all the time, they just don’t happen to be on the Internet. YWAM is emotionally draining, and emotionally edifying at the same time.

On Wednesday I skipped Denver community outreach and instead took some solitude time at a near coffee shop and just read my book. Here are some profound thoughts that I stole from its pages:

“We are disconnected from each other, and we know it. We are made for loving, deep, connected relationships with others, but we are cut off. Separated. Alone. Not only that, but we are disconnected from the earth. And we know it. Or at least we can feel it even if we don’t have words for it. Its even possible to go days without spending any significant time outside. And that’s still considered living? Our story began with humans in right relationship—in healthy, life-giving connection—with our maker. All of our other relationships flowed from the health of this one central relationship—people and God. We were connected with the earth, with each other, with God. Naked and felt no shame. Then everything goes south. We are born into today’s world into a condition of disconnection. Things were created to be a certain way, and they’re not that way, and we feel it in every fiber of our being. Its known as the ache in our bones that wont go away.”

He described a girl who is deeply connected to the world around her:

“There is a certain potency to her presence that is hard to describe. She owns no property and she lives as simply as she possibly can because she committed early in her life to give everything she had to making the world the kind of place God dreams it can be. It is a joy to be with her because everything matters in her life. Nothing is shallow or trite or superficial. She’s very funny and smart and compassionate—a real magnificent human. Because she’s been exploring her own soul for so long, she knows herself inside and out. She’s at peace, and it’s contagious. You can’t be connected with God until you’re at peace with who you are. If you’re still upset that God gave you this body or this life or this family or these circumstances, you will never be able to connect with God in a healthy, thriving, sustainable sort of way. You have to first love being exactly who God made you to be.”

I want to be that girl. I want to know myself so well and be at peace with who I am, and then contribute to making the world like God created it to be. The rest of the book just gets better and better and I just absolutely loved it.

Currently we are sitting at the lake, looking up at the mountains and enjoying/soaking in the strawberry sunset. Everyone is doing their own thing, we brought blankets to sit on the grass. I am content, but I wish I could bring a few people here to enjoy God’s sky painting with me. I miss my friends. My sister and brother. My family. I love it here and wouldn’t change what I am doing for the world, but still miss my support team.

Anyways, I hope today is well for you. I think I will spend some time just laying in the grass. Turns out, I am more of a hippie than I originally thought.

Vulnerable

Prepare yourselves for vulnerability.....You’ve been warned. This Father Heart of God week has been a week like no other. God has spoken so loudly and moved so clearly here. I think its mostly because I am really listening. We have so much time set aside for quiet times, prayer, meditation, confession, study, silence and solitude, and gospel community. It only seems logical that when following the spiritual disciplines we feel closer to God. This morning started a day that I will not soon forget. One of the most awesome revelations of the Lord’s presence. We were asked to meet earlier than usual, at 7AM in the worship center. Jeff did a quick talk, leaving us with three questions to meditate on in silence during our hour long quiet time. We were asked to hash things out with God asking Him to reveal the answers to each question as they pertained to our personal lives. These questions were: 1. What sins/strongholds am I allowing to exist in my life that is robbing me of Gods love and true freedom? 2. Do I have any hurts and wounds in my life that need the healing of the Father? 3. Is there an area in my life that I need to expose and confess? (We were taught yesterday that the first step to healing is to expose and confess our sins, both to Christ and to others for accountability. It was powerful.) So as I made my way to my favorite place for quiet times, (the place outside where I can see both the lake and the mountains) I began to seek the Lords answers to these questions in my life. I started just by praying that he would reveal His answers to me, and then I just started typing everything that came to my mind. It was really interesting to see the things that God opened my eyes to. The “bricks” in the wall that I had put up against God in order that I might not get hurt were starting to be exposed. Among many usual things, pride and unbelief surfaced, and most importantly--spiritual adultery. I love things on this earth more, or as much as I love God. Not okay. He quietly walked me through the events of my life, triggering emotions at the things and situations that still needed His healing. We learned on Tuesday that healing is the absence of pain, not the absence of memory. It shocked me which events still pulled a trigger in my heart, it wasn’t the ones I would have expected. After the hour, I read over what I had written and learned a lot about myself that I didn’t know before. It was so weird…and so awesome. Let me interject by saying that there is only one thing that I told God I would not give up when starting YWAM. We had a day last week where we filled out a confession card, promising that we would hand everything over to the Lord, and I just quietly slipped the card into my bible, knowing that signing it would be a lie. Earlier in the week when I began to feel a tug on my heart to let go, I basically faced God stubbornly and said that if he wanted me to give up the one thing I held more valuable than Him, that he was going to need to tell me point blank. None of this, ‘here is a thought’ crap because I can easily rationalize that into something from my flesh. I wrote all these commands I wanted God to fulfill in my journal. How naïve of me. It seems like an easy decision…choosing God or sin, but in my head it is not easy. My thoughts are constantly at war as to what I was supposed to do. And where God would whisper, Satan would shout. I believed the enemy’s lie for far too long. Anyways this morning, out of no where, all of these feelings of bitterness and abandonment surfaced. I told God that I felt alone, and that it wasn’t fair that he couldn’t hold me physically like the Father He says He is. I needed physical touch. I told God it was too hard to rely on His love from words alone. Well, God heard me. We met back in the worship center, and had a time of confession when we were able to share with a group what God had put on our hearts. Things that hold us in captivity, strongholds in our lives, sins we are holding on to. We were just able to spill onto an open and loving canvas what God was doing in our hearts out loud as we verbally processed through it. It was like Tearfest 2010. Everyone was so honest and so broken. After that we were asked to pray for one another and here is where God decided to show up and rock my world. Just to let you know, I listened to a Matt Chandler sermon this morning on my walk, my new favorite called “Three Streams.” Things that he had said, verses he had referenced were all spoken again during this time which was the first evidence that God was there and had something to say. Anyways, as I confessed my sin out loud to the Lord in my own little corner, our speaker Jeff, came over to me (of all people) and said: “I don’t know why, but I feel like there is one thing that you are not giving up. Your dependency on that thing is robbing you of a real intimate relationship with God. I think that you need to say out loud the one thing that you are refusing to say right now.” WOAH. Punch me in the stomach why don’t you? I hadn’t even mentioned anything about that, other than writing those words in my journal not even a week ago. He asked if I would hand over to God what I was holding so tightly in my clinched fist, because He told me it is breaking my back. I wept. He was right, and God was there. Embarrased, I spoke aloud the sins that were choking the life out of me. He then asked me if he could pray for me, and randomly enough opened his arms and said “Come here.” He hugged me in his arms, like a father, and spoke wisdom into my life about how Jesus loved me. He told me how God was so proud of me for surrendering my heart to Him, and how God had been yearning for my whole heart for a long time. That he was broken for me when I was hurting. He told me that God was different than all the people in my life that had let me down or abandoned me. He hugged me for a good 5 minutes which is a long time for a random man to be hugging you, especially given my history. But I have never felt more loved. I have never felt love like that from a man. It was not creepy, I know it was just God loving me through him. His prayers for me sounded like begging. I think God genuinely put a fatherly broken heart in him for me for those 5 minutes. I have never known what that feels like. I don’t know how to explain the peace I felt after this. My body ached from exhaustion, and if anybody knows me, they know I HATE crying in public. Or just crying in general. But I felt light. I felt like the world had been lifted off of my shoulders. For the first time in a long time, I FELT the love of God. And I know this journey towards healing will not be an easy one, but I KNOW it will be worth it. God has continued throughout the rest of the day to affirm me of my decision. I feel like I can really rest, in a season where I have experienced none of that. I have been so exhausted lately and mostly because I have been wrestling in the spiritual realm. Constantly warring thoughts of flesh versus thoughts of spirit. Today, it is rainy and not sunny. It is cold. It is not a perfect day. Things are still hard, and things still hurt. I will still feel lonely from time to time. I will still struggle through my sin. But today I KNOW that there is a way of escape. Today I got a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. And it was so worth it. God is so good, and even when He seems so distant, in reality, He is right behind you, just waiting for you to get over yourself and turn around. For me, it took another person verbally telling me to turn around. Maybe it wont be so hard for you? Maybe just listen to His voice and turn around on your own. That’d prolly require less tears from you. Tonight Becca is here, in Denver. What perfect timing! I am beyond words excited. I cannot wait to tell her about the freedom I have felt today, because I know she will rejoice with me. She knows this glimpse of freedom from captivity, and I cannot wait for the hug from her and cant wait to laugh together. I am so ready to feel comfortable with someone who REALLY knows me and gets me. I cant wait for her blunt remarks, and her sassy sense of humor. I cannot wait to see one of my best friends who has known me at my best and has known me at my worst, and has loved me despite it all. 2 hours and counting! Know today that the God we serve is so good. SO SO VERY GOOD. And he LOVES US, and he is NEAR.

The Father Heart of God

This week at YWAM is labeled “The Father Heart of God.” That concept in itself is hard for me to understand. Anyways its all about God’s loving and relentless pursuit of us, and our response to that love. Our speaker is explosive and cuts straight to the core. Here are some excerpts of the notes I took in our morning sessions: There has been a war for the affections of our heart. Whatever you give your heart completely to (that is not God) will eventually devour you. God desires your whole heart, but so often we give pieces of it to other people and things leaving our hearts broken and shattered. God is wanting to gather up the pieces, put them back together, and bring them to Himself. God is about your hearts, he is looking for a heart that is completely His. He is looking for whole-hearted passionate devotion, a people that will be wholly His. Passion is the essential energy of the soul. Passion is not just a feeling. It is a collision of the mind and the heart. The mind is where we reason, and the heart is where we have revelation. When reason and revelation collide it produces passion. The greatest commandment is love the Lord your god with all your heart, soul, mind, strength (with an all consuming passion). If loving God this way is the greatest commandment, then it must follow that NOT loving Him in this way is the greatest sin. Our greatest need is to be loved, therefore our greatest fear is to be rejected. Jesus knew to make it in this life that the pinnacle is to be passionate about God. God has already answered this prayer. You don’t need to pray for a greater passion for God, because you already possess it. How come I don’t feel it? We often live lives that are spiritually asleep. Our prayer for this week is that God may give us hearts that are awake, alive, and free. Which is why God says “Awake oh sleeper..” Jesus prayed that we would love him more than anything because he knew that there would be a war for our affections. Secondly because Jesus knew that passion for Him would awaken in others their need for God more than anything else. MAIN POINT: WE CAN ONLY HAVE AS MUCH AFFECTION AND PASSION FOR GOD AS WE REALIZE HE HAS FOR US. (1 John 4:19) He went on to talk about the different ways that God loves us; Gods many faces of passion. Footnotes: Ephesians 3:17-19 “I pray that you being rooted and established in love may have power together with all the saints to grasp how wide, long, deep, and high is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Paul is basically saying: “I am praying that you will be ceased by the power of his obsession with you and will be transformed.” God is love. Every way to love was his idea. If we are hurt in one of the love types, it can affect how we do or don’t receive love. Romance and passion was God’s idea. WAYS GOD LOVES US: Lover and Bridegroom: John 3:29; Matthew 25:1 John 3:29 “The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete.” Philippeans 3:4 “He took on the clothing of humanity…” (The king and the poor maiden girl story) What he couldn’t win by power, he won by suffering. Have you experienced his passionate love in your HEART, not just your mind? We need to see God’s gaze and have it penetrate our hearts. This week is about bride preparation. We need to prepare our hearts for Jesus, so that we can give him what he died for on the cross. Husband: Isaiah 54:5 Isaiah 54:5 “For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.” Until we learn to experience his love for us, our love for others will be subtle manipulation because we will try to get them to fulfill these needs that only God can satisfy. Sometimes he lessens our attachment to people in order to attach us to HIM. Sometimes we associate God with the intimacy of friends, but it is not the same. Friend: Proverbs 18:24 Proverbs 18:24 “There is one who sticks closer than a brother.” The deep need that we have for companionship, that is intimacy that God can provide for us. Mother: Isaiah 49:14-16 Isaiah 49:14-16 Even the love of a mother is displayed in God. Father: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4; Matthew 6:9 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” We comfort others with the same comfort we ourselves receive from God. You cant comfort others with comfort you have not received from God. We cannot give what we do not have. This will free us from a life of performance and trying to prove that we are worth something to others by what we do. We need to stop trying so hard and understand that: WE NEED TO BECOME ACQUAINTED WITH A LIFESTYLE OF BROKENNESS IN ORDER FOR US TO BE ALIVE TO THE LOVE OF GOD. Brokenness: knowing what our sins still do to the heart of God, (bring him pain and break his heart) and knowing my need for God and others. God lives in honest relationships too. We need God and we need each other. At the end of the session he showed a video that represents our brokenness, and Gods loving pursuit of our ultimate happiness. Just as this father longs to see his son smile, so our Father in heaven longs to see us joyful in Him. He is in relentless pursuit of our hearts. What will your response be?

The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing

Today my quiet time could not have been more spot on, seriously if it wasnt 7 in the morning I would have tears running down my cheeks. However, if you know me (Monica), you know that I am incapable of crying before noon. I am currently reading "The Pursuit of God," by AW Tozer. It is the sequel to the book I just finished called "God's Pursuit of Man." I recommend both, but first read Tozer's "The Knowledge of the Holy," because outside of the bible that book has been the most powerfully used tool to radically transform my heart. Its deep, though, so get a highlighter. I would re-type the entirety of Chapter 2 called "The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing", but since that would make for an even longer post than my normal ones, I will give you the best parts. Its still gonna be long, though, this is TOO GOOD. "In the deep heart is a shrine where none but God is worthy to come. In Genesis is the account of creation, but these are simply created 'things'. Our woes began when God was forced out of His central shrine and 'things' were allowed to enter.....Things have become necessary to us, a development never originally intended. God's gifts now take the place of God, and the whole course of nature is upset by this MONSTROUS SUBSTITUTION. ...Within each of us is also an enemy who's chief characteristic is possessiveness. To allow this enemy to live is, in the end, to lose everything. To repudiate it and give up ALL for the sake of Christ's sake is to lose nothing at last, but to preserve everything unto life eternal. ...And the only effective way to destroy this foe is the cross." Ok so there is the set-up. Tozer then accentuates the tragic searching for "God-and". "There is little we need other than God Himself. The evil habit of seeking "God-and" effectively prevents us from finding God in full revelation. In the 'and' lies our great woe. If we omit the 'and' we shall soon find God, and in Him we shall find that for which we have all our lives been secretly longing for." He goes on to give the account of Abraham and God's demand that he sacrifice his only son Isaac as an example of Abraham's idolatry of the heart. Matt Chandler always talks about how things that were originally created to be good things, turn to evil because we get possessive of them. They then risk becoming idols, overtaking the shrine that was meant only for God. Oh how I know that all too well. "From the first moment Abraham held his son, he was an eager love slave to him. The child became at once the delight and idol of his heart. God went out of his way (in the bible) to comment on this affection. ...As he watched him grow, the heart of the old man was knit closer and closer with the life of his son, till at last the relationship bordered upon the perilous. It was then that GOD STEPPED IN TO SAVE BOTH FATHER AND SON from the consequences of an uncleansed love." Abraham's son was such a blessing to him. A blessing from God. Abraham loved Isaac so well, so selflessly with the love of Christ, but he soon loved Isaac more than he loved God. I can only guess that he started caring more about Isaac's thoughts about him than God's, and wanted to spend time with Isaac more than he wanted to spend time with God. Tragic. Although I know not how it feels to idolize my child, I do know too painfully well what it means to idolize a friend, or a family member. I joked with Becca last week about how I longed for a relationship that would lead to a marriage, but then every time I ask God for that, He lovingly/sarcastically reminds me that I am still co-dependent on essentially everything that moves. My constant need for affirmation is just further proof of my deep heart disease. I then quickly change my request to something more along the lines of "Please God prepare my heart for that future relationship, and help me to be completely aware of my sin of idolatry before I even meet him. I do NOT want to struggle with co-dependency on my husband. And God, be working on his heart, because Lord knows he is gonna have to be really strong in You and equipped to deal with the train wreck that I sometimes am." Becca laughed, because she knows that is SO true. Anyways can you even imagine being asked by God to KILL the one person in the world that you love the most? Ask me to kill Brittney and see what happens. I would look at you and laugh. Talk about agony that Abraham must have been going through that night. But he was faithful, he obeyed God. "God let the suffering old man go through with it up to the point where He knew there would be no retreat, and then forbade him to lay a hand upon the boy. He now says in effect, "I only wanted to remove him from the temple of your heart that I might reign unchallenged there. I wanted to correct the perversion that existed in your love." ...Now he was a man wholly surrendered, a man utterly obedient, a man who possessed nothing. God chose to cut quickly to the heart and have it over in one sharp act of separation. It hurt cruelly, but it was effective...The sense of possession..was gone from his heart. There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things and people is one of the most harmful habits in this life. ...We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord OUT OF FEAR FOR THEIR SAFETY (that hits home bigtime). This is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not so committed. The Christian who is alive enough to know himself even slightly will recognize the symptoms of this possession malady, and will grieve to find them in his own heart. If the longing after God is strong enough within him, he will want to do something about the matter. Now what should he do? Let him trample under food every slippery trick of his deceituful heart and insist instead upon frank and open relations with the Lord. ...This ancient curse will not go out painlessly; it will not lie down and die in obedience to our command. It must be torn out of our heart like a plant from the soil; it must be extracted in agony and blood like a tooth from the jaw. It must be expelled from our soul by violence." Is it a coincidence that Matt Chandler's newest sermon is titled "When violence is OK" and it is about making war against the sins, small and large, in our lives? I think not. I think God is trying to say something here. Idolatry is a common sin, but not tolerable. We all have at one point or another taken something good and elevated it to an unhealthy level, making it in our lives more important than God. We have created an idol in our hearts and when this happens, God must painfully remove it in His MOST LOVING act. He would be unloving to let things that will never eternally satisfy us remain at the core of our being, the most important thing. He knows that HIMSELF is the only thing that reigns effectively in the 'shrine of our heart' and therefore will only let Himself fill it. He is so good for doing this, and it hurts so bad. Everything in our sinful nature wars against this idea, as we place things and people as the ultimate in our lives over and over again. Thanks to God's brilliant idea of 'free will,' (personally my portion of 'free will' is retarded in epic proportion, and I kind of wish he would have just created me naturally obedient to Him without choice) we will each get to choose either God or something else. And God will wait to be wanted. "If we would indeed know God in growing intimacy, if we are set upon the pursuit of God, He will sooner or later bring us to this test. ...So we will be brought one by one to the testing place, and we may never know when we are there. At that testing place there will be no dozen possible choices for us--just one and an alternative--but our whole future will be conditioned by the choice we make." Tozer concludes by praying: "Father I want to know You, but my cowardly heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide the terror of this parting from You. I come trembling, but I DO COME. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that You may enter and dwell there WITHOUT A RIVAL. Then You will make the place of Your feet glorious. Then my heart will have no need of the sun to shine in it, for You will be the light of it and there will be no night there. In Jesus' name, Amen." I'm with Tozer. My prayer is likewise. I love that he says, THEN his heart will have no need of the sun to shine in it, because God will be his light and where there is God there is no darkness. OH that is so glorious!! We will not need circumstances to go our way, we will not need health or wealth or affirmation--(shocking), because we will have God, and God plus nothing equals everything. That doesnt ring true in our flesh, but it must ring true in our spirit. "The man who has God for his treasure has all things in ONE. Many ordinary treasures may be denied him, or if he is allowed to have them, the enjoyment of them will be so tempered that they will never be necessary to his happiness. Or if he must see them go, one after one, he will scarcely feel a sense of loss, for having the Source of all things he has in One all satisfaction, all pleasure, all delight. Whatever he may lose he has actually lost nothing, for he now has it all in One, and he has it purely, legitimately, and forever."

Rebellion

If you know me well you know I am experiencing a sort of mini-rebellion, as my emotions have gone completely haywire with the overload of change that is going down in my life right now. I have busied myself with everything in the world to distract me from the drastic coming change. I have made 2 recent trips to the lake with the boys and Cara and Haley and we have had a blast. I am exhausted. I have been going ninety to nothing and skipping quiet times left and right, as time alone with the Lord always forces me to stop and deal with my junk which I am currently avoiding like the plague. I just did/do not want to deal with anything. I just wanted/want to "live in the moment" and do whatever made/makes me (temporarily) happy for a while. This funk has been the definition of the past week or so. That decision is stupid and does not work. It actually ends up leaving me physically full of shallow happiness and spiritually empty, lacking a deeper joy. Not to mention I get to now deal with regret, guilt, and the task of asking for forgiveness. I always feel like a dog with my tail tucked when I have to drag my idiot self back to the foot of the cross in brokenness. I do not understand my heart. Its literally got a learning disability I think. God has taught me the same lessons repetitively and still I cant completely grasp it. I am still a kid at heart, and I need all the help I can get. The fact that Christ welcomes me back again and again with open arms makes me tear up, and makes the hairs on my arms stand at attention like tiny army soldiers. If I was God, I would have given up on me a long time ago. Thank the Lord that I am not God. Not even close. So as I have been driving out of control at 120mph, the Lord was faithful to finally wreck me this morning. Again He loved me enough to stop my deadly rampage. I was so convicted about running from Him that I came home from the lake and just met with Him in the porch swing on my back porch for a while. I cried. I was so ashamed that here I was again in this position. I mean come on Ally get your crap together right? He loved me through it. Here are the gifts I am most aware of as I type to you at 1:48AM: 1. The fact that God is still working on me. I am not by any means perfect or even close to perfect, and realizing it over and over again makes me just unbelievably thankful that a perfect God is still molding me, still cares enough about me to take me out of the drivers seat of my life knowing that its suicide. He knows how much it sucks to be me because He KNOWS me completely. We laugh together, cry together, and he metaphorically high fives me in the good times I think. Today though we cried together. I am so painfully aware of this awful, beautiful process of progressive sanctification as he is peeling flesh from my heart and continuing this work that he began in me. I rest in the fact that he will be faithful to finish it: "Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippeans 1:6 2. The gift of being free to come to Him in anything and every situation. Matt Chandler says that a true mark of Christianity is when things get rough we run TO God and not from Him. Although I started off following the demands of my flesh, God graced me with mercy by allowing me to do a 180 degree turn and return to my first love who never left me. *Side note, speaking of Matt Chandler, if you havent listened to his latest sermon: "Grace Driven Effort" you need to immediately. It was spot on. 3. The assurance that God is completely in control, sovereign, and LOVES me. He knew I would pull this little stunt. He knew I would run away from him. He knows me fully; wholly. And yet he loves me still which is in any other case a joke. He prolly wants to knock me upside the head more frequently than not but he loves me more than anyone else in the world. He loves me flawlessly. God, the perfect trinity by whom and for whom all things were created, loves me. David Crowder says he loves like a hurricane, and I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. He loves me regardless of every other reason besides that I am HIS. Oh I love being His. I love that he has ownership of me and WANTS me even in my sick broken state. 4. The fact that God cheers when we take steps and then fall. Like a toddler learning to walk, so we are with Christ. Wobbly and retarded, our Christian walk alot of the time is step, step, step, fall. I fell this week. My knees are all scraped up and I am frustrated with myself. But God is faithful to dust me off, wipe the tears from my eyes and encourage me to take a few more uncoordinated steps. He applauded my last pathetic attempt. He just requires that I keep walking, keep focused on my goal, keep my eyes on Him like the child who stumbles toward her dad who is prompting her, video camera in hand, excited about each attempt even the failed ones. My sad attempt at walking is mostly clumsy, awkward, and extremely ungraceful, yet all of Heaven celebrates over my wobbly steps. 5. The blessing of good friends in my life who will be faithful to call me out on my junk and then love me through it no matter what. Even when I avoid them as well as God. I cant even wait to see Becca Feagin this weekend and tell her all about how bad I messed up so she can punch me and then hug and cuddle me. I get giddy thinking about it. And also I'm thankful for friends who make me laugh, especially the high school crew that I have re-united with lately. Brent makes me laugh so hard that I have to concentrate on not peeing my pants. Cara cracks me up. Jake and Haley are hilarious. God knows that laughter is one of my favorite of His creations and has placed people in my life that are so very good at evoking it in me. Well its 2:15AM currently, and clearly past my bedtime. Time to get paddling again in my boat. My favorite analogy to use in my Christian walk is that I am in a boat. Sometimes I fall out of my boat. Sometimes I get pushed out. Sometimes I jump out like this past week. Then I have to swim and struggle and feel like I am drowning, but as of today I have climbed back into the boat, with Gods helping hand, out of breath and shivering cold. Tomorrow its time I start paddling again, on the never ending road to God's glory/my joy. If only I would trust Christ to carry me, we would sure get there a WHOLE heck of a lot faster.